I crossed the line. I just want to die now. I never wanted this. I hate myself so much. I just wanted to be a good person. I can't anymore the guilt is horrible, and I don't deserve to live.

But I am sure I imagined a scene on purpose, and don't know what to do know. I just can't Anymore. I am so afraid. I don't want to be here anymore

@May65 i’ve definitely felt how you feel. i have so so so maybe scenes and most of the time they just happen and i feel like i thought it on purpose. remember whether it feels “on purpose” or not, it’s still an intrusive thought because look how it’s making you feel. you don’t want it. it’s unwanted. you’re not evil, you’re not a monster. you hated the thought, a real monster would like it and not feel any guilt. <3 please be gentle with yourself and remember ocd wants to make you feel like this.

@hope *many

@hope But I remember specifically thinking on putting sound into it. It doesn't feel like an false memory. It feels real. I am so sorry for bothering you now but I am on despair.

@May65 you’re not bothering me at all! i know this feeling very well, the feeling of dread and guilt and doom like “i am not myself anymore” “i’ll never get my life back” it’s the same cycle of ocd making you feel evil inside. our brains are always ruminating and having intrusive/ unwanted thoughts so this was bound to happen, you had a thought and whether you thought it on purpose to “check” or you were too tired to fight it off or whatever happened, you’re still in distress. bottom line, you don’t want this thought, whether you thought it on purpose or not. you’re stressed about it and know for a fact you hated it, that tells me you’re not evil. that tells me you’re just a person with ocd.

@hope also please remember usually when someone with pocd gets reassurance or any ocd theme, it’s never enough to satisfy because we just want logic and a reason why we have these unwanted horrible thoughts and feelings, but sadly that’s why it’s called ocd and why we obsess over it because we’ll never get a set answer. just keep reminding yourself you’re not your thoughts and stay strong for yourself.

@hope Wow this was so beautifully said. I can agree with hope too that I sometimes feel the same that I’ll never be the same, and I feel evil sometimes but I know it’s not the real me I know it’s just the intrusive thoughts. Don’t forget that. I have a problem with checking sometimes too Bc I’m very aware of myself sexually, and it’s normal to feel sexual sensations when you get a sexual intrusive thought because your body isn’t reacting on that thought specifically it’s reacting to sexuality. It’s normal, even if the thought Isnt “normal.” But just remember like hope said. You don’t WANT it, it makes you feel terrible. That is something for you to remember that you don’t want any of it and it makes you feel terrible. You get no pleasure from it. So it is your OCD trying to attack you, remember that and stay strong.

please if you need, get the help. you deserve peace. i promise you’re not evil. <3 you got this!

@hope Thank you