PLEASE HELP OR TELL ME IF THIS IS AN EXPERIENCE YOU’VE HAD! essentially, my OCD has been worsening and I’m starting to go crazy. I am developing intrusive thoughts about saying curse words in public (any curse word—you name it, horrible words I normally wouldn’t use or slurs just words that are atrocious) Anyway, to try to prove to myself I didn’t say those words (depending on what the word is) I will start making sounds usually similar sounds over and over and under my breath or clicking my tongue or clearing my throat and sometimes it feels like I’m not even in control of my mouth. But it’s like a compulsion. Or I keep doing it trying to make myself feel better or prove I didn’t say it, or even “keep myself from saying it” (as my OCD brain tells me) by making noises, and like feel like I AM saying it in the process. The issue is—sometimes i’m making these in public and I’ll think I DID say the slur/curse word or I potentially did make two sounds when checking or having this compulsion that sound exactly like it. But to me—THATS basically the same as saying it and I COMPLETELY panic. Especially when other people are around who, depending on what the word is I’m randomly focusing on, could be highly offended. Although considering it’s like every curse word mostly anyone would be offended. I was just wondering if this was something other people experienced or if I am just like some shit person who should accept that I was saying curses or slurs under my breath even if it was unintentional and just random sounds or noises that sounded like it. And I am NOT a homophobic, racist, or misogynistic person. I know this about myself. These words are not in my vocabulary that I would ACTUALLY use. That’s why I’m so frightened.

Thank you! Cause I always tell myself “thoughts don’t matter, only actions do.” But when my compulsive syllable or sound making does form the likeness of whatever bad word I’m trying to get out of my head, it feels like an action—which is why I can’t ignore it

I do this too. I screenshot practically everything I comment on social media to make sure I don’t convince myself it was something else. I just get nervous because I’m able to tell myself thoughts are just thoughts, but making those similar noises nervously, especially when they accidentally do form the likeness of a bad word or come together as two syllables and sound like one, feels like an action to me even if it’s just a compulsion in response to thoughts

@uhohuhoh Yeah. I wouldn’t think that making the noise to convince yourself you didn’t say the word would help because then you’ll keep needing to do that. What happens if you try to not do the compulsion

@Delta It almost feels uncontrollable, and then every time I make the noise or noises I’m like “omg I just said it I totally just said it let me imitate the noises again just to make sure or to show myself I didn’t” and then sometimes it truly does sound like the word. It’s become a compulsion almost like counting that I do subconsciously now when I’m in public or even alone. Sometimes I’m able to distract my mind for long enough that it stops, but the more I don’t do it the more i convince myself I’m not making those sounds because I know I did say the word and I’m experiencing guilt. So then I make the sounds again and the cycle repeats. It’s just horrible

@uhohuhoh Ah that is super rough! I think it’s a good first step that you recognize it’s become a compulsion and want to work on it though.

@Delta I suppose I’m just trying to forgive myself for what my ocd is telling me is “saying” a bad or harmful word even if it was me just saying something accidentally similar or potentially not even at all and I was literally just making compulsive noises in an effort to do the exact opposite. IT SOUNDS COMPLICATED, but my brain is just sorta like that these days. My OCD just keeps bullying me, telling me I said it around people or “towards” people in public even though I would NEVER actually do that. I wouldn’t ever use hateful curse words towards someone, I don’t have hate in my heart.