the way a year ago having babies was a dream for me and being a mom was this huge plan i had and i would watch mom videos on youtube and now i feel depressed about it and can’t even look at children without feeling guilt because of POCD intrusive thoughts. it makes me feel like a monster inside and it’s so far from who i am and what my intentions are. it makes me feel sick and gross and it’s like my brain does it on purpose, it sees me happy and instead of basking in the peace of it, it will push horrible gross disturbing graphic images in my head and i feel guilty so then my happiness disappears. i know i would never hurt a child, that’s not what i am worried about, it’s the intrusive thoughts i can’t stand. sitting with the anxiety is horrible because the thoughts just get more and more graphic and horrible so i react and i can’t control it. if i could i would erase my brain and restart. it attacked my biggest fear and made me feel like i WAS what i fear and now i can’t live normally. i can’t be around children because then my POCD will be triggered and i will have intrusive thoughts that self sabotage and make me feel guilty and anxious and i hate it so much. it’s HELL ON EARTH. it’s so painful to want to be something so bad (a mom) but you’re own brain is against you and fights you and says you’re evil. it’s even worse when graphic disgusting thoughts follow up with it and you’re stuck in a mental battle for days and days. women my age are dating and planning their lives and i am here scared of my own brain. it’s so sad and i don’t want to pity myself because i feel unworthy, but it’s like i don’t know if i could live like this. how do people wake up everyday with POCD and get better and stay positive. i try SO hard, like i even tell myself when i have an intrusive thought “ok don’t react” because i know it’ll make the thought louder, but it’s so difficult because the thoughts are so disturbing that i want to fight them. the guilt is IMMENSELY PAINFUL too like i feel like i am unworthy of being a human because of my POCD and i will never be a “good person” truly and that terrifies me. the last thing i would ever want is to have these thoughts, i rather anything else, but that’s why they come i guess, my brain knows i’ll react to them and it’s truly the worst because it’s a mental prison. all i want is a break from this horrible disorder and take a breath and feel normal again. my heart goes out to anyone with horrible intrusive thoughts and POCD bc it’s such a SCARY theme to have and it’s something that traumatizes you. :(

POCD

elizabethcro...

Date posted: 4y

You are not alone in this, I am tight there with you! Just sharing what has helped me, you cannot stop the thoughts the more I tried the stronger they got you need to create a counter for it, which looks like you have but mine is not auditory it's in my mind (big red stop sign) followed by 3 cancels and also making my knee to keep me in the now.. if auditory works better for you keep it simple and be kind to yourself example "that sucks" "not today" and this one is tough but it keeps you real "maybe" "maybe not" that's it don't dwell on it.

hope

Date posted: 4y

thank you for that, it’s so scary dealing with this alone. i don’t want to seek for reassurance because i also know that’s a compulsion, but it gets so terrifying sometimes dealing with these intrusive thoughts alone and the guilt is so heavy. i will definitely take your advice, thank you! :)

elizabethcro...

Date posted: 4y

@hopeful You're most welcome! I know just how terrifying it can be but don't give yourself the option to give up. You can do this! Say it outloud if you must. Love and light

elizabethcro...

Date posted: 4y

Also mindful meditation with diaphragmatic breathing has helped me tons. I believe what you are experiencing is ruminating. You can look all this up on google and you will get a run down and steps on what and how to.

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

I can relate. I found a really good partner and this time last year we were cracking jokes about having a daughter - it was wonderful. Since this theme took plce it’s been really rough. There have been good and bad days. Wishing you wellness and recovery 💕

hope

Date posted: 4y

i am so sorry you’re going through something similar. it’s so scary, but thank you for your kind words, wishing you recovery and wellness as well. :)

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

Have you told your partner about your POCD?

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