Marializ

Date posted: 4y

I want to ask people here If this makes me a p3d0. I read fanfiction since I'm 10 and since I'm 12 I started to read about yaoi( gay sex) This last months of 2020 and first of 2021 I read horrible stuff. I found this ship(paring) and the characters have 13 and 10. I read fanfiction about them. I remember telling myself that It doesn't matter If I read about them I'm 15 and they are just drawings, and the only thing I should do is imagined them older. I and I have now flashbacks and I couldn't imagine them older. I also read some bizarre things involving one of the characters. Another thing I used to do months ago was fantasizing about gay sex, and one of the guys would be really feminine to the point of looking like a boy. I have memories of me trying to imagined them older, but I don't remember If I did that all the time. I'm sorry to everyone. I never wanted to be this person now. I don't know why I did it anyways if I knew it was bad.

POCD

Marializ

Date posted: 4y

Thank you I hope the same

Marializ

Date posted: 4y

Now I realize that that was technically cp and I want to kill myself for doing that.

Marializ

Date posted: 4y

I don't want to live anymore with that in my conscious. I'm sorry

PalmTree

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 4y

You’re asking for reassurance, and while getting reassurance may feel good, it will only make things worse in the long run. It also doesn’t help to ruminate and attempt to remember what you thought or felt at the time. Keep on moving ahead and work on accepting uncertainty about what you may or may not have felt.

Marializ

Date posted: 4y

After everything I did in the past, can I tried to be happy again?

PalmTree

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 4y

@Raeg156 You’ll get there. Have some compassion for yourself. OCD is hard

Marializ

Date posted: 4y

@Anonymous But what I did was horrible, and I just make excuses for that when I thought they were bad. I don't have the right to be happy anymore.

Marializ

Date posted: 4y

@Anonymous I even reread some stuff pf that

PalmTree

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 4y

Don’t reread them, that sounds like a compulsion. Think, “maybe it means I’m horrible, maybe it doesn’t.” Keep on saying that to yourself to get used to feeling uncertainty.

PalmTree

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 4y

I’m rooting for you!

Marializ

Date posted: 4y

No. I remember that i reread some of that stuff before this started. And it wasn't so long ago

Marializ

Date posted: 4y

@Anonymous Thank you, but I don't know what differences me from a p3d0 anymore

PalmTree

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 4y

@Raeg156 I deal with the same thing. It’s hard not knowing! But know what a lot of people deal with this, and you’re not alone

PalmTree

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 4y

It’s in the past and you can’t change it. I’d recommend looking up YouTube videos about Real Event OCD.

Marializ

Date posted: 4y

Thank you very much But after everything i read in the past you think I'm not a p3d0?

PalmTree

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 4y

Once again I don’t want to give you reassurance. Work on being okay with not knowing. Use this app’s SOS feature and watch YouTube vids about OCD and uncertainty for guidance about learning to accept uncertainty.

Marializ

Date posted: 4y

@Anonymous Okey, sorry. If you want. Can you share your story with me? That would help me feel less alone. Only if you want, but thank you anyway for your words. I don't have help of any kind right now. You're really nice. I hope that you can get better.

Marializ

Date posted: 4y

@Anonymous I also want to know if you are in therapy

PalmTree

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 4y

I’m in therapy for multiple themes. I just started and am already feeling better. Hope you get help too!

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