I was reading a blog/article Jackie Lea Sommers wrote “a closer look at hocd.” In it she interviews 2 sufferers of hocd and 2 people who are gay. The one guy who is gay said he didn’t know he was gay but knew he was different because he would stop the tv on guys who are working out and without their shirts on. Ocd instantly brought up how I got aroused by naked pictures of woman and naked women in scenes on tv when I was like 5. I used to think something was wrong with me because I got aroused by this stuff and didn’t want others to think I was a lesbian and I didn’t want to be one. Ocd says I just am disgusted because I grew up thinking it was wrong and that’s why I feared being gay because I couldn’t accept myself... and that I only was excited to talk to my current bf/wanted to be with him to be normal/straight. This whole thing sucks and makes me feel like a failure in recovery like I’m only discovering the truth.

Even my therapist had told me that (and the one previous) but it’s just too damn convincing. My ocd thrives in my past with anything sexual, I’ve done erp towards it but am thinking acceptance needs to be added since I can’t seem to be okay with it.

@Corie Yeah Maybe that’s why it’s not working as well as you want but acceptance is the hardest part because you don’t want the fear to be true so why in earth would you be like OK maybe it is true

@Justmesadly I just have to remember acceptance isn’t agreement! I can’t force it either, it just has to come naturally over time. With HOCD, I feel like the longer it goes on the more “relatable” I feel to people who are gay. I guess it’s just being more stubborn as I was getting better throwing feelings of it being true to keep me in the loop of compulsions.

@Corie I think it’s important to not compare because I think it looks very similar to people who hide their sexuality their whole life which can just send you spiraling

@Justmesadly Yes, very very true! I think it can look very similar

@Corie I also know so many of my girl friends who have made comments about women being beautiful or aroused by same sex porn but they identify as straight and I just don’t understand why this is so difficult for me/us. When/how did your theme start?

@lola2214 Chronically since I was 21. Always had the fear of others thinking/saying I was gay or am gay if they knew what I was aroused by since middle school (11/12). It’s like I always wanted people to know I’m straight and was scared otherwise! I almost think this is why ocd attacked what it did because I’ve always been fearful of it. It first came about chronically when I couldn’t climax during sex with my ex bf. I was googling why couldn’t I, and I had a fear it meant I was a lesbian and that’s why I only watched gay and lesbian porn. Even though I never wanted to be with a woman.

@Corie We’re one in the same sister. Mine started right after college at 22. It’s exactly all of what you said. I’m in an amazing relationship, I live with him, I love him to death except for this OCD which has either made sex a compulsion or i avoid it now. I was like scared of sex for a long time because it was painful at times. I was aroused by same sex porn but not once did a thought ever come that I wanted to do it in real life and esp not romantically. And a tv show threw me into a tailspin I’ve never gotten fully out of.

@lola2214 Yes, I love my current bf and was so head over heels for him! I have a bit of rocd too that is mainly linked to hocd, so my relationship/attraction is also being attacked but even with this all going on I’m happy to be with him and excited to move in together!!

@lola2214 For me it was a tv show that had a girl who was dating this guy then decided she was in love with her best friend and I was like omg what if that happens to me. But also similar experience to Corie, but I’ve never felt aroused by women or their bodies

@Justmesadly I’ve never been aroused by just looking at a woman, it was mostly just a woman’s naked body and in sexual context/manner. But now with hocd I can feel arousal or a groinal just by looking at them of course 😂

@Corie What’s the difference between looking at them and their bodies? Lol I meant looking at their bodies?

@Justmesadly I just meant like looking at a naked body versus not lol

@Corie Oh okay that makes sense more sense

@Ope I hope you didn’t take what I said wrong !

@Ope Thanks so much, always happy we have each other in this community! We can all get through it, brighter days are ahead!

No!! For awhile she couldn’t figure out what my core fear is, I feel like it changes almost.

@Corie I started looking and was like can I pick all of the fears? And got superrrr anxious. I think looking into the HOCD websites have started becoming my biggest compulsion so need to avoid now.

@lola2214 I normally don’t, I stopped the Google search but today I caved

@lola2214 Hi sorry to interrupt! I was just wondering what core gear work was? I’m doing therapy with nocd and mine hasn’t brought this up? :)

@MelodyOCD Fear*

@MelodyOCD https://drmichaeljgreenberg.com/the-core-fear/

@lola2214 Thank you!