tw inc*st ocd, compulsions, mention of s*ic*de okay ive had enough this is too overwhelming. you can punch me kick me in the face kill me spit on me my brain is so sure that i am my thoughts right now. i think im becoming delusional. i know the basis of the thought is NOT factual but that's it my brain has come up with so many weird alternatives that could all be possible given that EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE. i know for a fact that im not crushing on that family member but my brain is convinced i have some hidden suppressed sexual desire that just doesn't take the form of a regular crush due to the fact that it's abnormal and unconventional. groinals and false feelings of attraction just reinforce this confusion. i opened an incognito tab, took 3 different paraphilia tests which all told me im not paraphilic, looked up questions about inc*st on quora, drew all of my attention on the said family member to check for sensations and feelings etc. i try to think of men im actually attracted to and how my feelings compare to what im experiencing regarding my intrusive thoughts to make sense of this but it doesn't help. im literally all full of reassurance but nothing works. IT FEELS SO REAL. back then i was mostly bothered by the presence of the thoughts now i am just straight up questioning whether it is true. i don't want it to be true. but i can't control my desires or my libido. maybe this is just who i am and I'll have to accept it. i don't even know why i am saying all this when there is no valid evidence that my thoughts are ego-syntonic. when i first got the thoughts i was so overwhelmed and lost i told myself that I would kms if they turn out to be true because i don't want to be a deviant. im only a teenager and ive never had any weird sexual behaviors but this is making me question everything. it's like i know the thought ain't true but maybe it is in a different context?? i genuinely feel delusional and im constantly anxious and restless. it's like there's something at the back of my head telling me it's true it's true and i can't shake it away. ive been overthinking my compulsions and assumed im just faking them to pass as a person with ocd. the urges and feelings feel so real but i freaking despise them. but maybe im just a lost cause. im literally losing insight of everything and i don't know what to do.