Having a really tough today, my theme is starting to center around my old bestfriend as the most undeniable proof that I had a crush on a girl. My mind has gone from what if to you DID like her and here’s why. My mind has been finding a way to connect her to everything in my life and it feels like I truly did have a crush on her. This doesn’t feel like ocd anymore, I feel like if I choose to accept the uncertainty in this then I’m actually just further suppressing my denial because deep down I still don’t want to like girls. That could easily be internalized homophobia and it probably is but I’m just so tired of this battle. I’m tired of giving my life away to my thought, this doesn’t feel like me at all and yet it’s all I’ve been for the past 6 months so how could it be anything else but me. I don’t know how to fight anymore

Thank you so much for this 🤍I had no idea this was a common factor in all ocd themes. I’ve been trying to force and accept it for so long that I’m struggling to see any other options because I feel as if I turn my back on a label now then I am indeed repressing said desires. However I will do my best to keep fighting and do everything in my power to move forward in my recovery thank you 🤍

@PinkLotus I get what you mean, but it’s the only way man, you me brain is making you think you desire it, it will even make you have groinal responses, unwanted orgasms, and all of that fun stuff, but in the end, there is no answer, trying to fit in to a label is a compulsion

I just read this, and this is such a common fear for those of us with HOCD. I can confidently say I’ve recovered from this theme, and this was a doubt I felt too. This is probably reassurance, but nervousness around guys is literally so normal, and feeling comfortable around friends is also extremely normal, obviously. As a straight woman, this nervousness and insecurity also drove me to feel as though I could never be with a guy, and ‘that must mean I’m gay’. After overcoming this theme, the irrational links have no power over you!!

@fuchsia <3 Thank you for your help! I’m so glad to hear you’ve overcome this theme! May I ask how you did it? I feel like there’s so much evidence towards me being in denial and it’s so scary (old porn habits, having never been in a relationship, being a virgin, etc)

@Melodyocd Let me start off by saying I ticked every single one of your boxes, and this was the root of my theme. I think porn is a root cause of MANY of those with HOCD, but it’s rarely brought up either from embarrassment, or a feeling as though that is the ultimate confirmation. I don’t want to be too reassuring, but porn (ESPECIALLY in women) is not a valid indication of sexuality. For me, my self-consciousness and anxiety inhibited me from becoming close with guys, and not losing my virginity till later on. When you recognise your compulsions, (anything that acts to immediately dispel your anxiety, or bring you an ‘answer’) dispense with them as much as you possibly can, and trust me, with time those questions that once ruled your life will be irrelevant. I promise you. The fact that you’re describing exactly how i felt proves to me that you have every bit of potential for recovery!!

@fuchsia <3 Honestly thank you so much for your help and advice, it’s so lovely hearing recovery stories, especially from people in the same situations. My self-consciousness and anxiety has stopped me from getting close to guys too, I’m always worried I’ll mess up or do something wrong so I just avoid it all together, which sucks because I’ve always dreamed of having a boyfriend

@Melodyocd You’re so welcome, and yes. I’m not sure what caused this, but around girls I was super outgoing and loud, but as soon as a guy I wasn’t entirely comfortable with was introduced, it was like everything I did made me embarrassed, and I’d start blushing, lol! I think it stemmed from mild teasing when I was in high school. As care-free as I appeared, I was very, very sensitive. But, as the years went on I did get over it. It was definitely a huge mental shift and, like OCD, it takes exposure and enduring the uncomfort and as time progresses, you become fine with it. It’s like public speaking, in many ways!!