Sometimes I would want to give up and say that "Yeah I'm bi", but the thing is I don't even know if I'm genuinely attracted to girls. Beyond the physical level (like appearance and such), I find it weird if I do engage with them in a romantic or sexual way.. but even if I do say that I'm not interested in them in that kind of way, it feels like I'm just lying to myself 😣

I can agree with the part that women are sexualized. Sometimes I look back when i used to share posts such as "women are better than men" without it EVER bothering my sexuality. Now, I see men over sexualizing women that i would like to give a negative comment about, but I can't because that might prove the point that I'm bi or a lesbian. At this point I just don't know who I am and it freaking sucks. If only I stopped myself from spiriling out of control a month ago, or if only i avoided watching a lesbian movie 5 months ago, i wouldn't be in this place... i have so many regrets. I don't know what to do anymore. I just feel empty...

@♧ Yup and I even feel like when I’m trying to vent about it that I’m lying to myself and there’s so much I question but ultimately I can’t keep searching my past for “clues”. Only move forward 😖

I also had admirations for like female celebrities and a couple women growing up! Can you possible tell me what it was like for you? I am freaking out that they were actual sexual/romantic even though I never thought about them like that

@Anonymous me too! specially that im very insecure. i thought for sure that my insecurities were a cover up for the fact that im bisexual/lesbian

@♧ Literally same. I have always been really insecure and like there have been women that I really looked up to and I really wanted their approval, but now I am panicking that I was just covering up my feelings for them by saying I just wanted to be them/be friends with them

@Anonymous It was an admiration of their beauty and talents I guess. I read books about actresses I admired and also would have a lot of pictures of them on my walls. I also tried to imitate them or talk and act like them. But I also kind of daydreamed about being close to them. Never in a romantic or sexual way, more like what it would be like if they were my mother or sister or any kind of relation. I also wrote in my diary how great and pretty they are which is hard for me to read me as it feels like literal proof. With "real" girls it was an admiration for older or cooler girls. I often seeked out older friends to feel more mature and cool 🤷‍♀️😅 it stays ambiguous and scary. Lesbians/bisexuals talk about similar admirations when they were young and label them as a sign of their romantic attraction to women. Then on the other hand there are plenty of positions saying it is common for straight girls to have these kind of identity crushes that can feel similar to romantic crushes (because of projection and idealiszation of the person). But no one can say for sure and you can Google to the end of the earth and still don't have a safe or universal answer, in the end these are all different and subjective interpretations of experiences. In the end only we can answer these questions for ourselves, that is why it is such an excellent theme for OCD, as we dont trust our own feelings anymore. I've accepted that I might never figure this out completely. While I think that I am not really interested in women sexually I can not predict the future.. this is not always easy for me to bear, there are days when I suddenly start to worry about this again. But I think it is the only way to get better - stop trying to figure it out. You don't have to know for sure even if OCD tries to tell you otherwise.

@Shoeshifter That’s so crazy I literally feel the same way. I also went into the google spiral and basically found the same information that you did. Like I would find a few stories of straight women who had similar stories but then there would be one who said she realized that she was actually attracted to the women she admired and then I would just spiral. It’s nice to feel not so alone!

@Anonymous Definately not alone! I remember that I felt so relieved the first time I read about these non romantic crushes. But after a while this reassurance didn't work anymore. I think labelling myself as bisexual was also a compulsion/ reassurance seeking because the core fear always went around having to break up with my boyfriend or that our love was a lie. Reading about bisexual women in straight relationships made me feel safe again for a while. But also that feeling of relief didn't stay long. The only way out is to stop chasing the feeling of relief 🤷‍♀️ I still tend to admire or relate to women more than men and in every phase of my life I had female mentors or role models to look up to it seek advice from. Actually this is a great and empowering thing - women supporting women - but ocd made me feel so bad and ashamed about that. And further I felt ashamed of feeling ashamed of the possibility of being gay as it made me feel homophobic and close minded. It can become a never ending spiral of self hatred if we don't stop engaging with it.

@Shoeshifter Wow I literally feel the same it’s so scary like it’s just so hard though I am terrified that I will never feel a true connection with a man and just end up living a lie. I don’t understand why this has to be so hard

@Anonymous It's so interesting how similar we all are with our messed up brains 😅 I am sure we And a lot of fellow SO-OCD sufferers read the same articles over and over again... And how easily we get scared by external influences when, in fact, only we can know what is true for us. But the problem is that we don't trust ourselves ... so we try to get a kind of certitude from the outside that doesn't exist and that's were OCD sets the trap..

@Shoeshifter I know exactly what you mean!

@Shoeshifter THISS!! I kept thinking if I was so homophobic to the point that I would repress myself throughout my life. I also fear that I may never be really attracted to a man in the future, or that if I have trouble with a man then I would blame it on my sexuality.

@♧ I feel that. It managed to turn every aspect of my being against me and into proof that I was closeted and that the fact that I had no sexual desire for women only meant because it was "hidden" in my repressed subconscious 🙈 in the end happiness and confidence can only come back if you manage to step out of this obsessive cycle and stop to try to find a satisfying ,universal answer to all these ocd questions. There is none. I think for us it is best to refrain from labels when it comes to sexual orientation even if that makes us feel uneasy. But the uneasiness will pass if we stop to force it away by searching for an answer. It will become less and less important.