I can’t sleep, my POCD is convincing me I don’t deserve to live but I know I don’t want to hurt myself. I’ve fought this spike for over a week now (I’ve suffered with POCD for years since I began working with children but new memories/obsessions pop up.) I’m tired and I can’t even practice the “maybe, maybe not” exercise because now I’m like “Is it the OCD? Or are you just guilty and you’re looking for excuses?” I know in my heart I would never hurt a child and that I hate the thought of children being groomed or preyed on but that doesn’t convince me that I’m not a horrible monster and dangerous. I have barely slept worrying over a memory of feeling arousal watching something and didn’t think anything of it and moved on but now I’m like “Was that actually a teenager or something and you didn’t know? Did you WANT that? Did you accidentally feel this arousal looking at a minor without knowing?” Or “Was your friend lying about their age when you talked about suggestive/18+ content?” Which makes tons of new intrusive thoughts enter my brain and scare me worse. I’ll listen to youtube videos validating that people also suffer with this and that POCD is real but I feel like the exception. I know I don’t want to give up to my intrusive suicidal thoughts but these thoughts don’t leave my head and feel so real. A week ago I would have practiced mindful thinking and train my brain to let it go but now I’m so lost I feel like thats “escaping my guilt” or something. I shared this with my therapist and knew she couldn’t give me reassurance but I thought I would feel a weight lifted but it’s still very much here. I just want to feel normal again but then I feel I don’t deserve it. I wish I could sleep. I’m just crying and having panic attacks every night. I care about children’s safety so much why why why why does it feel like this?? I’m starting ERP soon and I’m so scared..