I used to think like aw how sweet this girl thinks I’m cool enough to hug when receiving affection from female friends it was like “Yay I’m one of the girls” but now it just makes me insanely uncomfortable. Today I was taking pictures at my banquet and my friend cupped my face in her hands and did a kissy face for the picture and I felt like running away. Before it wouldn’t have bothered and I would’ve gone along with the picture but ugh no, not today. I guess the new “cycle” of this stupid theme is whether or not me liking affection means I like my friends. 🙄

I literally have no reason to think this! I’ve never been attracted or had a crush on a girl! I don’t know why I keep worrying. All of the sudden I feel like my feelings for all my past crushes weren’t real. This sucks. I don’t know anything about myself anymore. It keeps trying to push this idea on my head. Like there is no reason for me to think that i am gay! The most possible “reason” would be finding women attractive, that’s it! But now I try to imagine my life partner and when I think of a guy a picture of a women quickly comes up. Sometimes I just wanna scream “I am gay” for no reason. Or when someone is talking about relationships I always think “I am different”. Or when someone talks about acceptance it really bothers me too. This is so bad, what am I even basing this idea on? Now, I it’s hard imagining a guy that I like, it’s weird. I feel like I am never going to like anyone again. Ugh this is draining me

I can’t anymore. I really can’t. The what if I am attracted to them. The “why does it have to be a man with a woman” (which by the way- I only now get when women are talking in love songs. And whenever I look at any couple). I am just tired. Tired of feelings like crap. I just want to go to what I was before, but was I like this before? Have I always been like this? I am tired. My anxiety levels are ALWAYS the worse at the morning. I am starting to obsess whether I like this friend now! And it doesn’t matter how much I try to accept it, it doesn’t go away. Like there is still something wrong. I hate this. I hate this so fucking much. At this point. How can I still be straight? I literally get triggered by everything. And how can I just not be gay? I have no reason to think that but it feels so real. It’s like I have no sexuality at all. And this is all that I can think about every single hour of my day. I am even thinking about this in dreams! I even wonder that the fact I am so upset right now is because I am scared of telling people and that they won’t accept me. When I don’t even know who I am myself. I am so done. What even is this? Have I always been like this? I am getting flashbacks and it’s telling me I have.

Geez, I seem to just be getting worse. I keep thinking what if I’ve been lesbian all my life but never payed attention to it. I mean it feels right to be with a man and have a boyfriend I want that. But why do I keep doubting it I just want this to end. I’ve never been a girly girly. I like cute clothes but I hate how it looks on me I feel so insecure. Same with make up. And I keep thinking maybe that’s evidence I could be lesbian. This all sounds ridiculous but why can’t I just accept the fact that I’m straight. I actually like being with boys and kissing them. I get aroused when I kiss them. So why is this happening?