Scared and feeling like im faking my attractions towards men *sighs* I hate this it’s so real, but it wouldn’t be ocd if it wasn’t

I want to mention although I didn’t daydream about marrying a man and having kids a lot, I still knew or thought I knew that is what I wanted!! Lol 😆

Awww im sorry. In my childhood I always had crushes on guys, new what being gay was but never cared and was asked if i was gay at 11 (i was horrible sexually assaulted from 6-9) by my mom and said no and liking girls was weirder than liking guys and never gave it a second thought (and people KNOW at that age). And i would fantasize about like me and my best friends having husbands, then my barbies always were with a guy, and when me and girls got past the friend stage we’d be “sisters” However i was always obsessed with being popular and wanted to be friends with the popular girls so i could be popular. Literally i remember when i was like 12 and before hocd hit, i’d have goals to have one of the popular girls hug me so i know i could be popular and i always remember noticing girls who were really pretty. I think i wanted to be like them (i hope). I never remember once wanting to kiss them. However, there were like normal childhood experimentation things under the age of 9 with the same sex which is EXTREMELY normal. Its actually less normal with the opposite sex. And i had a friend who was gay when we were 11 and when she was naked she spread her legs and i looked away and she tried to make me look while giggling and i told her i didn’t want to and to not touch me cause that was disgusting. And i was 11 soooooo yeah And i remember vivid crushes on guys, and ive had themes before this Soooo yeah, mines now more of the struggle that it’s fucked with my brain so much and rewired it so much that idk its so weird Like you can’t control how your body responds to someone and whenever a boy touches me in a certain way or i have a sex dream with a boy my body responds A LOT but i get a blockage/wall in my head and become uncomfortable which my hocd runs with (also from past sexual assault) Honestly, we both should get erp. Try not to test or ruminate or do what we just did, cause the days i make myself dont test are the days im doing better. Our brians are messed up right now and are wired to give the reactions we dont want and are full of doubt, so there’s no point in testing. That’s what i always tell myself when im about too. (Which is now like all the time) And remember, everyone’s battle is different. We may all have had similar thoughts at times, but every experience is completely different. Also btw I have been scared that i liked the thoughts before, and even felt that i had and that i wanted them and that thought just sparks anxiety in my heart typing. But we both got this:)