March 22, 2021 My boyfriend broke down on me yesterday. He cried in front of the for the first time and I wish it could have woken something in me but it didn’t. All I did was comfort him and then feel like a horrible person. All he’s wanted was my intimacy. All he’s yearned for is my attention and I feel terrible for pushing him away to the point where he just doesn’t feel like he knows what to do anymore. I feel for him I really do but I don’t expect my OCD to just magically disappear on me. The irony is that I thought that if he did something along those lines, I’d instantly change. I’d be drawn back to my reality and magically all my thoughts would vanish into thin air. Yet, I still don’t know if he’s cheating on me the way my OCD says. I still don’t know if he’s talking to his ex, I still don’t know if there will be a forever like we tell ourselves we did. What I do know is that I asked he didn’t reassure me, I told him that I wanted to prove to one another that we love each other by doing just that: love. I told him how the past year I loved him out of fear and that every time he thinks there’s something wrong with me, I feel like he’s knocking on my former selfs door. It sucks but I realized through feeling like the worst person in the world that feeling sorry for myself isn’t going to change me. This love would never change me. Getting ready for the “pain” I believed I was going to get through his cheating and then looking at his exes social media so “lessen” the pain isn’t going to stop it from hurting. By having things the way I always envisioned wasn’t going t stop me from looking into to reasons as to why I don’t deserve these things. I understand he needed to do some healing from things on his end but I need to pull my own weight. I don’t want to see him that frustrated, I don’t want to see him cry but I also can’t carry that on my shoulders as proof that I should change. I love him and want the best for him but change doesn’t come from feeling guilty. I’ve neglected him and have been so back and forth with my feelings; I’ve been just as unfair to him as I’ve been to myself. I draw the line here and I’m making my choice now: I love him and I’ll stay with him. I’m not going to expect this relationship to change me but I want change for myself so today I quit old habits. I ask that whatever I think I need I let go because what I have, who I have in front of me is enough. I’m comfortable not knowing what may or may not happen, I’m okay and know that I’ll heal from whatever I need to but I can’t force someone to grow with me. I’ll make those hard decisions when I need to and not kill myself by thinking I need to do everything now. I’m sorry beloved for holding you hostage to my black and white thinking that way and I’m sorry I let your past ruin some great moments. I don’t want to be your ex, I want to be me with you and although I don’t know what will happen (and I’m okay with that) in our future, I know now that I’ve let it ruin me too long. I understand it must be hard but change isn’t easy. Letting go isn’t easy but I don’t expect myself to forget and that’s okay. I look back with patients and love. The way I looked at you yesterday. The way I will always try to look at myself with. Life is chaotic and I really don’t like confrontations like these but this is all a part of growth. I’m glad I got this uncomfortable and fearful, it helps me realize that I can still do my best with these feelings hanging over my head. But I still choose to look up regardless of the weather.