I find myself so overwhelmed right now. I feel like I’m starting to like these thoughts, and like I’m starting to become what I feared. At this point I feel like I like these thoughts and I’m just resisting to act on them. I feel so confused and trapped. I feel like this is my fate and I won’t be fine until I act on these thoughts. Now I really feel like I could act on these thoughts and I’m so freaking uncomfortable. I don’t know what to do, I really feel like someone who would like doing these things but I’m just not accepting it. I don’t know how to escape this. I feel it getting closer every second. Help.

This is incredibly common. I have had a few subtypes wherein this happened to me. It feels like it’s getting closer every second because that is the anxiety. You should look into Dr. Michael Greenberg and the OCD stories podcast he did!

Hey!!! I have Harm OCD too. Today is a particular trying day for me and it started out great! I don't feel very well, and my body feels anxious. Well because my body feels funny, I automatically associated it with my intrusive thought history and BOOM insert intrusive thought about killing my family. Lol. It's SO STUPID. I will tell you I've completed my NOCD therapy and am soooo much better. I've been battling this for 9 years now and I'm leaps and bounds from where I was. The less you let it bother you, the less it rears it head. I wish I could say there will be a day where you don't have intrusive thoughts - I haven't gotten there yet but I can tell you for the most part when they happen it doesn't typically bother me. Why? 1) Thoughts are just thoughts. They are not actions. Think about an author who writes a book about with the theme of being like a graphic murder novel, or even those who write slasher films. Their thoughts are consumed with these terrible things but they are no closer to actually acting on those thoughts than you or I. 2) We basically have 2 brains. Our outer brain: We cannot control what happens here. Anything can affect what is thought up in our outer brain. (TV, radio, people etc) and our Inner brain. The inner brain is where our belief system is held. It is where we store our morals and what makes us who we are. We control that aspect of us. OCD will whisper, "Yeah, but" or "What if" which is complete bullcrap and it's doubt. Chances are since you struggle with harm ocd, you are a very kind and loving person. I understand what you mean about freaking out and worried you'll act on it. Today for instance, I hate feeling anxious so much I thought, "Well what if I act on it so I don't have to feel anxious???" Then insert even more anxiety etc. As much as this sucks, you have to sit with anxiety. Just because you feel anxious doesn't mean something is going to happen. The more you sit and make yourself uncomfortable, the more you desensitize yourself to the thought. Now, I know what you're thinking - well if I'm desensitized to the thought, I might act on it because I'm not afraid of it and if I'm not afraid of it that means I like it and omg I'm a monster! (Close, right) That is OCD. That is NOT you. Please remember that. Lastly. I don't know where you are on your walk with Christ. Whether you're a believer or not - but the Bible talks about fear and anxiety in great detail. My FAVORITE go to is this: For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind/self control. So that means that God didn't create you to be afraid. Thats the enemy. God created you to be powerful, to love and also equipped you with a sound mind and self control. So OCD? It can suck it, because you weren't created with this, it's just an attack from the enemy. And if you weren't created with this - that means you don't have to live with this. There is hope, you're not alone and you willllll beat this. I promise. Hugs from Ohio.