this is hard to explain, but i am always ruminating on the mistakes i made during my last relationship (july 2019-november 2019) during the relationship, i was struggling really badly with intrusive thoughts and relationship OCD but i was undiagnosed and much less mature. i had constantly avoided kissing my boyfriend as i was obsessed with the idea of my first kiss and i wanted it to be perfect. i was so scared i would do something and he'd break up with me and i often questioned if i was just lying to myself about liking him just so i wouldn't be lonely anymore. i was overthinking everything i said to him, sometimes i couldn't even look him in the eyes because of how badly i was worrying. he broke up with me in november 2019 (very nicely lol) but i still talk to him and we are still friends. the problem is, i look back on our relationship all the time and blame myself for everything. i do think i still love him, and sometimes i find myself thinking "if only i had known about my OCD" or "i wish i could tell him about my OCD now so he can know it wasn't his fault it didn't work". he is a wonderful person and i was lucky my first relationship was with him, but im scared he thinks he did something wrong that made me so closed off and weird. many times i consider texting him an apology or a big explanation, but considering its been a year and a half i think that's a little weird. has anyone ever experienced this or does anyone have any advice? it keeps me up at night and i don't talk about it with my best friend because she knows him and i don't want her knowing how much i still think of him.

Relationship OCD

tinamariad

Date posted: 4y

I struggled similarly when I was 16. I also didn't know I had anxiety/OCD, and me being so open of the LGBTQA+ community, when I fell for my best friend and we started dating, I thought "Well this is no problem." But it was. I puked every single day before going to school and class and I kept pushing it aside, just thinking I was nervous to be in a new relationship like anyone would be. Then, eventually, I decided it was my best friend's fault for everything, broke up, and my puking stopped....... until I started dating again. And I was long since out of the closet. It was then I realized that the problem was something internally within me holding me back from a happy, sustainable relationship. I reached out to my ex recently, same one, and I confided in him (he uses he/him pronouns) everything and apologized like I should've and he was very receptive. He admitted he could've done me better too, and now we're on good terms. And I'm *twenty-three* now, to put it in perspective. I held back for a long time because I didn't wanna cause my ex anymore distress than I already have, and it turns out, he wanted to reach out to me and apologize but hesitated to. I'm not saying this is the same situation, but that even the long overdue apologies you think aren't relevant anymore to someone can go a long way sometimes. ❤️ Totally up to you though. Hang in there and know you have a friend in me. 💕

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