My life was so different before this theme hit. My boyfriend had just left for boot camp and so I was working on myself and trying to grow and I was making so much progress. I was working on opening up about my feelings, learning how to trust others and really learning so much about my emotions. I was learning how to cook, trying out different hobbies, roller blading, playing video games and for a small glimpse second it felt like I could finally see a future for myself. The future I wanted. I could see myself going to college, becoming a teacher, traveling, and if I was lucky enough I’d have my partner by my side. The reason this all started was because in December I was trying to work out why my intimacy with my partner wasn’t as good as it should be and why I felt disconnected at times. I thought I wasn’t attracted to him or that I was forcing it but in reality I have low self esteem, a fear of abandonment and other fears and worries around sex. So the thought popped in of “Am I not enjoying it very much because I’m gay?”. I dismissed it but then a few days later I thought a new friend of mine was very pretty and again, “Does this mean I like her?” After two weeks of ruminating I dismissed it until my friend came out as bi and after that it never went away. Since then everything has become a blurry mess and that small glimpse of hope I had for my future is gone. I just don’t know anymore and it breaks my heart. I’ve never been one to give my life over to a man but I did always imagine I’d have a great guy by my side. Now it’s all on pause and it really hurts, I feel distant from my now partner, distant from my goals and future, distant from friends and family. It really feels like I want to be with a woman and the idea of that just puts everything on hold. How could I possibly be happy with anything I used to want for myself if I have to be with a woman? There’s so much I haven’t done with a man that I want to do , so much to explore but it feels fake now. I wish I could get back into the same groove as before and try to work on myself, but my heart just isn’t in it. It feels like everything I believed in was just a lie to cover up my “true” self. :/

Im so sorry you have to go through this. Whenever you're ruminating and you believe you're probably gay and in denial just take into account that you have OCD and that skews your perception of everything. I hope you will get better one day, truly 💗

Its really hard my ocd really started hitting after a i had a panic attack 3 years ago after i saw a group of nude male cyclists, had a gronial response and remembered some things that happened to me as a little kid that now know was a child exploring. But before that i was with my ex girlfriend trying to figure out why im not romantic, why im an asshole, not so affectionate. And began working on myself learning that it was due to male toxicity i grew up absorbing and i wanted to start a small business and had dreams and aspirations and wanted to get better with her by my side. After that incident i forcefully checked if i was attracted to any guy until i began doing this nonstop. Then it latched on to a coworker of mine i realized i was checking if i was attracted to him but i wasnt. Then covid hit and i was stuck mentally checking for like a month until i was like ok i dont want to check anymore i know im not attracted im going to stop but i literally couldnt stop checking. This is when i realized i had an issue. And after research i began to realize i could possibly have ocd - soocd. And after the covid lockdown i got formally diagnosed by 3 different therapists. Now my ocd latches on to anybody. I did recently an erp that mightve been to high up in the difficulty that i wasnt ready for where i had to say i like him yeah so what! Even tho i knew i dont and made me think i liked a guy because i thought about liking him and thought he was good looking and because i liked him as a person/friend. And i gave up and said i guess this is just what it is but i knew it wasnt. And as days passed i saw more clearly through what was actually going on. It was my ocd twisting things to fit its narrative. And no matter how much i tried to chase and feel that false feeling of liking him i just didn't and all i got was that hes a good looking guy with nice skin tone whom i like as a person/friend and nothing more and the though of feeling like liking him wasnt really really what i feel because thoughts are not feelings. But yeah that really scared me and took me a second for my anxiety to minimize to point where i could see clearly Sorry i went off and wrote too much but im here with you on this crazy hell ride.