Hi, there! I’m going through an IOP program for my sexual orientation OCD, and I feel like I’m failing miserably. My anxiety and sexual arousal are almost indistinguishable, right now. When I first started obsessing over my sexuality I checked, and checked, and checked to see how I felt when looking at the women I’ve always followed on my Instagram. Now I’m at the point where I feel some kind of arousal response to any woman I look at. It’s almost immediate, and it absolutely terrifies me. It makes me feel very sick because I’ve never felt that way about women. I go a million rounds in my head trying to deduce if it’s real arousal or stress or whatever. Then my brain ruminates over whether or not I actually hate these feelings or if I secretly enjoy them. It makes my heart hurt to think I have to break up with my boyfriend because I’m a fraud. He’s the kind of guy I dreamed about being with most of my life. And I haven’t spent time with my female friends in so long. I’ve never felt more not like myself. I feel deeply alone and afraid that the IOP will do nothing for me in the end. Am I alone?

Sexual Orientation OCD

Scooterino

Date posted: 4y

You are not alone!

Abby

Date posted: 4y

Thank you for reminding me! ❤️

Anonyme

Date posted: 4y

I am also doing a online program and the doctor explained this : like you said you checked checked and checked to see how you felt and probably got a groinal response (which are not sign of arousal)... While you were doing that, your brain was learning. The same way you learn to write, now you don’t even need to think before writing, you just do it because you thought your brain. It is the exact same thing. You thought your brain to have a response... but if you think of it, attraction is not tought, it is natural. Hope this helps and is clear :)

Abby

Date posted: 4y

That makes so much sense! Yeah, I wish my OCD would let me believe it. It can be so, so hard!

OCDismyMiddl...

Date posted: 4y

Hey, you're not alone here. The truth is that it may be arousal (sorry to trigger you!) BUT it is not what you think - it certainly does not prove your sexuality. I suggest learning about non concordance arousal and how HOCD provokes it to no end. It will make you aroused by things you never used to be aroused by (or if you did, you never thought of it as your sexuality), and also make you feel not aroused by things you normally would have arousal with (your partner, for example). You are never alone and we understand how you feel!

Abby

Date posted: 4y

Thank you so, so much! I’m sorry if this is kind of like reassurance, but it helps so much to know this because I’ve been terrified of my body for so long. I just want to go back to normal!

OCDismyMiddl...

Date posted: 4y

@Abby There is a difference between reassurance and knowledge. I believe it's really important to distinguish the two. Reassurance would be to screenshot what I wrote and come back to it periodically, or reciting to yourself that everything is okay. Knowledge, on the other hand, can give you a broader perspective on the world. We live in a black and white mentality and an all or nothing attitude. Knowledge will set you free! I know this seems like a rant, but I used to be in this same cycle. :) I'm here for you, keep going! It does get better!!!

Abby

Date posted: 4y

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. Such good advice, Kylee, thank you! Is there some sort of direct messaging on this app? I’d be so appreciative to get some more information on this and also hear from someone who’s dealt with this before if you’d be ok with that. I find myself completely drowning in this and feeling like I’ve traded bodies with another person.

OCDismyMiddl...

Date posted: 4y

@Abby Absolutely. You can email me at: kyleecarrier18@gmail.com and talk from there!

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