Please Read. I need to say this because I want to be hold responsible, but I also want to know if I can move on from this and tried to have a life again. Like before, but with I hope better decisions. I have a story similar to others, when I was 5 I was a curious girl and I was curious about sexuality. I play with my cousin and he touch my parts, my cousin was 3 years younger than me. I regret that after the first time because in my deep I knew that was bad, but the game continue because my cousin like it and he say that he wouldn't play with me anymore if we don't play that game. This Lasted some years until I put a stop because the guilt was much. I started avoiding him. I still fear that he would think that play was fine because of me and play like that with his future daughters, or sister. Time passed and I was 11 and I discovered fanfictio. I started with straight fanfiction, but then I started reading gay fanfiction more and more. And then the only thing I read was smut gay fanfiction. I have ocd since I'm ten. I would think I do something sexual to a teacher, and I would check my memory to verify I didn't. So I know I have OCD. This 2020 I started to have magical thinking ocd, and I would think this man is a rapist and then I would tell a phrase in my head saying he's not a rapist. I also started to have dreams about children, and I freak out. I also had intrusive thoughts about my cousin, my cousin's little sister. Of her being in a sexual way, and I would pray that nothing happened to her. I daydream a lot, and I started daydreaming erotic things. And one of the erotic things would be gay sex. I started to have daydreams about gay sex, and I would imagine a teen muscular man, and a teen feminine boy. Now I regret this with passion because now I fear that the fem guy look like young boy. I also read a lot of bad stuff on wattpad. Like a fanfic of a 13 and 10 boys having sex, and in the moment I thought to myself that it wasn't nothing. That I have just 15, and they are drawings, and the only thing I should do is imagine them older. Now I have flashbacks that I didn't. I also avoid looking children in tv or family members because I would imagine something bad, and I didn't want to do that. I also started to notice that some younger boys look a lot alike to the fem boys I would imagine. I also started avoiding looking tv children because of this. I also would tell myself that the guy that i imagine were teens not boys. This last days of February I started to watch wandavision. And this series had two boys that were billy and tommy. For people that don't know. Billy is one of the popular gay characters in marvel, so I started daydreaming about the future of this boy, but in teen, but when I tried to make him look older, I couldn't. I also started to notice a grionial reaction when I look at the boys, and I freak out. I start to look if OCD can make this happen, and I was relieved to hear that it could happen, but I still had my doubts. I started to have grionial constantly, and I had a lot of guilt. I didn't want to eat, i didn't want countinue living. My mom notice and I have to calm down. I need to explain my situation. I'm a immigrant. My family is also an immigrant. My that don't like to live in the states. The only reason he is still here is me. Because he wants me to have a good future. Everything was okey. I still had the images and grionial reactions, but everything was okey. This April. I don't remember the day. I started to have grionial reactions with intrusive images. And i decided to change the image and touch myself with that image, but then the image shift and I had to stop myself, and went to the bathroom. But the grionial reaction felt to strong. I was mad at myself because I knew the image was going to shift. I tell myself that it was the ocd until days later I started to feel guilty about it. Last weekend I was trying to see Netflix to distract myself. And I see the cover of a series and I imagine the sexual scene but the scene shift, and I visualize my sister cousin in it, and the scene was too real, and I had a strong grionial reaction. I feel bad but I told myself that it was ocd. Days later the scene was really prominent in my head because I'm almost sure that I did it on purpose, and I checked why I did it, and I repeat in my head again and again and again, and the worst thing is that I have grionial reactions always. Each time I less and less convince that it was ocd. Other thing I wanted to tell is that this weekend and week I convince myself that I was a p3d0 multiple times for long periods of time. And after I imagine that with my cousin again and again I feel like I crossed a line I was before. Yesterday I felt empty and anxious only trying to recreate the scene in my head trying to look for something that would tell me is ocd. Today a feel normal, with guilt like always, but normal. My mom ground me because I lie to her because I didn't eat. I started to eat less because I didn't have the energy, and because I felt like I don't deserve it. And my dad also have to talk to me. So I had to calm myself down. Now I don't know what to do. I need to keep forward for my family because the only thing my that is still in this country that is sucking his energy is me. And I did everything of above. I can't end my life because I can't do that to my family, but how I'm going to live with this in my conscious. I imagine my little cousin like that and I repeat the scene multiple times. Today I see the thumbnail of a boy, and he remember me of the fem guy i used to imagine and I feel I grionial reaction, and now I feel guilty. I had the opportunity to do the right thing to stop this to happen, and I take the wrong choice everytime. When I tell myself that the guy look young, I just told myself that it looked like an teen girl. I screw myself over, and I don't know what I should do. I need to keep going forward for myself, but after everything I imagine and did I don't know. I don't want to be a p3d0 but now it feels like i'm one. I always feel afraid of going to hell because of what I did when I was 5, but now I'm sure I will never be with my family in heaven. Not after everything I imagine. I can't cry, and I want to cry, I want to feel something but I can't. I just feel guilt and nothing. I regret everything. I'm sorry. I will go to a therapist in the future. When I'm old enough to do it on my own. I don't want to feel this anymore and I just want this to stop, but honestly after I imagine that about my little cousin I can't move on. The scene is in my head, and I still have grionial reactions. When i tried to concentrate in class I have flashbacks about what i did. I write this to ask people if I deserve to tried to pretend that this never happened, and pretend to be normal. And when I have an intrusive scene or image avoid it and move on. I just want someone to tell me that I can have a normal life after this. I don't know if I'm a p3d0 or is pocd or both. I just want to move on. Please someone tell me that I can move on. And tried to be better and that I can change and be normal again. Please I need that. Is the only thing I want to hear. I'm 15 right now. I just want to hope that this is not going to be me for the rest of my life.