New here and a little scared. I think I have so ocd (I have all the symptoms listed), something that I believe was triggered by something a person said to me. I used to get panic attacks and throw up from intrusive thoughts, until I learnt it was a real thing. I still feel anxious and have this thing where I have to say to my bf what I thought or it gets worse. I used to do the checking thing a lot, but I forced myself to not do it and now it's for the most part under control. Because of reading, researching and the incredible support from my bf, I'm doing better than I was last year (I'm still bad and have it on my mind every day). When I see beautiful women on tv, especially blonde women closer to my own age, I do a sort of internal flinch and go to "check" but stop myself. I find that I notice them/pay attention to them more and feel intimidated by them which sets my anxiety off along with some intrusive thoughts. I message my bf and work through it by messaging him and calm down. I feel a little uncomfortable after it and don't know how to like continue watching. It'll be like is looking checking or looking away avoidance? And I used to have back to back nightmares linked to socd, so bad I got anxiety over sleeping. I still have those nightmares occasionally, however, when I wake up from normal dreams and normal bad dreams, I wake up feeling anxious and the first thought is "lesbian" or "I'm not gay" in order to reassure that I am straight first thing when I wake up and to replay any moments with a female figure in the dreams to "check" it wasn't anything where I liked her. These bad dreams wake me up early hours of the morning. What is the best way to calm down, stop thinking about the dreams and thoughts and go back to sleep? Also because I am doing better now I have a name for these unwanted thoughts and anxiety, and am practising the exposure thing on my own, I have anxiety about not having anxiety sometimes when a thought invades my mind, which makes me feel like I am lying and don't have socd and that I am gay when I really don't want to be. When my bf kisses me and says really lovely things about me, especially in a romantic way, I feel so horrible and like a bad person because I feel so guilty about the intrusive thoughts. That's also a trigger for me and one that I certainly do not wish to have. He's the most amazing man in the word. We've been together 8 years in May and one day I want to marry him. He's been super understanding and helpful about the socd and intrusive thoughts. It's not who I am at all and deep down I know that I am 100% straight. It's the response to attractive women and feeling uncomfortable, the bad dreams and the lack of anxiety that are now the main issues for me. I can't afford any help right now, being unemployed because of the pandemic, but am trying to find free help but with specially trained professionals (difficult for where I live). So any advice on how to watch tv comfortably, or how to fall asleep after a bad dream with anxiety, or how to stop feeling anxious and like a liar about having ocd in the first place, would be very helpful. Thank you :)