One really painful and annoying thought that my brain tries to use as “proof” is my old best friend. In middle school I really struggled to make friends until I met my old best friend and after that we started hanging out all the time just us two because we both didn’t really have anyone we were super close to. This carried through all the way up into halfway through high school where we finally split. She went through a breakup and started ditching me for bad habits, meanwhile I was getting into a healthy relationship with my now boyfriend. Looking back, I was very possessive of her because I didn’t want to be alone and making new friends is very difficult for me because I always get scared of rejection and since we had already been friends for years it was easier to hang out with her but after meeting my boyfriend and expanding my social bubble I realized it was better if we weren’t friends with all the dumb stuff she was doing. I was a little torn up (more angry than nothing) but after a few months I got over it. However, when my soocd started in December I read an article about lesbians who realized they had feelings for their close female friends and so I spiraled and my thoughts latched onto her since she was the longest and closest friendship I’ve had. What makes it worse is that one time as a stupid freshman we kissed as a dare but it was only a peck and I felt nothing compared to the guys I’ve kissed, I was way more interested in the reaction of the crowd as opposed to her. I regret it so so so much, I was just being a shallow stupid teen. I wish I could go back and slap myself if I knew it would torture me this much. I had no interest in getting to know her beyond our shared interests and the thought of being with her intimately just doesn’t appeal to me but since the thoughts won’t go away it feels like a lie. Before my soocd, I never questioned our friendship. I hate this so much 😭