I’m scared that I might have a crush on my lecturer. I just looked through all of her photos to check to see :( I’m so upset with myself because it was such an obvious compulsion. She’s gay and is very masculine presenting, she’s very welcoming and so I felt comfortable asking her for help with work, but now I’m worrying that this was just me fancying her. I’m so tired :(

Thank you for your help! I’ve been doing erp for a while now, I’m in a much better place than I was but I’m still struggling unfortunately, doesn’t help that my last session with my therapist is next week :( And yeah I feel like I can’t look/ be around any woman without getting the “do I fancy them” thoughts, it’s so exhausting, especially when I’m around my friends. I think the reason why I’m still struggling even tho I’m doing erp is I’m still doing checking compulsions, I just can’t help it I don’t know how to stop. I’m just scared that all this erp will make my soocd thoughts come true :(

@MelodyMoo Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. I think the recovery time-frame is so different for everyone, sometimes it’s a week, sometimes it’s months. There’s no one size fits all with ERP, and I think that’s a huge misconception within the OCD community! I’ve seen endless posts where people are begging people who finished recovery to tell them ‘how long’ it took, just so they can compare and ‘make sure’ their obsessions aren’t true. It’s sad. And it’s so easy to let the checking compulsion slip passed!! I definitely still do. I think it’s because the reassurance can be so instantaneous, or it can feel EXTREMELY confirmational (groinals etc...) and it satisfies the OCD brains’ need for certainty - whether it’s accurate or not. That was kinda longwhinded, but I wish when I was in a worse position someone would’ve explained to me from their perspective what was going on. I’m wishing you the best!!! There’s always gonna be hope, no matter how long it takes.

@Lou Lou Wow thank you that was so helpful and so articulate!! Yeah I think we all find it hard to accept that recovery time will be different for everyone and there no shame with how long or how little time it takes! And yeah I think it all comes back to reassurance for me too! And ughhh groinals are a pain, luckily I don’t get them too much anymore but they feel so real, like you said. I’m kind of freaking out right now over something very stupid haha. A girl on my degree course asked everyone to write down a unique animal for her to draw, and the tutor who I mentioned in this post (the one that triggers me) also said the same animal as me (baring in mind I picked a very obscure one), now of course I’m thinking that our brains must work the same way as we have a lot of common interests, so this must mean I’m gay/bi and just in denial. I know how stupid this all sounds haha, I don’t get why I’m worrying so much about it!

@MelodyMoo I completely get where you’re coming from, so you do not sound stupid - OCD always makes illogical links, and I’m sure if I wrack my memory enough, I would find things even more outlandish that I’ve thought of! Trust me! Of course, I could sit and write all the ways that that doesn’t make sense, but that won’t help you! OCD is permanently trying to find holes in your reality, and in our case, our identity. And because of that, it will make links that (from an outsiders perspective) seem reallllly far-fetched. I think this whole tutor situation is a very sensitive topic at the minute, and there’s probably a lot of rumination. Your OCD wants justification for the obsessions! And plus, if you have this theme, the fact that this tutor is overtly gay, which is great - go her - but with this theme, it triggers the obsession, hence why we’re here!!

@Lou Lou Yup yup yup everything you said is exactly right haha, you’re like an ocd pro honestly ahah!! It’s honestly so lovely to speak to someone who understands so well! So thank you so much for your help! And yeah i think my brain has latched onto this tutor thing recently, I’m sure in a few days it’ll be something else! It’s amazing she’s being exactly who she wants to be, but yeah because of this theme unfortunately that triggers me. I graduate in two days anyways hahah, so won’t have to worry about seeing her anytime soon lol

@MelodyMoo Haha, thank you. I think it’s because we’ve probably had very similar experiences, so it seems like I know a lot!! Oh congratulations, I’m a first year psych student, and I finish soon too, so I feel you on that one. And yeah, only two more days!!!

@Lou Lou Probably haha! I honestly wish I knew everyone I speak to on this app in real life, it’s amazing having people online to chat to, but none of my friends or family understand (or even know about mine) ocd. And ooo congrats on completing your first year that’s amazing!!

@MelodyMoo Me too :((, but, I know that pure O isn’t nearly as rare as it may feel. I had 3 friends seperately DM me telling me that they had seen me like an OCD post, and they were all relieved they weren’t the only one with it - and TRUST me, they were not the types I’d expect to be struggling with their mental health, super popular, seem like they’ve got their shit together. So, as alone as you may feel sometimes, remember that you’re brushing against people nearly everyday who have it too! Sending love!

@Lou Lou I’ve had a couple of people message me saying they struggle with it too! However their subtypes were the more well known ones :/ Hope you’re having a good day!

@MelodyMoo Yeah :( the people who messaged me had existential and the others had harm - both kinda unrecognised in the grand scheme of OCD. But hearing about people experience OCD in a very typical way can create that doubt of... ‘well, mine is nothing like that so do I even have OCD?’, and the cycle continues. I just reread my message, and I was not saying that ‘popular’ people aren’t mentally ill, I was just talking about how we can assume that people are ‘doing amazing’ from Instagram and stuff, when they’re not - lol.

@Ell On no don’t worry I understood what you meant haha! And yes that’s exactly it, a friend of mine has harm ocd and I know it’s horrible for her and I sympathise a lot, but I’ll admit I’m jealous of how open she can be about it without people assuming it’s not ocd :(

Thank you so much for the advice! It was really helpful, I know deep down I probably don’t have a crush on her it’s just bc she’s gay which unfortunately triggers my intrusive thoughts and because she’s quite masculine. I find it so hard accepting uncertainty, it’s like I can tell myself to accept it but I don’t actually believe it haha