Hi there. A big trigger warning. I can't understand anything. I'm so confused about my sexuality that it makes me doubt my whole life and who i am. I can't understand anything because I keep asking myself the same questions about the groinal responses. What if I can't get aroused by trigger because I feel anxious and extremely stressed? And groinal response is a manifestation of it all? Is my anxiety caused by groinal response or my groinal response triggers the anxiety? The problem with that I was so fed up with all of it that i decided to act on it hoping if i got used to my triggers I would be able to see what was really going on with me. So I acted. I was alone and made myself watch adult videos basically, (i don't know what language is allowed here so I'll be extra careful), i didn't try anything with anyone and i don't feel like i even can. So I relaxed and tried to calm down, I felt fueld up by allowing the situation to happen in mixture with strong storm of anxiety, I couldn't get physically aroused so i helped myself. It felt great in the beginning (in mix of some panic on the background) but at the very end it felt almost painful, it felt physically horrible not because of the idea of what I'm doing though, my body did it on its own. I even got so surprised by that it scared me. After I felt super nauseous. I gave it another try in an hour and at the very end it felt even more physically horrible and near to painful. I can't get I feel that way because I'm stressed or because it's just unnatural to me what i do and I'm not attracted. The problem with my feelings and sensations they are so controversial that i don't understand anything. I thought it would give some clarity but it sends me back to the square one over and over again. It happened before twice with the same results. I really don't even mind anymore being anything, bi, gay, straight, pansexual, asexual but it all is stuck at the same kind of uncertainty as before and didn't move an inch. The only thing is that women haven't been triggering me any longer but Female-to-Male guys again have and I'm sure they will switch places again quite soon. I just wanted to break the cycle. I'm traumatizing myself more and more and i have no idea what to do, if I do anything about it it gets worse if I don't do anything it gets worse. I don't see a way out. I can't afford a therapist at all, i can't even afford food sometimes, even if i could I'm neither from the states nor the UK and can't get help here. I'm so exhausted.