Lately it feels like I find my partner off-putting?? I think it’s a mixture of my soocd/rocd and an overall disconnection due to long distance for 7 months now but I feel horrible. I was looking at pictures of my partner and I felt like he was ugly??? I usually see his pictures and think “Wow 🥰” but now it’s like when my rocd first kicked in and I’m worrying about silly things again and I’m having trouble picturing a future with him? I’ve just been going through the motions and I hate it because I want to get that spark back with him. I’m sure long distance is playing a HUGE factor but I also don’t know how much of it is rocd? I love him, I’ll always love him, I want to be with him. I still want a future with him. But right now thinking of him just...hurts. I’m just scared of losing him or losing my love for him. I’m scared that this means our connection isn’t real. I want to see him so badly and I’m so afraid of losing our connection but as I type this I feel normal and that makes me feel guilty. It’s just been so long since I’ve held him..so long since we’ve been in each other’s presence. It takes a toll on me, I miss the person I am when he’s around. I miss him. I miss his energy, I miss his smile, I miss his scent and his arms wrapped around me. I miss how comfortable and happy I was when he was around. I miss being able to see him every Monday and Friday without fail. I miss everything. I know love is a choice and so I’ll continue to power through even with this disconnection but I’m so afraid I’ll never get back to my lovey-dovey self with him

Relationship OCD

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

I have been feeling similarly. My ROCD only showed up since being in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend of several years. When I was at my worst I was having the same types of feelings and it got so overwhelming that it led to a lot of other doubts and questions about his character and our connection that I’d never had before and I ended up completely pushing him away out of fear of the things you’re mentioning. Through all of it, I just kept feeling like Uch I just need to SEE him!!! If I could see him, everything would make sense and settle but I also have that fear of “what if it doesn’t feel the same as it did?” Once I pushed him, I snapped back into reality and could finally acknowledge all of the reasons I’ve been so happy for so long with him. I started asking myself what actually changed. Did HE change? No. Did I change? Well.. inside my head, yes. But as a person in this world, not really. Did our situation change? Long distance did of course, but even the first few months of being long distance I felt GREAT about us. So I knew that this all came down to my OCD and my mind playing tricks on me. It’s been a journey with reinforcing that mindset every time I feel a trigger come up but at this point, I have no reason to believe that when I see him again, it won’t be just as good as (if not better than) before. Look at the evidence. And celebrate the fact that you’re building a relationship with yourself in understanding these things that will positively contribute to your relationship with him. It’ll all be okay in the end!♥️

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

Also, after reading your comment above, there were/are genuine issues or concerns that did come up about my relationship in all this. Some things he had done that hurt me, some ways I really failed to communicate that hurt him, and compounding that with my ROCD I couldn’t handle it anymore. It didn’t seem feasible to try to work through all of it if I was feeling so disconnected already. But since giving myself some space and time to process and move forward with myself, I am SO CONFIDENT about tackling those actual real-life concerns and we have had the most productive, communicative conversations we’ve EVER had since we both committed to making progress individually.

PinkLotus

Date posted: 4y

@Anonymous Ahhh thank you so much for this!!For me unfortunately I got rocd a good three months into our relationship. (we’ve been dating for 1.5 years) Since he is my first Healthy relationship, I think I just kind of expected myself to feel happy at all times and if I didn’t feel like a throw up of glitter around him then it must mean I’m not really in love. I was just scared because to him showing affection came so naturally but with me I just didn’t know how. I didn’t notice the things he did and it made me worry I was using him. Thankfully I was able to get past this and I realized that I’ve always been a very cold person due to my trauma. Learning to properly love and care for him was a process (including sexual intimacy) , but one I so gladly did and since I’ve met him I’ve always tried to be the best person I can be. Unfortunately, my sexual orientation ocd has come back to attack my intimacy and affection issues to say I must just be forcing it since it didn’t come naturally right away. I completely understand that feeling of needing to see him, it’s like ugh I know I’ll be so happy when I see him but in the meantime it’s so much fear and doubt. He hasn’t changed. I’ve changed a lot mentally since I learned about my ocd in order to better handle it , but truthfully I still hold the same values and morals and still have the same goals for myself. I think part of the disconnection is the fact that I feel disconnected from myself. It’s like I’m buried under all my thoughts and worries lately. Our situation has definitely changed, but we’re still dedicated to being together. The first few months of long distance for me was pure letters (he joined the military) but I did feel amazing. I had hopes and dreams for our future and they felt so realistic and the first time I heard his voice again it was like magic. After reading this, I do believe the disconnection is mostly my disconnection from myself and the fear of losing him. We did almost break up about a month ago and it terrified me. It was so so painful to think of losing him that I shut down my hopes and dreams to avoid getting hurt. Our communication has improved SO much since then and we’ve been able to really talk out past issues and current ones but I won’t lie to you... I’m terrified we’re going to reach a breaking point and that I won’t see him again. It’s holding me back and maybe I should talk to him about it. Don’t worry about responding to all this I was just declutterung my thoughts but THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!💖💖💖This really gave me a little more clarity and I realize I need to get back on that love wagon even with the fears and doubts that I’ll suddenly fall for a woman lol or the other relationship fears. I love him more than anything and I can’t imagine anyone else at my side in life. Thank you so much!!!💗💗

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

@PinkLotus Ahhhh “part of the disconnection is the fact that I feel disconnected from myself”!!!!!!! Truer words have never been spoken!!! And that is a HUGE realization that was so helpful for me! I was attaching all of these anxieties and doubts and fears to him when it was really myself. Sure, there were things he negatively contributed to because we truly didn’t know any better at the time but that still does not make him the origin of the problem. Which helps break the cycle for me about fear of reconnecting. I have learned so much about myself and that has helped us so much. This stuff is so challenging already and your specific circumstances of distance have only made that harder but you are so strong! Fear of a breaking point isn’t an actual breaking point yet! Remember that! It sounds like you’re both putting in the effort to make things better so that is your current evidence! I also had a phase of obsessing over my sexuality in a way that sounds similar to yours, but again, when I removed the pressure and fears and doubts (which for me unfortunately was breaking up with the person I knew I wanted to be with!), those doubts were GONE! I was like wow. I was letting irrational fears make their own realities. I gave them a space to actually exist and they wouldn’t have otherwise. It’s so so helpful to hear your thoughts and experiences. Makes me feel less alone in all of these struggles. You know you love him and that can carry you through. Let that lead! You’re amazing!♥️♥️♥️

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