Please Read. I need to say this because I want to be hold responsible, but I also want to know if I can move on from this and tried to have a life again. Like before, but with I hope better decisions. I have a story similar to others, when I was 5 I was a curious girl and I was curious about sexuality. I play with my cousin and he touch my parts, my cousin was 3 years younger than me. I regret that after the first time because in my deep I knew that was bad, but the game continue because my cousin like it and he say that he wouldn't play with me anymore if we don't play that game. This Lasted some years until I put a stop because the guilt was much. I started avoiding him. I still fear that he would think that play was fine because of me and play like that with his future daughters, or sister. Time passed and I was 11 and I discovered fanfictio. I started with straight fanfiction, but then I started reading gay fanfiction more and more. And then the only thing I read was smut gay fanfiction. I have ocd since I'm ten. I would think I do something sexual to a teacher, and I would check my memory to verify I didn't. So I know I have OCD. This 2020 I started to have magical thinking ocd, and I would think this man is a rapist and then I would tell a phrase in my head saying he's not a rapist. I also started to have dreams about children, and I freak out. I also had intrusive thoughts about my cousin, my cousin's little sister. Of her being in a sexual way, and I would pray that nothing happened to her. I daydream a lot, and I started daydreaming erotic things. And one of the erotic things would be gay sex. I started to have daydreams about gay sex, and I would imagine a teen muscular man, and a teen feminine boy. Now I regret this with passion because now I fear that the fem guy look like young boy. I also read a lot of bad stuff on wattpad. Like a fanfic of a 13 and 10 boys having sex, and in the moment I thought to myself that it wasn't nothing. That I have just 15, and they are drawings, and the only thing I should do is imagine them older. Now I have flashbacks that I didn't. I also avoid looking children in tv or family members because I would imagine something bad, and I didn't want to do that. I also started to notice that some younger boys look a lot alike to the fem boys I would imagine. I also started avoiding looking tv children because of this. I also would tell myself that the guy that i imagine were teens not boys. This last days of February I started to watch wandavision. And this series had two boys that were billy and tommy. For people that don't know. Billy is one of the popular gay characters in marvel, so I started daydreaming about the future of this boy, but in teen, but when I tried to make him look older, I couldn't. I also started to notice a grionial reaction when I look at the boys, and I freak out. I start to look if OCD can make this happen, and I was relieved to hear that it could happen, but I still had my doubts. I started to have grionial constantly, and I had a lot of guilt. I didn't want to eat, i didn't want countinue living. My mom notice and I have to calm down. I need to explain my situation. I'm a immigrant. My family is also an immigrant. My that don't like to live in the states. The only reason he is still here is me. Because he wants me to have a good future. Everything was okey. I still had the images and grionial reactions, but everything was okey. This April. I don't remember the day. I started to have grionial reactions with intrusive images. And i decided to change the image and touch myself with that image, but then the image shift and I had to stop myself, and went to the bathroom. But the grionial reaction felt to strong. I was mad at myself because I knew the image was going to shift. I tell myself that it was the ocd until days later I started to feel guilty about it. Last weekend I was trying to see Netflix to distract myself. And I see the cover of a series and I imagine the sexual scene but the scene shift, and I visualize my sister cousin in it, and the scene was too real, and I had a strong grionial reaction. I feel bad but I told myself that it was ocd. Days later the scene was really prominent in my head because I'm almost sure that I did it on purpose, and I checked why I did it, and I repeat in my head again and again and again, and the worst thing is that I have grionial reactions always. Each time I less and less convince that it was ocd. Other thing I wanted to tell is that this weekend and week I convince myself that I was a p3d0 multiple times for long periods of time. And after I imagine that with my cousin again and again I feel like I crossed a line I was before. Yesterday I felt empty and anxious only trying to recreate the scene in my head trying to look for something that would tell me is ocd. Today a feel normal, with guilt like always, but normal. My mom ground me because I lie to her because I didn't eat. I started to eat less because I didn't have the energy, and because I felt like I don't deserve it. And my dad also have to talk to me. So I had to calm myself down. Now I don't know what to do. I need to keep forward for my family because the only thing my that is still in this country that is sucking his energy is me. And I did everything of above. I can't end my life because I can't do that to my family, but how I'm going to live with this in my conscious. I imagine my little cousin like that and I repeat the scene multiple times. Today I see the thumbnail of a boy, and he remember me of the fem guy i used to imagine and I feel I grionial reaction, and now I feel guilty. I had the opportunity to do the right thing to stop this to happen, and I take the wrong choice everytime. When I tell myself that the guy look young, I just told myself that it looked like an teen girl. I screw myself over, and I don't know what I should do. I need to keep going forward for myself, but after everything I imagine and did I don't know. I don't want to be a p3d0 but now it feels like i'm one. I always feel afraid of going to hell because of what I did when I was 5, but now I'm sure I will never be with my family in heaven. Not after everything I imagine. I can't cry, and I want to cry, I want to feel something but I can't. I just feel guilt and nothing. I regret everything. I'm sorry. I will go to a therapist in the future. When I'm old enough to do it on my own. I don't want to feel this anymore and I just want this to stop, but honestly after I imagine that about my little cousin I can't move on. The scene is in my head, and I still have grionial reactions. When i tried to concentrate in class I have flashbacks about what i did. I write this to ask people if I deserve to tried to pretend that this never happened, and pretend to be normal. And when I have an intrusive scene or image avoid it and move on. I just want someone to tell me that I can have a normal life after this. I don't know if I'm a p3d0 or is pocd or both. I just want to move on. Please someone tell me that I can move on. And tried to be better and that I can change and be normal again. Please I need that. Is the only thing I want to hear. I'm 15 right now. I just want to hope that this is not going to be me for the rest of my life.

*tmi warning* I'm so worried im a P. Ive been crying daily unable to do anything else but ruminate over my real events. When i was 14 (before ocd) i was watching adult content and it was censored. The woman had similar features like hair and skin color as my niece. I remember noticing that and saying "huh i guess I'll imagine that as the adult version of my niece" and I did and after i was finished i moved on and didnt think anything was wrong. I dont know if i ever thought about that again? Its so blurry ocd keeps saying i did it again in a different time but i dont remember its too blurry and its scaring me so badly! I didnt even remember this till like literally last week and i wanted to die! Im 20 for context. When I remembered i immediately broke down in tears. I vaguely rmemeber this other thought i had of her when self pleasuring when I was 16??? I think it was a testing thought out of distress? But im not sure at all! It was extremely vague image and unrealistic i dont think I liked it but maybe i did?! Im so distressed its like i remmeber 2 versions of this particular event which is why I think its ocd false memories from there. Ive been ruminating and spiraling for almost a week. I keep crying i havent ate well at all in days ive been honestly dehydrating myself and i cannot sleep. I feel like a monster. I did the mistake of researching last night and kept comparing myself to the "criteria" of those sickos and like I felt so distressed. I also have been asking ai for hours on end everyday. I feel so distressed im literally crying rn as i write this i cant calm down i feel like this sick individual even tho I dont even like thinking of that at all i dont think I meant ill intent when i was a teen but its killing me inside. I would NEVER harm anyone nor want to or plan to, deep down i know I would never act out in those evil ways but like whats killing me is what if im attracted?! Is this a sign?! Am i one of those people?! Am i attracted to my niece bc of those 2 maybe even 3(??)thoughts years ago?! Did i mean ill intent?! Am I an actual danger?! Am I a monster??? I have so many urges to confess to my mom im so scared what this all means or could mean. I feel so alone and scared. Like legit whenever i get intrusive thoughts about gross stuff i feel disgusted and anxious and push it away. Those thoughts do not bring me pleasure whatsoever but this real event is making me doubt my own identity 😔

This is really hard for me to post and put out here, I'm not diagnosed with OCD, I just recently started talk therapy. But when I was a child my mom speculated because I had OCD. Because I would have compulsions from intrusive thoughts that always stemmed around SA. Everything for me gets stuck in a record player and a spiral and I can't stop. This is a really concerning and disturbing one, so I thought I would warn again if the topic seems too much for many people. I just recently learned about false memeory OCD and its the only explanation I can come up with right now. I've never shared an intrusive thought out loud but this one is too much. I have been in a really intense spiral lately, where I keep having these extremely vivid memeories of me sexually assaulting people not in my body like I'm sleep walking. It's extremely disturbing and I've convinced myself I have this sort of alter identity or a sleep disorder that is violent. Ive looked up a bunch of disorders like that. I asked a few people if I sleep walk but they don't remember me ever doing something like that, but what if they somehow surpressed a memeory too? I want to bring this up to my therapist, but I have been afraid to because it is so much and a spiral that has lasted for the course of months now and I have ruined my mental health and relationships because of it. I am extremely paranoid that everyone is lying to me or plotting to hurt me. But not because I think they are bad, but because I believe I deserve it. It got to the point where I now have memories of people trying to tell me I am creepy and that I had done things to SA them, along with memories of people talking while I'm not in the room about it. And I genuinely can't tell if it's real or not because I swear they are actual events that I just never put too much thought into in the past or completely dissociated from. (My main response to anything too much or difficult is to dissociate.) It's actually concerning me and the people around me because if it's true then I don't think I should be around society. I don't eat right, I'm too afraid to sleep without my door locked, I am unemployed with no sense of direction out of highschool because of it. It all stemmed from a surpressed memeory , witch who knows is real now, where my ex calls me and tells me I assaulted him, and that he was going to get me back, and that he had spread explicit photos of me. Now I genuinely feel like there is evidence to back up this because he brings up all my coworkers I had at the time, and I have memories of them making strange comments to me. If I somehow assaulted this guy without having an ounce of social awareness of what I was doing was assault then I feel like I absolutely deserve every ounce of mental spiral that is consuming me and worse. And I don't know how to stop this. And I'm afraid if I tell my therapist she might put me in a hospital and my family just doesn't have the money for that, and neither do I as an individual. The guilt would consume me. But I'm pretty sure I have no choice at this point. Because anouther "memory" resurfaced where I took a nightmare I had a long time ago and somehow turned it into me being Sexually assaulted by my father this time, and now I can't look at him or my family without absolute disgust. And I have "memories" of my family trying to talk to me about it but I completely forgot the event and processed it like a dream. I can't tell if something really creepy is actually happening or not but I'm starting to think it is because the way my brother acts around my family is weird but it could be my paranoia and the fact I have been freaking out everyone around me with my mental health. Either way I need to tell a professional because if I DID hurt my ex seriously, I need to take every ounce of accountability. But I don't wanna confess to a memory I don't even fully understand myself. I thought about contacting him several times and asking him if I have ever caused pain, but he blocked me and I feel like that crosses boundaries he has clearly set. Also I don't want to put this mental crisis on any other people, because my family is already freaked out enough. After writing this all out I'm starting to believe I really should force myself to tell my therapist no matter the consequences, I just feel like I need to admit this to a someone to get over my fear of saying it all out loud. Because everyday and every night I keep being plagued by these unwanted flashes of either me being hurt or me hurting other people In really disturbing and terrible ways. and it feels completely real with like context I've made to back it up. Am I unconsciously creepy? I'm just afraid I've become my worse fear and I was it without knowing my whole life.

I feel like I wasted my life.I am almost 20 years old I feel like I did some mistakes that are too horrible to be forgiven.I didnt help a kid who needed help..Who was in danger ..Who was hurt.This made me think I am dangerous and can't be trusted.I started to have these terrible terrible thoughts(pocd) and I feel like I changes since then.Like I am not a ,,pure" person.That I can't be like I was before.I hope it was a compulsion..I used to also stare at kids years ago.I know is so disgusting and I will never act like that again.I feel like I did something too terrible.I am scared this is all proof I am a p..I don't wanna be that.I will never do something but I am so disgusted by my thoughts.I know I shoulf not seek reassurance and all but I don't know if anyone will want to be near me if they knew.I feel like an impostor.And I am scared to tell a therapist..what if they told me that I really am?! Ped******a is one of the things that disgust me the most ..(I think for everyone is like that).I feel like I am too terrible to do something in life.After all of this idk if I deserve anything.Maybe there was a chance if I didn't start to have these thoughts..but now..I want to became a psychologist, to travel the world.I feel like I wasted my life .And I feel like I have too many things to do and have a lot of places to go.Some people are sick and can't do the things I CAN do.And I feel guilty because of that.And I am also scared I will get sick( as I write this, I am scared I will manifest it).I am going to a therapist but idk if I have the courage to tell abt my pocd