- Username
- tay-ocd
- Date posted
- 3y ago
i really don't mean to give you reassurance but thank god you decided to post this!! i relate like a lot! lately the anxiety has subsided but the thoughts sound more like "you know you're gay just accept it" and it drives me crazy but i still manage not to worry as much as before which makes it worse because it feels like it's true and it's what i want. and as the other user said too, i worry whenever i don't notice guys as much as my friends, ans i also worry that when i do it's comphet just want you to know that you're not alone in this, and yes i have been scared to talk about this because what if no one else experiences this and it proves i don't have hocd and i'm rather gay, but remember that as many as there are common symptoms, everyone may also get thoughts and symptoms and experience any type of ocd differently keep going, you're so strong and i admire you for coming all this way and actually posting this!!!
I worry that I don’t look at guys the same way as my friends either, but I don’t know if it’s just bc I have theme and so I overanalyse it. Like my friends will say “oh he’s so hot” and I sit there and check to see if I find him hot, but ngl I’ve kinda forgotten since having this for a while what attraction feels like? Like I’ve experienced loss of attraction throughout all of this to the point where I feel like I can’t even tell if a guys hot anymore without worrying it’s just comphet. I also get what you mean about the dull nagging feeling! It’s like this weird feeling that’s always there which “feels like I’m gay”, I think it’s just anxiety tho?
I don’t want to give you reassurance but I totally relate to this! I just made a post about it. And yeah some Melodyocd, I have no idea what attraction feels like anymore and I’m now so scared I’m asexual, there’s nothing wrong with being asexual at all but it’s something I really don’t want to be. This all scares me so much! About 10 times today I had to talk back to my thoughts. Sorry about my super negative message, today’s been a bad day for it. Don’t know who I am anymore 😔
@Smile941 I also worry I’m asexual sometimes, what makes it worse for me was before I had this theme I worried I wasn’t sexual enough too :( and don’t worry we all have bad days with this, I’ve had a fair few recently. I’m trying so hard to accept the uncertainty but I’m finding it so difficult because I just wanna know who I am :( I wanna go back to crushing on boys like mad, but not I’m just constantly fearing it’s comphet ughh
@Melodyocd Bless you! I totally understand how you feel 😞. Yeah it’s very scary isn’t it, the thought of being asexual makes me very sad. I don’t know if this is the back door spike or denial anymore
@Smile941 Yeah that thoughts is always scary, my therapist always says we have to go in with the “maybe it’s denial, maybe it’s not” answers whenever we get these kinda thoughts, which is terrifying, but I guess it’s to help us try not giving a shit and accepting the uncertainty haha
@Melodyocd Okay I will try that, thank you! I’ve only just started with my therapist so I’m not 100% sure what I should be doing. Thank you, hope you’re okay!!
I also don’t look at guys the same way my friends do. It’s so scary
Ok... I was doing good until a few weeks ago. I really was making a lot of progress until a few weeks ago. Backdoor spikes turned up and ocd came back with full force. Or at least I think it's ocd... I hope it is. My theme is hocd, by the way. I try to not give the thoughts much attention, but they're making me mad. It feels so real, and when I see coming out stories it just adds up, as if I should come out too. It terrifies me, every day I think about wanting to die, to not wake up, to cease existing. It's been so draining, and so lonely. I don't want to be in the closet, I don't want to have romantic relationships with women. And ocd makes me question why that: because of my morals? What if your sexuality goes deeper than your morals and you're just denying you like women? Maybe you should try it out, you'd like it. This scares me so. much. And the thing is: I watch same sex porn. It turns me on. I've seen on the internet many women actually watch same sex porn, but ocd makes me question if my case isn't different from other women. All the time I'm worried that I'll just lose control and kiss any woman that's by my side. I haven't had any experience with men either, as I'm reserved and a hopeless romantic (high expectations). I've liked men before, though, and I still have many crushes today. Ocd tries to convince me this is just a cover up. This is just destroying my life. This is daily torture, I can't imagine myself living with this forever. What am I supposed to tell my eventual boyfriend, my husband? How am I supposed to have children in this state of mind? What if some day I just snap out of this and actually realize I'm gay? What if this question is actually me already admitting that I am in fact gay? Honestly, it's too much. This was quite hard to write, and I tried to include here as much as possible of my insecurities. If you read till here I'm grateful. Just wanted to say that I DON'T have anything against gay people, even though they're making me very anxious since this all started, which adds up to my endless collection of intrusive thoughts (it makes me think I'm in denial because of some prejudice).
I know I shouldn’t be posting because it’s a compulsion, but I don’t believe that I have OCD. This is my only theme and it’s lasted on and off since I was 12. During that time I’ve had my first kiss, lost my virginity, graduated from both high school and college, and still I am terrified that I’m attracted to women. I’ve been diagnosed with OCD more times than I can count but when I tell people I have it, I feel like a fraud. I’ve been told I give gay vibes, I don’t always get fully wet when I have sex, and I’ve never had an orgasm with a partner— only alone. It’s not like I don’t have sexual experience either; I’ve had sex with ten people. I’m 21 (almost 22) now and feel like the only way out of this is by accepting that I’m a lesbian and I’ve just had a harder time accepting it than your average person. It’s been almost 10 years…I see no other possibility. I’d really appreciate if any other women that have struggled with this for a long time could talk.
I haven’t really had a lot of trouble with my SO-OCD intrusive thoughts for a while, but I just got really triggered by one of my friends. I’m a straight female and I recently discovered the singer Chappell Roan, who sings primarily about LGBTQ+ and lesbian experiences. Listening to her music was a big deal for me because normally that sort of thing would trigger me, but it’s pretty catchy to me and a few of my friends (who happen to be lesbian) thought it was cool and were happy I was into the same music they were into. Well today, I sent them a text that I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole with her music and am starting to watch her interviews, which is something I usually do when I discover a new artist (I tend to hyperfixate on things a lot). After sending this text, one of my friends said “are you sure you’re not gay” which sent me into an intrusive thought spiral. In the past, she’s said I set off her “gaydar” which was also really triggering to me. My brain keeps telling me that if I come off that way, it must mean I’m lying to myself and I’m actually a lesbian. I wanted to tell her that I have SO-OCD and those types of comments trigger me, but I don’t want her to take it as me not being accepting of gay people. I felt like I finally got to a place where I’m confident I’m straight and now my brain is trying to trick me into thinking I’m lying to myself and it really sucks. I’m really just posting this because I don’t feel like anyone in my life would understand what these thoughts even feel like and it’s just awful.
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