I’m not sure anymore.it’s feels too real ,I think this has progressed into the real deal after obsessively thinking about being a p.from the time I wake up till the time I go to bed.prior to a month ago I was fine ,I didn’t think these thoughts up until I watched an documentary and from then on I was in this spiral now I can’t seem to shake this Theme and I’m having dreams,every time I have an thought I fight it and start to tear up because i do not want to be that person , but what if I am .the urges and the attractions and feelings are feeling real .I’m in tears as i am writing this ,I love kids I’ve always wanted to be an mother now I don’t want to .if I am a pedo deep down then I do not want to live or continue with life anymore .the anxiety isn’t there like it was a month ago but it’s still something I think about everyday.I could try to Take my mind off it but a thought pops of a kid .I get nervous then slightly Aroused then I’m sad.I cannot reach out to my mom because she is super religious and I’m scared of seeking professional help .I could be scrolling on social media and image of young girl and my heart starts to race and i feel anxiety mixed with arousal and I go back to see if I’m Aroused and I’m I attracted by the picture .plus I feel my normal attraction dwindling.I’ve gotten so depressed,I don’t want to leave my house sometimes and I’m Just don’t know .I have never had an problem with kids now it’s like I can’t look at them anymore .in the past I may have masturbated to the thought of taboo things and I have masturbated to different things and im starting to feel guilty but I HAVE NEVER DID IT CP.I do not want to watch cp and don’t want to.I’m just all out of options I feel I wouldn’t be able to live with my self so I feel offing myself would be the best .I can’t talk to my family or seek help because I’m afraid of the shame and guilt.I just looked at the picture of the preteen again on social media and I felt my heart race and and all these thoughts and feelings mixed with arousal and and attraction before I have never thought of this girl before or even gave it a second Thought prior to this.every time I’ve seen her picture I keep Scrolling I think it’s time For me to maybe accept That I am ,I don’t want To live anymore I don’t know how I got here.I’m tired of crying and thinking about this I just going to give up people saying it’s pocd or ocd but I don’t believe it i feels real .I was around my godson not Too long ago and I felt an strong Urge and thought saying Touch him but I fought it off and it caused me so much anxiety and fear .I don’t even want to be around kids anymore,it’s like the thoughts come and go then it comes back and I feel hopeless .it feels like I want to act on my urges and I don’t I’m just not doing well at all .I’ve thought these types before in the past but was able to shake them off now I feel it’s deep down now it feels like I’m attracted to teenagers I’m just all Over the place

POCD

Nuwerus2

Date posted: 4y

I think the fact that one has anxiety about it means you don't want it and thats not who you are

Jojo

Date posted: 4y

Im so sorry you are going through this. I can’t be of much help other than to say , you are not alone. I know it doesn’t feel like it because you feel alienated. I am in my 30s and going through this. I wanted kids at one point, I’ve gone back into my past and relooked at everything over and over and at times convince myself I am but feel like I fight it so hard and am in such denial that I won’t allow myself to be one. Idk if that makes sense. ATM I am not panicking about my thoughts. All we can do or all I can say is take it a day at a time, work in yourself today not tomorrow because it can be overwhelming when you think about living life and living “this way” or with the thoughts. Get help when you can. I’m going to try to get back into counseling with erp. I’m scared that erp won’t work because I’m not anxious or distressed by my thoughts and to be quite honest I don’t even feel disturbed my my thoughts. I just don’t want them in my head and everyday feels like dread when I wake up , they’re always there. I’m so sorry you’re suffering. Hugs.

Karkaree

Date posted: 4y

Thank you I’m just tired of this

Nuwerus2

Date posted: 4y

I used to be symptom free, like a normal person and when it came back it came back hard. I suppose that's the nature of it. Nothing works as well as therapy. Just go back to a therapist you won't regret it

Nuwerus2

Date posted: 4y

Hey Jojo trying to get rid of those thoughts would just reinforce their occurrence rarher try and be comfortable with it

Jojo

Date posted: 4y

I know. It’s just so hard to feel like your inner self is telling you that you are but then your brain is like “ no , I can’t live that way or with these thoughts every day if my life” there are times were I truly in my heart feel like I am and Then I look at my past and actions and say “ I’m not” I go back to experiences or situations where I might have gotten an attraction or impulse or urge and say “ well what does that mean , see you are one” at the time when those impulses came up , I was uncomfortable and questioned them but moved on right away. Then I got pregnant in October and had a singular thought and it’s been downhill since then. That’s when this subtype really got a hold of me.

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