Really struggling today... I have always identified as liking men. But yesterday, I not only successfully masturbated to a female, but it was a female I truly dislike. It makes me feel like I’m lying to myself and I dislike her because I want to be with her so badly but I’m ashamed? I don’t understand if that isn’t true why I orgasmed while fantasizing about her, and orgasmed quicker than what is normal for me. On another note, I stopped taking Effexor a couple weeks ago and my HOCD has started to come back. That ALSO makes me feel like I have these deep down desires that I can no longer just brush off because I’m not taking meds. HOW ELSE COULD I ORGASM TO THE THOUGHT OF A WOMAN IF I DONT LIKE WOMEN?

it’s the same for me and maybe in the future i might try it out i don’t know? but the idea of that makes me kinda like nervous like thinking of what it would be like i feel like i would be super nervous

This is what I’m experiencing too and I feel like I’ve been going through hell.

@Ope the idea of having sex with a girl doesn’t cause me any distress just imagining me like doing it makes me a little like scared in a way

@Ope i don’t think i have been too! and i remember being sexually curious about this one girl and i don’t remember like getting turned on or anything

@Ope That’s how I am too, like I’ve literally never had the thought of being with a woman but since I was a kid I found pleasure watching lesbian porn and now I feel like I’m questioning myself like am I even aroused by men? But I’ve always wanted to date guys. So confusing and I feel so dreadful and emotional.

@Ope I think the current relationship I’m in is also causing my ocd to be intense because it seems to be serious like he talks of marriage and kids but there are also shadow selves coming up. mixing relationship ocd with hocd and emotions is intense haha glad I’m not alone in feeling like this tho. Have you found anything that helps with ocd?

@Ope I’m considering taking medication beacause I’m realizing I’ve had ocd my whole life and it’s worse at times and on different obsessions. And Yeah I feel like I’m experiencing that fear now. Because with any guy I’ve ever dated it’s always been about their pleasure and I’ve always been insecure about my own body. So currently I’m questioning like, do I just have some issues I need to work on being inmate with men or is it because I like women.

@holley I totally feel you on this

@Ope This is also my most challenging aspect. I have actually tried things with a girl. I got so nervous felt like a was going to finish in like 2 seconds. Then when I did things to her it wasn’t at all what I thought it was going to be in my head and I got happy. Once I felt that I stopped right away because I was scared. Now I think to myself that I didn’t do it for long enough or that I have to do it again to be sure, even though I love having sex with my boyfriend, my brain convinces me that that’s not true.

@Anonymous see this is why i want to try things with a girl but i feel like i would be nervous too like that exact feeling

@holley I wouldn’t experiment to find certainty all it does is mess with your head. If you have ocd you will still be questioning it whether you like it or not. If that’s something you want to do it should be because you actually want to not because you’re ocd is pushing you to do it

@Anonymous Like I did but I didn’t know I had ocd at the time and I thought that’s what I had to do to be sure. But when I was still having trouble and a deep depression I realized something more had to be wrong

@Ope It’s such a scary disorder and I really don’t think there’s enough awareness about it. I’ve even had a therapist tell me that because I was so anxious about the relationship I was in that I needed to move on so I could find the right person for me then she went on to tell me all about her granddaughter (WHO I KNOW BTW) and all of her struggles with dating and how she finally found the right person. Like I’m not in need of advice, I’m in need of THERAPY.

@Anonymous i’ve always been curious about it even before ocd and i mean i would like to try it out one day just not right now.

Oh that’s good. Thank you. Just not sure why I had those thoughts in the first place.