goes I’m going to be brief and very detailed as possible ,I’m 26 female and I don’t know if it’s pocd or the real thing .okay so for starters I do suffer from anxiety and sometimes depression from as far as I can remember,I’ve dealt with bizarre thoughts in the past ,such as intrusive thoughts.I remember reading something about an high profile person getting caught up in cp and that made me start thinking about should I watch cp?.what is cp?.but I quickly realized that is something I didn’t want. To do and it was wrong .I’ve been watching porn since I was 11.it was normal porn but over the years I started watching different types But I have never watched CP.and don’t want to.i have never looked or touched an child sexually or thought about them in that way.I love kids I’ve always dreamed of being a mother,but sometimes I used to be nervous of the future like would I be a great mom or what if I abuse my child ?.different things .but fast forward when I used to masturbate I always think of celebrities who are 17,18 who are attractive but I never thought it was an problem because I would think it would be fantasy and that I wouldn’t actually do it in real life .and I have been doing this for 2 years now .but I noticed that when I’m near my god kids I start having thoughts like what if I touch him ? Or should I touch him but I always dismiss it and move on and feel bad afterwards because I have never thought about any kids that way.so fast forward a month after I masterbated .I was watching a documentary or something and it triggered me thinking I was an p and I start feeling guilty of all the things I’ve masterbated too and I have thought some stuff I’m not proud of .but it was like it was sudden and I couldn’t sleep And it was like it just kept replaying in my head to the point I started crying and overtime it subsided but I keep having these thoughts convincing myself I’m a p and yesterday I was near my godson and a thought popped in my head saying touch him touch him it was like an urge.but I resisted and I feel so bad because i love kids and now I don’t want to have any and I feel like killing myself I don’t know where these thoughts came from all of a sudden and why I couldn’t fight them off .I came across a photo of a preteen girl and while I was looking at the photo a thought popped in saying picture her in a bra and I immediately got disgusted and scared.I’m just on autopilot I’ve been googling and googling and just don’t know what to think .I’m just tired I’m just on the brink of tears and killing my self because I can’t accept that I’m this way .I’m so scared I don’t even want to leave the house or anything I was fine couple weeks ago now i don’t know who or what I’m doing I don’t have anyone to talk to I’m scared .it seems to be not as intense as it first was a Month ,but it still stays in the back of my mind ,I get urges seems real and want Me to do things I’m fighting,and it seems like my attraction to normal ppl have faded I’m having dreams about this situation,it seems I have arousal and when I have these thoughts I just want to cry because I don’t know how I got to this point.every time I see an photo of a kid I get an feeling in my stomach and I kinda get sick and my heart starts to race ,I keep googling signs of a p and now it seems I have moved on too teens I’m just to The point where I want to kill Myself,I don’t know what to do any more,I love children I’ve always wanted an family of my own but now not anymore.I’m stressed out and it seems to be all I think about is that I’m a p ,I can’t wake up Without worrying about ,it’s from The time I go to sleep to The time I wake up,I don’t know

POCD

lucy.wilefirr

Date posted: 4y

Classic POCD . It’s just another obsession so sit with the uncertainty since certainty is a feeling not a fact . You’ll never know for sure . I have this theme too you’re not alone in that . POCD seems like a common subtype . Iocdf has a good article on POCD

Karkaree

Date posted: 4y

Thank you !

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

I am honestly so relieved seeing how many pocd posts there are I suffer from this too and its soooo scary and debilitating. I’ve already commented this elsewhere but a wonderful place to start is this book - ‘overcoming unwanted intrusive thoughts’ by sally winston and Martin n seif. As soon as I started reading I cried for 3 days. It explains everything about what intrusive thoughts are where they come from and why it bothers you so much. Essentially, the reason the thought sticks and shocks you is because it is the opposite of who you are, that’s why it’s so shocking and painful. Please understand you will get through this I felt so lost too and wanted to end things and this book is really helping. It emphasises a lot that there is nothing wrong with you, just with how you are dealing with your thoughts I really hope it helps.

Karkaree

Date posted: 4y

Thank you ,so much for that

Karkaree

Date posted: 4y

And too add that I’m now afraid to Leave my House sometimes ,but I still Force myself to leave put when im out in public I’m terrified

BigGyro09

Date posted: 4y

OCD likes to make me feel guilty for all the adult content I watched and masturbated too myself. It's annoying, but I feel like we've all been there or at least watched a lot of bizzare things on those sites. I think it's common at this point. I also think POCD is one of the more common themes and my OCD loves to latch onto anything sexual and twist it. It actually begins to twist memories of my sexual experimenting when I was much younger and pin it towards something else. The urges and rumination and distortions are all there for me too and it's honestly all bullshit. I don't know what to believe most of the time and I try not to dwell on anything. But know that you aren't alone. That's the last thing you'll want to believe. Don't take your life away. You're worth it.

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond