I'm convinced that I'm just a late bloomer and that I'm really changing...

may i ask how old are you? I'm 18 and a little bit old for the usual time people would realize their sexuality, but I'm still scared because I had this problem before where i can't tell if i have a crush on someone or not. Like i've always been attracted to males and have that "giddiness" to males, but i just have trouble knowing if i have a crush on someone during my elementary days. That changed when I went through high school because i had a lot of crushes on boys. I keep wondering if I'm just repressing myself, idk. Also, some of my friends were bi curious before and i actually went with them on their quests 😂. If i really was bi/lesbian, shouldn't i have accepted that sooner? Like idk, they would ship me to this girl and i would always be repulsed by it. It makes me think that i just had an epiphany now.

@♧ I don't feel any anxiety anymore, maybe i should do a though ERP so i can feel anxious. It's like i hate the anxiety but if isn't there, i would look for it. wtf is wrong with my brain.

@♧ I totally feel you! I'm 19 and I go through the same things. I had always had crushes on boys and liked boys, but I had never been in a real relationship or hooked up with a lot of guys in high school. My senior year is when I started becoming more sexually active and I'm now a sophomore in college and I have an amazing boyfriend. The reason I mention that is because my ocd like to latch itself onto the fact that I was a late bloomer sexually and tells me "youre just now realizing your sexuality because you just did things later than others" even though I know deep down that everyone does thing as different paces and it doesn't matter if you lost your virginity at 13 or 26 ya know?? I struggle with hocd and rocd which makes me doubt my amazing relationship and then in turn makes me think..oh I'm having these doubts because I'm not even attracted to guys I'm just surprising that I'm bi/lesbian. I totally understand where you're coming from though. Hocd makes me rethink my entire childhood and tells me that I wasn't even attracted to my previous crushes..etc. you're totally not alone I'm in the same boat

@California2325 **supressing not surprising oops!

@California2325 Yeah! I was rethinking if i had crushes on my girl friends, even though the thought never came up to me before. And that I only had crushes on boys because i was pressured by my friends, like wtf.. Also, I have never been in a relationship before even if I'm now 18 so it feels very real.

@♧ Ugh I totally understand it's the actual worst it's mental HELL. I think to myself "society told me I was straight" etc. the reality is that we have to accept the uncertainty of not knowing these things about ourselves as scary as that sounds which I do NOT want to do because I like having control, but people say it's the best way to get rid of the anxiety. As for the relationship thing -- don't stress, there's no set standard for the age or anything like that, it's when you feel comfortable and like someone enough to get into a relationship and says nothing about your sexuality

@California2325 yeah, thank you. i'm glad im not alone. sending virtual hugs ♡

@♧ You too! And if you ever wanna talk or rant I'm here because literally the same things run through my mind but I have so much hope ! <33

Thanks so much! When you say uncertainty is the cause and way out, what do you mean by that?

@California2325 I mean that OCD is the doubting disorder. We seek reassurance and rumination because we need to see things as 100% black or white, when in reality, the truth isn't always so strict. Uncertainty is the reason we have this issue. But it is also our ticket out of the hellish mindset that OCD gives us. It is a way for us to step back and say, "some of this may or may not be true, and I'm going to liberate myself from these chains and make uncertainty a close friend of mine." And when you befriend the uncertainty, it gives you freedom and compassion to move forward with your lives and continue to have healthy, happy relationships and goals. I hope that explains it better for you :)

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. Thanks so much, that's a great way to put it! Do you do this every time you start ruminating or would you expose yourself to the trigger by saying "this is true" or a little bit of both?

@California2325 Yes! Recognizing that uncertainty is your friend is a great reminder whenever you are exposed or ruminating. Rumination is a behavior, therefore, it is a slightly different feeling from compulsions in that many of us don't even realize we are partaking in it. It can happen so easily, especially with SOOCD. Ever scroll through social media and stare at someone's body for an obscene amount of time to check or create a scenario? Rumination. Ever fantasize about your fear to see if you'd enjoy it? Rumination. We often preach exposure, exposure, exposure! But we miss out on one of the biggest aspects of ERP: Response and prevention!!! I'd say rumination is very different from an exposure. Ruminating is when YOU are purposely thinking of your fear and the images/sensations/urges, and checking/testing/analyzing/creating scenarios to it. You can stop that behavior and you will be much better off without it in your life :). A lot of people ask me how to stop ruminating, and my solution is this: 1. Your only goal is to not find an answer. If you find yourself fixated on a certain scenario in your head, or an image you see, that is good! It means you're becoming more aware of the ruminating process. Although all you want to do is to keep staring or creating scenarios or checking, you must stop. Your only goal is to not find an answer. You will feel VERY strange at first whenever you let go of the rumination process. It will feel like you're okay with the thoughts, or that you're somehow not finding the solution. It will feel like you're missing a "clue" or proof of something if you stop. And that's the key! Which brings me to the next point: 2. Expect your OCD to fight back. It will come up with even more creative ways to attack your mindset. You must stay vigilant in maintaining your exposures and responses to the stimuli that it brings. I know that's a lot of information and I apologize if I've given unsolicited advice, but I'm just passing on the things that have helped me heal :) I wish you lots of love and peace!!!

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. Wow, thank you so much! I really appreciate it <33 I've beat OCD before and know I can do it again, but a lot easier said that done. Wish u the best!!

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. I highly agree to what you've said, just got back from ruminating about what i saw on social media. I was imagining myself in the position of the man and also in a position of a woman. It's really weird but the thing is, I don't have much anxiety anymore and it feels as if my thoughts feel so real even if I don't think I'm a lesbian/bisexual. Like because I don't have anxiety anymore, it feels as if I just have this urge to find out and be certain about everything. Should I just deal with the uncertainty?