I have literally been doing compulsions all day. I am beyond sad, I have cried countless times. I literally feel gay and that I have to go off and be happy with a women to get over this. I’m so sad and want to die. I refuse to think that my life is going to be this constant sadness.

I don't usually post on here because it could end up becoming a compulsion or could be seen as reassurance seeking but I think I just need a place to vent and to also get some encouragement and peer support. I am really struggling with my intrusive thoughts and feelings today. All of it feels extremely real and convincing. Right now, I feel thoroughly convinced that I have already identified as either a lesbian or bisexual. I have been diagnosed with OCD by both a psychiatrist and a psychologist years ago and I still feel convinced that it isn't OCD. I keep feeling as if I am just using OCD as a cover-up / as an excuse to deny my “actual” sexual orientation / to hide the “fact that I'm actually lesbian / bisexual”. I have been practicing ERP whenever my schedule allows but it's tough... ERP typically works for me but on days like today, it doesn't seem to be working and that makes me doubt if I have OCD or not. At the same time, I am also convinced that ERP isn't working and I am secretly in denial / struggle with comphet / have internalised homophobia (which makes it worse because my family is homophobic and most of my intrusive thoughts have been targeting that / using that as evidence). Feeling really scared and hopeless... 😞

I feel like I want to be lesbian. I want to cry. I gave into compulsions and I went on lesbian TikTok. It feels like something I want to try and do and that I’d be happier. Why is it so real. I don’t want to be lesbian but I feel like I’m pushing down the truth. How do I stop giving into these compulsions and feel better, I can’t do this anymore. I don’t even remember being straight or liking men. I hate this.

My OCD is doing horrible. I was put on birth control to balance out my PMDD. I don’t think that’s going too well it just keeps getting worse. My mental health keeps getting worse. My OCD is so bad that my existential theme came back, the one I overcame six years ago for the most part. My POCD is flaring, my every single damn theme known to man is flaring right now. I feel absolutely insane and I feel like my OCD has never been this bad before. Even at its worst, like me posting 6x a day on here months ago. I’m doing a lot of compulsions it’s not my original compulsions or anything. They’re like really freaking complex like compulsions within compulsions. I feel like I’m literally dying. I feel so much fear. I haven’t been able to stop crying in my face is dry from all the salt. I don’t know what to do. I’m genuinely desperate. I don’t want to do this. I already tried relaxing because I have little periods of time where I feel a little better, and I even ordered myself some ice cream, but I’m not doing okay. I feel like I’m drowning in a nightmare and I just can’t wake up.