Yesterday for erp I tried watching lesbian tiktoks and now I had the thought that maybe I actually liked the videos and honestly I just feel like crying I don’t know how to keep fighting this anymore. I think girls are often more attractive than guys, and I thought it was because girls do their makeup and their hair and get dressed while guys don’t really groom and now my brain is trying to tell me it’s because I actually do like girls. I hate the idea of being with a girl, hate the idea of making out with one and being with one for the rest of my life feels like a prison sentence that I’m just going to have to face. Why does this have to be so difficult? I wish I could let it go and just say “Who cares if I do?” but I care so much because I just don’t want that for me. I don’t want to come home to a woman. I gave into a compulsion and I looked up “ How do I know if I’m attracted to girls?” And one of the signs was that you’re touchy feely with girls and now my mind is trying to convince me I was too touchy feely with an old best friend but I was just comfortable around her. I hate the idea of kissing her or being intimate with her and I have no desire to get to know her romantically. The attraction to girls feels real now and I hate it I do, there’s no excitement just so much anxiety and hurt and I feel like crying. Girls are like fairies, but I still don’t want it for myself but that feels like a lie and it feels like I don’t want to be with a guy when I do. I love my boyfriend with everything I have, I just want to be with him and love him and enjoy intimacy with him but now I have to question if that’s real or just a cover for my lesbianism. I miss when I could say “She’s pretty” about girls at school or “Wow she’s hot” for celebrity females without wondering if it means I’m secretly in denial. I wish I could learn to accept it if I am bi or lesbian but it’s so hard because I just don’t want it for myself. I want to come home to my partners broad chest and warm arms, not a female who smells too sweet with a body too much like mine. I don’t want to wake up every day and see a girl next to me and I don’t want to be anywhere near a naked female body. I just feel like I’ve gone backwards in progress or like maybe I really am in denial and maybe my attraction is real. I used to admire girls and wanted to be like them , now it feels like that was all attraction. I’m sorry for this rant, I’ve been struggling so much and it feels like I’m going to lose everything I wanted.