- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 4y
Try to accept the thoughts. The key of liberation is to not fight these thoughts and not ruminate. Try to do something else instead. Focus on anything else. Do not solve the problem. (I am litteraly saying this for myself, lol) Good luck, you are not alone, I experience the same thing.
Thank you for comment. It feels so real right now and I feel like I’m just scared to go through the process of coming out and changing my life to be a lesbian. But I can’t deal with this suffering anymore so a part of me is dying to do that to see if all of this will go away
Have you ever read « how do I know I’m not really gay » by dr Fred Penzel ? If not, read it now ! But once. Lol. Just one time.
Great read. I’m just having trouble excepting that I’m gay. Because fears do have a possibility of coming true
Sorry to interrupt the post! Is this book for people with ocd? I have soocd too and if this book will help? Scared it’ll trigger me haha!
@Anonymous I don’t know what you mean by that. Its either you suffer from ocd or you don’t. Whatever the theme, if you suffer from ocd, the theme means nothing. I suggest that you reach out to a trained professional
@jonathan18 Hi, sorry I just meant to say that part of treatment is accepting that your fear may or may not be true and living with the uncertainty and is the part I have trouble excepting
@Legallyocd I don’t want to ruin your process but for me it feels like it is more about accepting the idea of doubt rather than accepting that you might be gay. Like when a trigger comes up, I try to say to my self « oh there is doubt and the mind doesn’t like it at all- but I’ll sit with it. (And I TRY to sit with it) Likewise, if your theme would be fear of catching aids, I don’t believe that it is productive to say to yourself « oh I accept that I might have aids » or « oh I accept that I might actually be a serial killer, or a pedophile », or whatever twisted idea ocd comes up with. If feel like it is more helpful to try to sit with the general concept of doubt. Anyways, it’s my view on it.
@jonathan18 Thank you for that tip! I mind automatically goes into analytical thinking of why is there a doubt in the first place so I guess that’s what I need to accept.
It is not a book but an article, and yes it is intended to people who suffer from soocd.
Thank you for your help! I’m still hesitant to read it haha! Googling and reading articles was a huge compulsion for me, I’ll add it to my list for erp tho 😂
@MelodyOCD It is not at all triggering, it details a list of symptoms that people who suffer from osocd experience.
@jonathan18 Oh I seee! I used to use articles like that for reassurance a lot, however now I’m scared I’ll read it and not relate to the symptoms and that I’ll find out it’s not ocd lol, it’s all one big circle of scary 😂
@MelodyOCD Aaaaannnnd this is why you have ocd 😂😂😂 we are funny people sometimes. I deal with stuff like this the same way. Incredible.
@jonathan18 Hahah it is pretty weird how our brains do this to us! 😂
I have been doing okay for the past week or so and was really happy i felt that i was getting back on track, but today i went on tiktok and i saw something triggering which was “i thought i was a lesbian for 4 years until i met my now boyfriend” and it triggered me very badly, i have been crying all day and i can’t seem to make myself feel okay. i feel like im lying to myself that im not lesbian and i truly want men, but when i get any thought about men it feels disgusting and wrong and not me, i don’t want men i feel so sick i want to get out of this. i always felt so happy as a lesbian im so stuck i don’t want to be with a man. i have a loving girlfriend i just want to be happy with her.
First I want to start off with, as a kid, my brother touched me inappropriately, I watched him do the same with my cousin, than later on I did the same to my cousin. I feel great shame for it and I have yet to forgive myself. Now, since than 10 years later, I have always loved women, fantasized about women, constantly prayed to have one and do things to be with one 1 day. I struggled with porn a lot as a kid because I was shown it at such a young age. I remember first watching lesbian porn, than moving to guy and girl, than countdowns, etc. I was so hooked that it took an identity crisis to end this porn addiction. (I have only been sober for 3 weeks.) Now I only mention this because I think my porn addiction somewhat ruined me, same way as what I did in the past did. A year ago, I started to talk to a childhood crush I had, and things felt so great. We started to get along but I knew all I wanted to do was have sex and move on as wrong as that is. I ended up falling in love with her and asked her to be my girl. 9 months in, we were having constant arguments and she had this problem where she couldn’t give me a break. We were with each other 24/7 and it felt like dealing with a sister at some point. I remember talking to my friends and asking them what would they do and they always advised me to leave but I was not willing to because I knew I loved her and the way I was feeling was temporary and couples argue. Couple weeks in, I started to have these thoughts that we weren’t going to work out and that I no longer found her attractive. I kinda ignored them because it simply wasn’t true, I still found her attractive and would get hard ons for her yet, I still had this mindset that, “Oh, there’s other hotter girls” and, “Your ex looked so much better.” and I couldn’t stop these thoughts. One day I randomly woke up and remembered what I did as a kid, my whole world felt like it flipped. The thoughts were now, “what if you don’t like her because you’re secretly gay?”. I first laughed at the thought because of how ridiculous it sounded, but than it just kept going. Two weeks from a cycle of unwanted thoughts (1st stage of my ocd), I finally got over the thought with simple toughness and determination, I did lots of research on what was going on with me and went with the, “thoughts are just thoughts” method. I was doing well until we watch a netflix documentary “American Murder: Gabby Petito” and all of a sudden my mind began to think, “What if I’m secretly a psychopath and want to kill my gf?”. For about a week straight, It’s all I was able to think about. It scared me so much and I didn’t know what to do. I started to get urges to KILL my gf. I didn’t know what to do so I left the room and crawled up in a ball, crying to god asking for help.These thoughts went away but were quickly replaced by, “You want to kill your gf because you’re just gay”. This sent me into such great panic, I couldn’t eat for days and couldn’t feel anything but anxiety. Days went by and I finally went to a doctor, at first I started to feel better as If I was getting help and things were going to be okay. The thoughts went away again as I began to start doing more things and get out of my room (head). I felt like I was back again, I was able to love my gf, I started to go to church, I felt that god was real and than boom. Here I am again and this time things have gotten really bad. I can’t stop “checking”. As soon as I wake up I check if my gf is “good” enough for me. I check my past and see if I have ever done anything that show signs of being gay. I check out other girls and guys to see whether or not I like one or the other. Even when I accepted the possibility that maybe I am just gay, my mind will fight me and tell me that I’m more than just gay. Truth is, I don’t know anymore. I’ve always loved girls and my gf. I don’t know if this is OCD anymore but I wish for my old life again. I’ve always been so proud of my sexuality and loved everything about it. I never been homophobic but gay stuff does make me uncomfortable. Each day feels like I lost another part of me. I feel like I can’t live like this anymore. I lost all my belief in god, my morals and value feel so weak, and my life is no longer a fun enjoyable thing to look forward to. I need help.
So my OCD has been bad lately. I’ve been ruminating and obsessing over my sexuality again. And it just keeps getting worse. I hate it so much. I try to sit with the discomfort but then my ocd does the backdoor spike. And the groinal response is what keeps me looped. It SUCKS. I am not attracted to men, but my OCD is trying SO hard to convince me that I am. There have been days where I’m just so mentally exhausted that I “accept” what my ocd tells me and I just walk around a hollow, lethargic shell. But then I rethink it and I feel better. It feels like I can only find my TRUE self when I tire my nervous system out enough that it literally breaks down and has me suicidal and hopeless. And then accepting my OCD’s “truth” (that I’m attracted to men) feels like a burden and a chore. I woke up today from an OCD dream, tried to go back to sleep, and my stomach kept cramping bc I was so anxious and ruminating over my intrusive thoughts. I’m starting to doubt it being OCD anymore. My brain is too tired to fight and cry about it anymore.
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