I don't know who I am anymore. My life feels ruined

I just feel gay in denial and that I want to be with a man ... How do I know this hocd and I'm not really gay. I've had therapy I'm on medication. Feels like I like penis. But after thoughts I'm disgusted. I just don't know what to do ?

Any feedback on this would be great.... I'm so stuck

@Ihateocd83 You have to stop trying to figure it out. The more you try to figure it out the deeper and quicker you’ll fall down this ocd hole (think of it like quicksand). Try your best to accept the uncertainty, not ask for reassurance or check how you’re feeling and things, just kinda say whatever to the thoughts and they’ll start easing up I promise :) Basically don’t let them hold any importance to you! They’re just thoughts they don’t mean anything

@Melodyocd Thank you... I feel on verge of breaking down and coming out. But I valued women so much I don't want to stop loving them. Sometimes I can hardly feel a thing for women.

@Ihateocd83 I’m the same but with men, maybe for now try your best to focus on yourself and not relationships, get better first :)

@Melodyocd How do you tackle this ?

@Ihateocd83 Practicing erp everyday really helps, allows you to not get that sudden shock of anxiety when you get triggered. But most importantly not trying to figure it out, as we will never get an answer as ocd will make us question everything. The goal is to be happy and comfortable with uncertainty, so respond to the thoughts with “maybe it’s true, but also maybe it’s not, either way it’ll be alright”. It’s really hard at first (I still really struggle) but it’ll get easier with practice and time :)

Just practice whenever you can, doesn’t have to be everyday! You can recover at your own pace :) and I’ve had a girl tell me “you’d make a great lesbian before” really triggered me too, I just try to ignore it now. And what do you mean by subtypes?

I only really have HOCD too, I get relationship ocd a little bit but only really HOCD

I guess sexuality is a spectrum and no ones 100% anything, so many that guy identifies as gay but still liked girls a little bit? At the end of the day that is that guys experience and identity and not yours, you’re an individual with your own thoughts and feelings. I feel like I’ve had every classic HOCD thought under the sun honestly, I’ve been through therapy and do erp so sometimes the less triggering thoughts don’t bother me but sometimes I end up in pure panic and do loads of compulsions

@Melodyocd Maybe*

@Melodyocd I did you used to think I had hocd and had all the thoughts and symptoms now it's like I want to be with a man and sometimes the thoughts don't disgust me

@Ihateocd83 The thoughts won’t disgust you after having them for a long time because you will get used to having them, it’s called a back door spike

It not disgusting you doesn’t mean anything, it just means it didn’t disgust you. people don’t see same sex couples kissing and feel disgusted