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Stuckinmyhead

Date posted: 4y

Hey everyone, I’m really struggling with something and it’s definitely triggering my ROCD and obsessive/intrusive thoughts. This might get too personal but honestly, I don’t know what else to do besides write it all out for people who understand what ROCD is like. Also this might be long and probably is NSFW so just keep that in mind... Okay, so 1.5 years ago, my boyfriend went away to work in another province for awhile. We were toying with the idea of “opening up” our relationship and so I basically told him to do whatever he wanted while he was away and i had the same freedom. But the whole time he was away was just kind of messy and we were not in a great spot in our relationship. He didn’t do anything with any one else while he was away. I’m not even sure that’s relevant to the story but anyway... Long story short, he came home for Christmas a few months later (2019). We went to buy something off marketplace and when he entered the “message” portion of the eTransfer, I saw it auto-suggest “for pics”. I questioned him on it and asked what “for pics” meant and he told me that some girl on FB was selling “sexy photos” for $10 and he bought them. He said they weren’t even worth buying, he’s never talked to her before or after, and that was that. I was obviously upset but eventually we talked it through and I forgot about it. Until this morning when I randomly remembered and got really anxious about it again. I’m not even sure I care that much- I obviously don’t like it, but don’t see much of a difference between that and just looking at porn online. I googled it to try and see if it was a big deal or not... Well, that was a mistake. Post after post after post about what a scummy, creepy loser guys are that pay for this content. And how it’s 100% cheating and I should have dumped him long ago. So now I’m obviously very upset and anxious over this thing that happened so long ago. I feel like I need to break up with him even though we had worked through it. I’m RACKING my brain trying to remember the exact conversation we had and where exactly we were in our relationship at the time. If it was during the period of “doing whatever he wanted” then technically he didn’t do anything wrong but...I can’t remember and I’m going nuts. Sorry for all of this. I feel stupid even posting about this. This feels super personal and stupid to write about to strangers on an OCD forum...I just don’t know what to do. I’m hoping for some gentle and level-headed advice. Not this “dump him ASAP” stuff I keep reading online. Thanks all!

Relationship OCD

🤎

Date posted: 4y

hey!! don’t beat yourself up over it and you’re 100% not stupid. rocd can flare up whenever with whatever. if this is something you worked through and were fine with then that’s all that matters. it depends on what you feel is okay in your relationship, not other people. try to feel secure in your decision because you allowed yourself to make it and that’s all that matters.

Stuckinmyhead

Date posted: 4y

Thanks so much! That’s really helpful. We ended up talking about it this afternoon and I do feel better. He said it was only ever once, he hasn’t done it since and won’t do it again, and the only reason he did it was because we were in the “in between” phase. But thank you so much for your kindness and compassion!

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