Having a tough couple of days at the moment because i finally gave into the compulsion of reading the masterdoc the other day. I feel as though all my crushes on guys can be explained by comp het and that none of it was real. Im worried i might have had a crush on a girl when i was 15 or so but didnt realise it at the time even though i was already having intrusive thoughts about this back then as well so i dont know if it was checking or actually true. Ive been trying to accept that im probably a lesbian but im really struggling. I dont want to do anything anymore and i just feel numb. I dont feel attracted to guys anymore either but i also cant imagine myself with a girl either but i genuinely think im in denial at this point and ive just been using ocd as an excuse. I feel like i cant go to a therapist because its probably not ocd anymore and i just feel really stuck and guilty about everything and dont know what to do. I know i should try and accept the uncertainty but i feel like its all true now and i cant get past that thought. Sorry for the long post and im really sorry if i triggered anyone. I would appreciate any replies, im just feeling very alone to be honest..

I just feel like im actually in denial and it sucks. Like i know theres nothing wrong with it at all and everyone would accept me and stuff but i just dont want it! But then i feel like im lying to myself again. Thanks for commenting and yeah i knew i shouldnt have read it but its so hard to resist the compulsions. Usually i can reassure myself (also bad i know) but this time it feels like everything just proves its true. Well done for not engaging in the reddit compulsions, thats amazing! Hope youre doing better now ❤️

@Winter I am not perfect but I have come very far since I read the doc about 1,5 years ago. Back then I felt exactly like you do now. Just remember that even though this anxiety is horrible that you are strong enough to tolerate it without doing anything to make it go away. It will pass on its own. You don't need to figure this out now or ever. Ocd makes you think you have to be sure in order to get rid of fear, but that's not true, it will only keep you stuck. I understand it is hard to resist the compulsion to go on reddit or similar forums. That's why I blocked it, so when i am in the heat of the moment it's interrupting the response to the urge and reminding me that I have to take a different direction:)

@Shoeshifter Youre right, its nice to hear from someone who is doing now honestly. Its definitely in the heat of the moment and you need to know and youll believe anything you come across. Thanks for your help, i really appreciate it :)

Thank you so much. I wasnt evwn doing an exposure but i know i should treat it as that. I just feel like im lying to myself and its so hard to accept that uncertainty of it being true. Thanks for replying, im glad im not the only one struggling with this. Hope you feel better soon though

@Winter Anytime something triggers me, especially when I’m out just living life like normal. I treat it as an exposure. Accept the uncertainty is the hardest thing to do. It’s NOT easy to do that and it takes time. I still have trouble doing that

@NoRuminations Thats a really good way to look at things, i will start trying to do that too. Thanks for replying, i really appreciate it ❤️