I find myself so overwhelmed right now. I feel like I’m starting to like these thoughts, and like I’m starting to become what I feared. At this point I feel like I like these thoughts and I’m just resisting to act on them. I feel so confused and trapped. I feel like this is my fate and I won’t be fine until I act on these thoughts. Now I really feel like I could act on these thoughts and I’m so freaking uncomfortable. I don’t know what to do, I really feel like someone who would like doing these things but I’m just not accepting it. I don’t know how to escape this. I feel it getting closer every second. Help.

Harm OCD

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

This is incredibly common. I have had a few subtypes wherein this happened to me. It feels like it’s getting closer every second because that is the anxiety. You should look into Dr. Michael Greenberg and the OCD stories podcast he did!

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

Im sorry that you had to go through this because it feels like hell, but it makes kind of relieved I’m not alone. Tysm for sharing!! Where can I find those podcasts?

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

@Anonymous They can be found right on YouTube, just look up OCD stories :)

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

@Anonymous Thx !!

kmecroz

Date posted: 4y

Hey!!! I have Harm OCD too. Today is a particular trying day for me and it started out great! I don't feel very well, and my body feels anxious. Well because my body feels funny, I automatically associated it with my intrusive thought history and BOOM insert intrusive thought about killing my family. Lol. It's SO STUPID. I will tell you I've completed my NOCD therapy and am soooo much better. I've been battling this for 9 years now and I'm leaps and bounds from where I was. The less you let it bother you, the less it rears it head. I wish I could say there will be a day where you don't have intrusive thoughts - I haven't gotten there yet but I can tell you for the most part when they happen it doesn't typically bother me. Why? 1) Thoughts are just thoughts. They are not actions. Think about an author who writes a book about with the theme of being like a graphic murder novel, or even those who write slasher films. Their thoughts are consumed with these terrible things but they are no closer to actually acting on those thoughts than you or I. 2) We basically have 2 brains. Our outer brain: We cannot control what happens here. Anything can affect what is thought up in our outer brain. (TV, radio, people etc) and our Inner brain. The inner brain is where our belief system is held. It is where we store our morals and what makes us who we are. We control that aspect of us. OCD will whisper, "Yeah, but" or "What if" which is complete bullcrap and it's doubt. Chances are since you struggle with harm ocd, you are a very kind and loving person. I understand what you mean about freaking out and worried you'll act on it. Today for instance, I hate feeling anxious so much I thought, "Well what if I act on it so I don't have to feel anxious???" Then insert even more anxiety etc. As much as this sucks, you have to sit with anxiety. Just because you feel anxious doesn't mean something is going to happen. The more you sit and make yourself uncomfortable, the more you desensitize yourself to the thought. Now, I know what you're thinking - well if I'm desensitized to the thought, I might act on it because I'm not afraid of it and if I'm not afraid of it that means I like it and omg I'm a monster! (Close, right) That is OCD. That is NOT you. Please remember that. Lastly. I don't know where you are on your walk with Christ. Whether you're a believer or not - but the Bible talks about fear and anxiety in great detail. My FAVORITE go to is this: For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind/self control. So that means that God didn't create you to be afraid. Thats the enemy. God created you to be powerful, to love and also equipped you with a sound mind and self control. So OCD? It can suck it, because you weren't created with this, it's just an attack from the enemy. And if you weren't created with this - that means you don't have to live with this. There is hope, you're not alone and you willllll beat this. I promise. Hugs from Ohio.

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

Wow thank you so so much for your words!!! I am so sorry you have these awful thoughts too. If it’s okay, I would like to ask if you’ve ever felt the way I described in my post?😟 because i fear that must not be normal for Harm OCD, because I haven’t been diagnosed yet. But I really appreciate all the things you shared with me!! I am so happy you recovered, and you will get even further from that! You’re really sweet! OCD is a monster but we can beat it for sure!! Hugs from Chile :)

sofiaraaah7

Date posted: 25w

It must be real now

I’m struggling badly. I did something about a month ago which I now realize was probably testing, but what scares me is I feel like I liked it, which is horrifying. What’s even worse though, is after I did it, I was able to brush it off quickly and not be too bothered by it, as I was still very anxious on other thoughts I was experiencing. Now those thoughts are meaningless and THIS is what’s causing tremendous anxiety, but the fact that I didn’t feel anxiety about it after I did it seals the deal for me. I mean, did feel anxious and guilty after I did it, but I was able to dismiss it somewhat quickly, and I remember that memory came up a couple of times within the month after I did it but like I said, it hasn’t too hard to dismiss it. I really feel like it’s denial. The fact that I wasn’t that anxious about it and tried to justify it/dismiss it HAS to mean it’s been denial all this time, there just no way this is OCD :( Right now I’m anxious about the fact that I might’ve liked it AND the fact that I wasn’t anxious about it for a while. It is really just a torment to ruminate on, and I would never do that thing again, but the fact that I did it and felt like I liked it is beyond terrifying. I feel like I have proof now, I’m trying to figure out why I did it and what it meant, and why I wasn’t super anxious the following weeks after, I mean it WAS uncomfortable to think back on, but I feel like the fact I wasn’t super anxious about it means I was in denial or repressing my true self. I am so so scared. I’ve been worried about this for the past week and a half :( (This is all centered on the same theme btw.)

"Pure" OCD

Holl1

Date posted: 25w

OCD

I’ve tried living in the uncertainty today & kept myself busy but I can’t shake this feeling that I’m about to lose control & act on my thoughts. I keep feeling like I need to check in to see how I feel & keep my self safe & when I’m near my trigger it feels like I’m being pulled into doing it & feels like I want to but I’m not using compulsions. My thoughts feel like my own & feeling like I’ll be like this forever. Can someone relate or give advice 😩

Harm OCD

evasprog

Date posted: 10w

I feel like it’s getting worse

I feel like the thoughts and feelings are getting stronger, to the point where they feel like they are my own and that I want them and want them to happen. Recently I’ve even had feelings of ‘wanting to be gay’ and that I ‘don’t want to be straight’, or that being with a woman would be nice even though that’s literally the one thing I don’t want otherwise I wouldn’t be constantly thinking about it day after day surely and if I wanted it I would just know? I feel numb and sick and terrified that I’ll just be what I’ve feared all this time. Why does my brain do this. I feel like I’ve lost so much already, I couldn’t concentrate on university work and I’ve had to delay my degree for a year, I’ve lost my purpose, and I feel so ashamed that I can’t tell anyone the real reason for it (I just told everyone the course was too much stress and was causing me anxiety) and it just feels like it’s getting worse to the point that it’s actually coming true, and I’m going to have to leave my boyfriend because I can’t be with him anymore. Why do the thoughts sometimes feel good? Why does it feel like real attraction? Why why why does it feel like DISAPPOINTMENT with the idea of never being with a woman wtf this is literally what I don’t want and never have? Even just writing that out my brain is telling me ‘it is’ and ‘I’m lying’ and I just can’t even believe myself anymore. I’ve tried telling myself the whole maybe maybe not but it just doesn’t work. It feels like if I accept I like woman I’ll want to be with one and leave him. Why does the idea of being with a man not fill me with excitement like it used to why do labels terrify me I genuinely just want to give up I still haven’t even told anyone about this cause I just feel like they won’t understand and that they will just think I’m struggling with my sexuality and the worst thing is I don’t even know what I want anymore cause of the thoughts and feelings I don’t know what to believe what if I am actually just struggling with my sexuality cause nothing feels right anymore

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