I always thought people had this advantage that I didn’t have. Thinking people had it all figured out, I’ve always felt left out as if though these individuals were hiding their secrets of a happy life from me. When I look at the past, I get angry. I let too much slide and in viewing others through my lens I realized how content and ready to live they were. When I meet my boyfriend I realized how much I cling on to information to save me. I’ve always felt like if I knew everything about his past, about his ex, and about him and what he was doing I could somehow have that power over the situation, over this relationship. So I consumed as much as their media I could find, even though it was triggering to see their relationship unfold throughout the years, I convinced myself that it was absolutely critical. Spending hours scrolling and any time I had looking at their accounts but it dawned on me today something I never considered: We all don’t know what going to happen. Right now I keep looking around at my coworkers thinking to myself, they all probably feel the same way I do. Lost, confused, and maybe even a little anxious about the future. Truth is, by knowing everything in the past, I won’t ever know what this world holds for me. I just can’t and no one else can either. It wouldn’t matter if I thought it would have somehow prevented her from coming back into his life, stalking her social media and anxiously wondering what’s she’s planning is just something up in the air as much as any other possibility. A possibility I can’t predict. A possibility I won’t be able to somehow prevent. And I think that’s my source of my OCD. Obsessively wanting to know all the details about something/someone, doing my research, and hoping that I can somehow escape all the bad that WILL happen. But like you, I don’t know what WILL happen. It made so much sense in my head though, it even sounded simple: Dedicate your LIFE to preventing the (bad) future. And it always has to be bad because of course it does. I can’t, I will not hold onto that idea anymore. It’s causing me my life and my time and my happiness. The happiness I can have now. Even if I could prevent something I’d only be more afraid and want to do it again thus creating this cycle of fear. I need to start practicing not knowing and being okay with that. I’m not missing anything. I don’t need what I tell myself I need. I’m certainly not the revenge plot in someone’s timeline nor am I being left out like I’ve always felt like I was. I simply don’t know, just like everyone else and I feel like everyone else, and I have needs like everyone else. My life is much more than where this relationship will take us. Of course I love him and no one ever wants to loose our loves but I can no longer devote my life to trying to prevent something. That my form of self sabotage. What’s happening now is important and I can’t think that’s she’s pulling some strings behind the scenes and live in the fear that they both plan to break my heart. I’m gonna take the first step and take a chance and continue to be happy in my relationship, going against the fear that I should always keep an eye out.