Hello everyone! I have suffered from retroactive jealousy for about two years and it was only recently that I made a pretty big discovery. So his ex has always been kind of a figure in the background a lot in our relationship. He says he cut things cold turkey with her but it seems like if it had something to do with his past, it had something to do with her. This girl has always been seen in a very negative light in my eyes. So much so that I used to wonder what he even saw in her. She cheated on him for the last two years of their relationship. Called him mean names and boosts about on social media acts like she’s better off without him even though she went to his house and begged to get back with him, I mean this girl always seemed to me as a mess. My boyfriend got depressed and was medicated for a little, he plays it off with a laugh but it always bothered me how he never stood up for himself. Never admitted to himself the way that he did to me that he just wasn’t happy in that relationship and he was over it before it was ever officially over. I’m sure that he had some self esteem issues on his own and it always sounded like he was desperate to be with her and it sounded like as much as she wants to play this character she has pretty bad issues on her own. When I met him I could sense this heavy weight, now I’m not sure if he still loved her when I was introduced into his life but I could get a hint that he missed her, or at least he missed the relationship and was mourning. The truth is, I was caught in-between these two hurt people. I wanted to love him but the day that she approached me made me terrified that she really did “make the man I loved” and could easily take him away. And so this harsh light continued to shed on her and whenever I look at her social media I’m left with this heavy feeling in my chest. I’ve realized to simply accept that I don’t like her. I’ve realized through feeling bad about even thinking about her that she was indeed very disrespectful towards me and my boyfriend and had no right to have ever strike up a conversation about her entitlement towards him with me. It’s okay, she’ll be just fine if I don’t find her nice or even worth my time. She’ll continue to live life to her fullest, doing the things that she’s doing if I admit to myself that I don’t like her. And now knowing this, it shifted how I see my retroactive jealousy. Because I was so in denial about not liking her, I used to compare myself to her and think she was better than me and even thought that he couldn’t love me the way he did her- it made me want to be better than her one day then the next be all sad I wasn’t her. Now that I’ve said to myself, “listen, you don’t like her, how she treated you, how she spoke about him, or how she continues to think that you should be afraid of her”— it makes me realize that I want nothing to do with her or her social media. I cyberstalk her because I’m afraid that my boyfriend still wants something to do with her, but if I don’t like her now and keep feeding into it to more of a negative point of view— I’LL NEVER GET BETTER AND REGARDLESS OF WHAT HAPPENS FEED INTO A BAD HABBT EVEN IF THINGS DO/DONT WORK OUT. I think I needed to just accept that there are so people you can’t force yourself to like. I’ll never wish this girl anything bad but admitting that I’ll never be in a situation where I’m okay with her due to the fact that sometimes it’s just life and things happen and people are petty- made me realize that there’s no point in continuing to pretend like one day I’ll see a tweet that changed my mind. I don’t need to accept his past into my life nor into my own web of problems and I did that so early on just because I wanted to prove my worth to him and make him realize that I was the right decision but it led me to meeting a really rude person and continued to follow that rabbit hole just because I thought she had an advantage of me. In letting things go and saying, “I’m not sure what may happen between us but I refuse to sabotage myself into continuing this act of worthiness by putting myself in an uncomfortable position against someone who brings out negative feelings.” I can’t change the situation but it’s in my best interest to stop traumatizing myself again and again and feel bad that nothing has changed when I know the best thing to do is just let this pettiness and jealousy go. I’m not letting my guard down to her, I’m not claiming defeat. I’m asking for my peace and I’m telling myself the truth: stop chasing the same rabbits that got you lost.