I’m so scared that I do have ocd but I am also in denial. Like it’s so obvious now that I do all these compulsions and things, but I’m so scared that I’ll get better and find out that I am gay/ bi, and I was just in denial whilst also having ocd about it.

Thank you for the advice! What you said triggered me slightly (as you can imagine when I am worrying about the thing I posted about haha), so did you discover you did like girls after having this theme?

@MelodyMoo Hey I just want to remind you that even if someone with HOCD turned out to be what they feared, that does NOT mean that it will happen to you. Even though we can all relate to eachother, in the end every mental illness is unique to the person so try not to put too much thought in this, no matter how hard.

@ewaedb Very true! I’m trying not to think about it too much haha

@MelodyMoo Yeah the relationship is good and real. I still struggle with worry about it of course because it was such a huge fear for so long and I still have doubts sometimes. I did learn to accept that what I was feeling early on was partly the truth and I kinda just had to accept it. I never really put a label on myself though because I’m not entirely sure due to lack of experience. I’m so sorry I triggered you I totally feel like sometimes reading things make my stomach drop!! Like that other person said it certainty doesn’t mean this is what is happening to you. With my experience, it scares me when I have other ROCD because of the other worry ending up the way it did makes it harder to know if stuff is ocd or real 😖

@ewaedb Dumb question but what does HOCD stand for ??

@Ope Yeah!!

@mianicolee I'm really confused and I also just got super triggered haha. IIt's not your fault though, so make sure you know I'm not blaming you. But how exactly did you realise it wasn't HOCD anymore and what you actually wanted?

@Ope Yes same with the porn thing but after I broke up with my bf in high school I had a lot of thoughts and urges about girls. I did really enjoy sex with my bf but it was so new literally lasted only like 6 months. I also really enjoyed sex with my gf now. But haven’t been very physical in a long time because of my mood and anxiety so I would say you’re definitely struggling because of your anxiety getting in the way

@mianicolee I follow some really good ROCD and SOOCD pages on instagram that give me a lot of reassurance too !! They are so spot on

@Ope Hey, I know this wasnt a question directed to me, but I just wanted to say that soooo many straight people like watching the same sex in porn. Porn is just like that. And also many people just get turned on by nakedness, that's something that I have to some degree and I have it even though I'm not into girls. And also, sex is so hard to enjoy when you're constantly having intrusive thoughts. It's been happening to me lately where suddenly I think omg would I like this if this was a girl. It's just like that. You can't enjoy sex with intrusive thoughts constantly on repeat.

@mianicolee I didn’t really ever have a moment of clarity about my sexual orientation I just felt happy with her and just somehow let it ride but I definitely still don’t have a ton of clarity and answers which is hard

@Ope Yes I think so and for you definitely liking lesbian porn doesn’t mean anything at all about your relationship with your husband :)

@Ope Since we're all just being so open here I'll also say that a ton of straight women don't find the male genitals attractive at all. At least that's what I know from my friends. And if you think about it maybe you enjoy watching the woman more, because it's the position you would imagine yourself wanting to be in or because what is being done to her you would want done to you. I'm so sorry if that's going too far, but I just REALLY want to assure you that it is normal for straight people to be like you. A lot of straight men like porn with big male genitals and no one really questions that right?

@Ope Remember though nearly no ones sexual orientation changes during their lifetime. If I had to say I think no ones has. So it would be weird if suddenly now you realised without having any signs in the past before OCD hit.

@ewaedb i kinda have the same view as ope. being with a woman doesn’t sound like the most horrible thing in the world but it doesn’t feel like me. losing my partner is the scary thing for me and not wanting to be with the opposite sex feels much natural to me but with the same sex, it feels just like i’m forcing myself bc of the thoughts in my head. i used to watch a ton of lesbian porn bc it helped me be turned on a bit since i had a partner who didn’t really fulfill me but it’s also the taboo thing that gets to me :/ also sorry for the rambling

@Ope Ok I'm glad! Yeah I get what you mean with you're bothered about not liking men. I have that thought a lot too as if I would just be giving up on men haha. But because I realise that the idea of not liking men bothers me, it kind of reinforces that i obviously do like them. I don't personally struggle with thinking I'm lesbian, I struggle with thinking I'm bi as I know for sure I'm into men. But sadly even that bothers me, it just feels so wrong. I just don't want it.

@Ope I’m with you. I’m SO with you in all of this. I actually downloaded a lesbian app because someone told me to just try it and see it I like it so I can be at peace because just like you I felt aroused by women. It was always small arousal and only with nudity or pornography but then once I started obsessing it became constant arousal towards every women. And constant urges. I had sex with my boyfriend and I loved it but I left him because of my thoughts and I thought I was a lesbian. He sadly became a trigger Bc being with him constantly triggered my mind.

@ewaedb And the thing is the idea of being with a woman and wanting it doesn't bother me either. Like if that's what I want GREAT. And even though i have bi HOCD, I still feel similar to your guys views about being with women. But it's just not at all what I want.

@Ope Honestly, I can almost guarantee you that it's the thoughts. I hope that's not reassurance. But based on personal experience, I've had sex 3 years without this OCD theme and always LOVED it. Like loved it. Then these intrusive thoughts came in during sex and I honestly fear it. It's just the thoughts.

@Ope I feel you!!!!

@Ope you know I guess romantically bothers me less too. But maybe that's because we already have formed emotional connections to friends taht were girls before and feel friendship love for them so it's not that farfetched that you feel like that because you already know how it is to feel for a girl if that makes sense. I guess sexually bothers us more because it really means you're into them not just as a friend and since that's not what we want its terrifying.

@Ope See and now I’m worried that I would enjoy sex better with a guy since I haven’t had libido with my gf in a long time :(

@mianicolee I'm sorry I'm asking again haha, but if you turned out bi, was that still HOCD or denial? I'm soooo sorry if this question seems offensive it's just I don't fully understand that when someone has this OCD it turns into being true, because doesn't that mean that it never really was OCD?

@mianicolee Sometimes you lose libido when it's the same person for so long and nothing new and exciting is there though.

@ewaedb It was true but I still had ocd about it because I feared it so bad and dwelled it on a ton and tried so hard for it to not be true !

@ewaedb True and I don’t even need exciting I just want libido at least once in awhile but I also have been adjusting my meds so that could be affecting it

@mianicolee Ohhhh ok. Just one more question haha I'm SO sorry. But would you say you always knew you were bi and kind of just ignored it I guess? Because I often during HOCD realise I'm fully straight, but did you also have moments where you were sure you were straight?

@mianicolee Meds definitely affect libido !!

@Ope Do NOT end your relationship right now. Seriously you might regret it for your whole lifem

@Ope I would try work on your HOCD more, buy books on it, get therapy, try practicing mindfulness. But completely honestly if its denial you will realise soon enough and only then can you really end a marriage. But I get the sex part, but it won't get better by breaking the relationship. Itll get better by communication between you two and working on yourself.

@Ope And seriously even if someone tells you to break up, don't listen. It's up to you and any external opinions can be a big part of you making the wrong choice.

@Ope Exactly!!!! The fact that you want it should motivate you. Focus on that. I once broke a relationship with someone because of what my past ROCD and it's still something I regret and it was two years ago. Only after i realised it was my OCD and it ruined me. So please give yourself some time, your OCD is also probably worse because of lockdown so long. Mine definitely is.

@Ope Yeah mine is also so bad right now. Have you tried watching youtube videos on HOCD. Some have helped me loads. Look at the one my the average guy it's honestly so relatable and will motivate you to carry on.

@Ope Remember you're not alone. We're all in this together and I can honestly say I believe I'll get better and I believe you'll get better and will have the relationship you want with your husband.

@MelodyMoo Sorry for unloading on you guys, this kinda was my biggest fear which was why I made the post the other day :(

@MelodyMoo i feel the same way

@nikkii I just get scared it means i need to accept the possibility of it, I really don’t want to

@MelodyMoo love will find you as cheesy as it sounds. it’s your timeline not anybody else’s.

@nikkii I hope so, I’m yet to see it so far hahah

@MelodyMoo Sorry I deleted my post on this thread. I started to worry that you all would read it and think I’m gay/ bi. Ughh I just want a break from all of this :(

@MelodyMoo I think the last thing you ever need to worry about is one of us thinking you're gay or bi. We all see ourselves in eachother since we're going through something so similar and all we are here to do is support eachother not judge. I can guarantee you, I've felt the same on some posts especially when no one replies, but I myself have never thought someone on this theme is actually what they fear.

@ewaedb Yeah I haven’t thought anyone on here was something they feared either, good point haha! I guess it’s ocd trying to get in my head again haha. Thank you for your help :)