So I had a discussion about pdphilia today I asked if pedophiles were born or made. People said made. Which really just flipped on an anxiety switch for me. Back when I was a young teenager I was sucked down the rabbit hole of loli content and underage content on ao3. I know better now, I don’t do that anymore, and I understand that I was young and did not really know a lot better and was attracted to the taboo of it. But the guilt and the fear lingers and looms, it makes me feel sick. What if I am? What if I almost became one? What if this truly isn’t OCD but in fact me experiencing pedophilic attraction and am in denial about it? I feel awful. And scared. And alone.

Whoever said “made” is a fool. Fool is the nice word for it. There is no way to make a person enjoy something that is fundamentally against their core values as a human being. You were a child when you were reading that stuff. I have a lllloooooottttt of not so nice things to say about ao3 and how they run their website, they allow ANY content, and they don’t moderate it. There should not be an “underage” tag. Period. They are wrong for allowing it to be posted, and the adults who are writing it are criminals and deserve very very not nice things to happen to them. You are not alone. I’m sorry you were exposed to that stuff at all, let alone at such a vulnerable age. Reading that content as a child predisposes you to being groomed by adults. It does NOT then turn you into a predator as you age. It is a complete myth that most sex offenders were themselves abused as children. Studies have found that they will at first report childhood abuse, but when the examiner tells them their answers will be verified by a lie detector, when surveyed a second time almost all of them change their answer. They lie. When you are hurt as a child, you grow knowing how horrible it is to deal with, and almost NEVER do you go on to offend against children yourself. Your disgust, your guilt and sickness, that tells you all you need to know about who you are. You are a safe adult. You are disgusted by that stuff like everyone should be. Be kind to yourself my friend, you are not your thoughts, they are only a small part of what makes you, you.

What scares me is that pedophiles are born. That’s what causes my anxiety. I’m scared I’m a pedophile and there’s nothing I can do about it.