My inner voice tells me I don't value him enough, I don't love him enough, don't miss him enough and everything I feel and do isn't enough

Thank you!! I feel a lot better, my head isn't as consumed by this, but it gets me sometimes and makes great moments feel a bit bitter..

I wish you everything best

@Daria Alexandrovna You too! It’s definitely rough & sometimes it’s so hard to be in the moment.

@Jewel yess especially when you are supposed to enjoy something but you start checking if you really enjoy it and it ruins it

@Daria Alexandrovna Yessssss absolutelyyyy! Then you start feeling guilty and then feeling a negative spiral coming in while with your partner and everything just crashes.

@Jewel yes also wish all the 'what ifs' would stop bothering me bc they make me afraid of enjoying my relationship bc what if the feelings go away suddenly and this all will end..

@Daria Alexandrovna 100000%. I’m not going to lie, I’m literally in a phase of questioning my feelings right now and it’s absolutely terrifying

@Jewel I've been there, gone through that phase. Now I know that I feel love but it's never enough for me. Your phase is temporary. Don't concentrate on what you feel because you're never going to feel what you expect to feel

@Daria Alexandrovna I guess it’s because I don’t know how to give or accept love because of my past, so it’s haunting me in my first and healthy relationship all of a sudden. But I feel like I’ve always had some high expectations and I have a perfectionist side, so it’s definitely the death of me right now

@Jewel Yes! Omg I feel you. I've been rejected before so I felt like I really do love and try to get it from a person. And this is also my first healthy relationship with a loving and caring person! I also have high expectations, I expect myself to love 24/7, think only about my S.O. (I've been through that in my past)

@Jewel And yes I also struggle with accepting love. I crave it when I don't get it, but when I do idk how I feel about it. I also don't know how to accept presents but love to give them

@Daria Alexandrovna Omg yes!! I have such a false reality of what love should look like and I feel like I see it in my friends’/relatives’ relationships as well where it seems they’re head over heels and just in a huge daze with their significant other every second of the day! And I’m here like... why isn’t that me? why am I not feeling that way? why am I not looking at my partner that way?

@Daria Alexandrovna I absolutely feel that way too! I love spoiling others, especially my partner & when he gives me gifts, I’m like... why??

@Jewel yes 100%%%%! But it's not what you think it is! Often it's not love but just 'being in love', pure hormones.. I feel like my love is more than that though sometimes I am confused bc if comparing

@Jewel Yesss for me it's great if he comes to see me but I don't feel a lot of joy from gifts

@Jewel I also find that I think of him/our relationship 27/4 bc I am scared that If I don't think then I'm not in love or I am going to fall out of love. But thinking all the time isn't 'feeling in love' all the time so I am triggered every time I check my thoughts and they aren't romantic

@Daria Alexandrovna Oof, my dumb hormones are definitely what got me here tbh lol! I guess I just don’t know the feeling between the emotional love and the psychological love? If there’s a difference or if that even makes sense? Like I know I care for my partner, love making him happy and enjoy my time I can spend with him, physically and virtually, and that is definitely an instinct of mine that I want to do that stuff for him... (even though it is rough with all of this going in my head and doubting myself if I’m even doing enough to get out of this mindset, as well as feeling emotionally detached in a way)

@Daria Alexandrovna (On the gifts) Right! Like the best gift is the presence for me rather than something materialistic. It’s just more heartfelt and so much more worth than a gift in my perspective

@Daria Alexandrovna (Refer to the relationship thinking) I definitely agree on that. I think I’m scared to not think about my feelings and like analyze everything because again, I’m a perfectionist and set myself up to high expectations, which in turn, can cause me to the same for others, which can be damaging because no one is perfect and relationships aren’t perfect. But I think it just ties back into that uncertainty of my own feelings. And I get scared that if I don’t think of it and let things flow, I’d see him more as a friend than a lover and forget to love him as a partner.

@Jewel Omg. I feel you so much. I def feel like my love is psychological. Sometimes I wouldn't even want to call it love, sometimes I feel like a deep connection between us and it's so intimate and beautiful

@Jewel Yes yes yes! I'm afraid that feelings will go away and what am I going to do then. Also, in my past I've never been responsible for other's feelings. I chose people who didn't love me, so that's easier. And now I am really loved and it's so new and I think this is first love (true love) of my life. And it's nothing like that hormonal love

@Jewel I also want every feelings to be constant, my love to be perfect, like this even obsession... bc I feel like that what he deserves. Want to miss him every second and go crazy from kisses. It's like 100% love, everything perfect. Self sacrifice

@Jewel sounds crazy lol but I think that's what my mind wants and that's why I feel so strange and scared

@Daria Alexandrovna Aw that’s so great! I really strive for that, but I know my mind and my heart are not all in because I don’t know how to accept the love. And I think I’ve trained my brain so well throughout the years that my bestfriend can’t be my boyfriend. And I feel like that all ties in back to being so comfortable and then having these expectations of what love “should” look like, that when I’m comfortable, I’m like... where are the butterflies? why am I not falling in love when I look at him? why does it seem wrong to feel so comfortable and not lovey dovey? .. But honestly, I’m not sure if this is my first love bc my mind definitely starts to hesitate nowadays since it feels like everything is a new danger and such. He actually cares for me, thinks about me, makes sure I’m okay, supports me through all my endeavors, etc. Also — how would you define hormonal love? Just curious!

@Daria Alexandrovna Honestly, that is 100000% my brain mixed w my perfectionism! I want to miss him when we’re not with each other. I want to hug him and kiss him & just exist with him there! I want to be able to compliment him without thinking he’s the wrong person right after or whether he deserves it. When I feel comfortable and don’t think about all of this, I worry that my feelings aren’t there anymore. And honestly, that’s been happening lately - where I’m so comfortable and my brain starts questioning like is this what you want?

@Jewel Well, hormonal love for me is when even the personality of someone who is with you isn't that important. His touch, his look on you, meeting him matters the most, you feel heavenly and don't think at all. This hits especially hard when you are rejected by this person and you strive for love, and don't receive it back. Then, this love is so awaited from you, that it feels like a forbidden fruit - so good. But it's not about the person itself, so usually people date like that, then the hormones don't do their job like before and you see who are you dating, so you are often disappointed.

@Daria Alexandrovna I’m honestly scared to be falling out of the honeymoon phase too soon, or that once I find my treatment and get sufficient treatment, it’d be too late to rekindle a honeymoon phase? Idk that’s my feeling for sure lol

@Jewel Idk, I also feel more comfortable than those butterflies, but I wouldn't that that isn't love. It's just more about stability. Sometimes I feel more emotional and 'in love', sometimes it's just comfort and I don't think it's supposed to be like this 24/7 omgggg I'm in lovvvve

@Jewel Well you see, do you feel anxiety? If you do, and it's getting in the way, then that's probably just ocd thoughts, intrusive. If not, if you can calmly discuss it, then maybe it is more like a friendship to you?

@Jewel Well me and my bf have fallen out of this phase very early because we didn't have an opportunity to text or see each other very often. Also my ROCD hit really hard so I was all unsure like you are now. I have had a major exposure when we had a little fight and I could finally without a fear think - do I want this? and I decided I do. Then it became better. I felt 'in love' emotions are brighter when you don't think about what do you feel

@Daria Alexandrovna Yea! I feel like I’m constantly and even compulsively checking my feelings for sure to make sure I am “in loooove” or like at least attracted to my partner. I do feel anxiety when I think about these things, but a part of me has been so worked up about this for so long that it sees me thinking of “breaking up with him” and like questioning my feelings as something normal, yet also dangerous. I feel constant waves of anxiety and compulsive reactions here & there. And thinking that I don’t have feelings for him always makes me feel anxious bc I sure do lol

@Daria Alexandrovna Yea! Because I’m willing to fight for this relationship. Not just for him, but also to strengthen our relationship and prove this ROCD wrong. Also, if I don’t learn from this and (God forbid) him & I don’t work out in the future, then at least I won’t be affecting the next person coming into my life.

@Jewel I think you are totally fine and your situation seems like mine! I feel more certain now than before thought it's still unusual but I think we need to trust ourselves and let it flow because we cannot magically lose feelings if we stop checking

@Jewel Yes you are right. I fought for this relationship so hard. And I am a lot better now!

@Jewel Constant checking really prevents us from feeling everything as clear as we would normally. I know this. Also, think about someone in your past life. Imagine if you thought about every your feeling with other people. Would you feel the way you felt? Also, I like to give this example: So, imagine you heard a funny joke. But you are anxious about jokes, so just before laughing you are like 'Is this joke even funny?' You won't laugh anymore even if it is. Bc you think too seriously about a stupid guestion! In reality, if the joke isn't funny - you just don't laugh and don't worry about it. If it's funny - you laugh. If you are anxious - you ruin the joke and the fun from it. It's a metaphor

@Daria Alexandrovna I feel like it’s been hard because I’ve been having that part of ROCD where it’s like I nitpick at everything my partner says or does. And then that just becomes a huge circle of “oh he did this and that triggered me, so now I can’t do this...” type of thought. Because I legit have been feeling so emotionally detached and my mind has led me to this point of where I’m like nitpicking at his personality and such.

@Daria Alexandrovna But I also have to expect that no one is perfect in a relationship. I guess that’s the hard part for me and my perfectionism too.

@Jewel Yes.. and I hate how I would break up feeling good but then think 'what do I will toward him rn? Why no' love' feelings? ' And I feel anxious