I used to think like aw how sweet this girl thinks I’m cool enough to hug when receiving affection from female friends it was like “Yay I’m one of the girls” but now it just makes me insanely uncomfortable. Today I was taking pictures at my banquet and my friend cupped my face in her hands and did a kissy face for the picture and I felt like running away. Before it wouldn’t have bothered and I would’ve gone along with the picture but ugh no, not today. I guess the new “cycle” of this stupid theme is whether or not me liking affection means I like my friends. 🙄

I won’t explain this again if you’ve been or going through it you know what I’m talking about. I felt good about women about an hour ago and now I’m worrying again I’m anxious and the groinals are back and it’s so annoying because I can’t study. And honestly I’m so sick and tired of this. I’ve been a girl crazy my whole life and my mind randomly decides “well what if you are gay” like bro. I’ve never seen a guy that way and in general IT WAS NEVER SOMETHING I THOUGHT ABOUT OR ASSOCIATED MYSELF WITH. IVE NEVER FELT ANYTHING TOWARDS A MAN AND NOW IT FEELS LIKE IT RANDOMLY FLIPPED. I CANT DO THIS BRO. WHY WOULD THIS HAPPEN IVE BEEN GOING THROUGH INSECURITIES ALREADY AND MY ATTRACTION WAS THE ONLY REAL THING I HAD LEFT AND NOW THIS. HOW MUCH DO YOU HATE ME GOD.

seriously someone pls give me advice 😭 I think last week I posted about how I have a crush on my friend and how my brain was making me question everything (mostly my sexuality). Well now I know he has a crush on me too and I’m already worrying about not liking him anymore, even though I was thinking about him all day before he confessed to me. I went to look at pictures to make sure I still think he’s attractive and I didn’t feel the same. Now I’m worrying about if I’ll no longer feel attracted to him when we hangout in person. Why can’t I at least have a simple crush? Why must I question everything??? WHY CANT MY BRAIN JUST FUNCTION NORMALLY THIS IS DRIVING ME INSANE!!?? If you have any tips on how to deal with this please let me know 😭.

I sometimes get in my head that my bf is limiting me? When he never has and I highly doubt he ever will. He wants me to go to school. He wants to be there for that. He wants me to dress confidently (but modestly around his parents, that’s more a me thing cuz I really want them to warm up to me). For some reason today it’s specifically about dyeing my hair?? Like a crazy colour or smthn (which I haven’t done since I was like. 10). “He doesn’t like crazy colours in hair HED hate it” ok? I also wouldn’t really like it at this point in time cuz I go with a nice copper colour that I love. And I’ve done that for the last couple years. Like yeah funky hair colours are fun but I don’t think I actually want them? How do I know if I actually do want them? I just like having highlights cuz I feel like I look a lot prettier when they’re done. I think the craziest I’d go now is like a deeper red than my copper like my friends lol. Idk I got super in my head cuz I saw a girl with her bf and she had pink streaks which looked really cool. It’s not that he wouldn’t let me it’s just he’s not a fan(he’s Muslim so, makes sense tbh. His mom does want him to dye his hair cuz he’s graying lol), and I grew out of it. It was fun when I was 10. Honestly if I wanted to have colourful hair again I’d get those chalk ones or that hairspray at Halloween stores lol. I don’t want anything permanent. I like the predictable nature of how my hair fades Yeah weird thing to obsess over. My bf has never been controlling of my looks and I’ve had no desire to really do anything out of the ordinary. It did make me anxious when he said it initially like a year ago but I haven’t really cared about it. Now I’m worried I’m ignoring some gut instinct lol. But I don’t think I have. I feel like me. I feel safe and happy. He loves how I dress. He loves the highlights (I’m pretty sure). Idk I’ve never had an urge lately to try to dye my hair a crazy colour. Like “ooo pink streaks. Im doing it” I like it but idk. It’s not my style. It hasn’t excited me in years. Idk if it’s cuz I’m depressed that I’m like meh(my depression scores haven’t been super high so I’ve been doing really well, even without meds) or if it’s just meh to me now. When I was a kid I had short hair lol now it’s down to the middle of my back. I’m still that weird kid who did dye her hair and loved sharks and dragons and would rather read than play at recess. The same girl who worked and worked to get to university and still loves theatre (yeah my bf got stuck with a theatre kid who can’t sing or dance, I’m a tech kid. It’s the first thing he told his sister lol). On the positive side, it’s our year and a half anniversary. We played roblox for a few hours cuz I’m 3 hours away rn. I also worry I’m not happy being a woman but I am. I’m not happy with how society treats women as a whole, but I wouldn’t change being a woman. I worry my smile isn’t genuine. I worry that the reason I feel so depleted is cuz I’m not who im supposed to be. But I have no desire, only stress thinking about being a man. I think the reason I’m so depleted is just general burnout from school (I’ve been in summer classes the last 4 months and planning how to run a club and looking for research opportunities. Yay pre med!) and also the state of the world. I don’t live in the USA but I feel unfathomable amounts of anger seeing what trump is doing. And seeing the atrocities in Gaza and Syria knowing my bf’s heritage lies in those places feels. Upsetting. I think I’m just generally tired of being a human, not being a woman. I love being a woman honestly. I’ve always been tomboyish so maybe that’s where the panic lies