- Date posted
- 4y
- Date posted
- 4y
i really don't mean to give you reassurance but thank god you decided to post this!! i relate like a lot! lately the anxiety has subsided but the thoughts sound more like "you know you're gay just accept it" and it drives me crazy but i still manage not to worry as much as before which makes it worse because it feels like it's true and it's what i want. and as the other user said too, i worry whenever i don't notice guys as much as my friends, ans i also worry that when i do it's comphet just want you to know that you're not alone in this, and yes i have been scared to talk about this because what if no one else experiences this and it proves i don't have hocd and i'm rather gay, but remember that as many as there are common symptoms, everyone may also get thoughts and symptoms and experience any type of ocd differently keep going, you're so strong and i admire you for coming all this way and actually posting this!!!
- Date posted
- 4y
I worry that I don’t look at guys the same way as my friends either, but I don’t know if it’s just bc I have theme and so I overanalyse it. Like my friends will say “oh he’s so hot” and I sit there and check to see if I find him hot, but ngl I’ve kinda forgotten since having this for a while what attraction feels like? Like I’ve experienced loss of attraction throughout all of this to the point where I feel like I can’t even tell if a guys hot anymore without worrying it’s just comphet. I also get what you mean about the dull nagging feeling! It’s like this weird feeling that’s always there which “feels like I’m gay”, I think it’s just anxiety tho?
- Date posted
- 4y
I don’t want to give you reassurance but I totally relate to this! I just made a post about it. And yeah some Melodyocd, I have no idea what attraction feels like anymore and I’m now so scared I’m asexual, there’s nothing wrong with being asexual at all but it’s something I really don’t want to be. This all scares me so much! About 10 times today I had to talk back to my thoughts. Sorry about my super negative message, today’s been a bad day for it. Don’t know who I am anymore 😔
- Date posted
- 4y
@Smile941 I also worry I’m asexual sometimes, what makes it worse for me was before I had this theme I worried I wasn’t sexual enough too :( and don’t worry we all have bad days with this, I’ve had a fair few recently. I’m trying so hard to accept the uncertainty but I’m finding it so difficult because I just wanna know who I am :( I wanna go back to crushing on boys like mad, but not I’m just constantly fearing it’s comphet ughh
- Date posted
- 4y
@Melodyocd Bless you! I totally understand how you feel 😞. Yeah it’s very scary isn’t it, the thought of being asexual makes me very sad. I don’t know if this is the back door spike or denial anymore
- Date posted
- 4y
@Smile941 Yeah that thoughts is always scary, my therapist always says we have to go in with the “maybe it’s denial, maybe it’s not” answers whenever we get these kinda thoughts, which is terrifying, but I guess it’s to help us try not giving a shit and accepting the uncertainty haha
- Date posted
- 4y
@Melodyocd Okay I will try that, thank you! I’ve only just started with my therapist so I’m not 100% sure what I should be doing. Thank you, hope you’re okay!!
- Date posted
- 4y
I also don’t look at guys the same way my friends do. It’s so scary
Related posts
- Date posted
- 24w
So pretty much I’ve been dealing with intrusive thoughts my entire life, I had no idea could’ve been symptom of OCD until maybe a year ago , I have this fear right now that I don’t actually love my fiancé and I’m not attracted to men. I am attracted to men. Let me be clear. I’m not attracted to females. I never have been and I never will be. But it’s one of the scariest thoughts I’ve ever had that I don’t actually care about the person that I would sacrifice anything for that I would do anything for. He’s pretty much the closest family that I have and I just wanna be with him for the rest of my life. A couple months ago was that I just didn’t care at all, and I didn’t have any feelings and everything that I felt was me being fake in that nothing was real. But I eventually got over that and the new thought is that I’m actually gay even though I know I’m not. And in the world we live in now where it’s be yourself be you if it comes across your mind. That’s the obvious truth. Be yourself… It’s kind of scary to think about. I just want it to leave me alone. I’m actually so scared that eventually I’ll believe it because some thoughts that I’ve learned were intrusive. I ended up starting to believe and it turned into a whole catastrophe for my life. I met this girl and she felt a certain way about her husband and then she told me that eventually I’ll feel that way and ever since then I just I haven’t gotten over this fear that I’m gonna end up feeling the same way she is. Also, I recently got over a few themes. I’m not ready to share, but I’m so proud that I got over those and I just I’m waiting for this one to leave me alone and it’s not and I’m starting to get really scared that it’s true and I don’t want it to be true. and just to be very clear I don’t care who you love what you love who you like what you identify as because you can in fact be yourself but this just doesn’t feel like me. I’m genuinely reaching out to try to get help for this because now it’s messing with our personal life. We’ve never argued so much in our entire relationship and now I realize that it’s mainly my fault because I’m detaching myself from all emotion just so that I can get over this thought I’m detaching myself from all intimacy and that’s even scarier because what if it’s not me detaching myself and it’s me just not being attracted that’s another thought I’ve hadI’ve gone all long enough so thanks.
- Date posted
- 24w
trigger warning!!!!!! I’m really scared right now. I’ve been reading Elle Warren’s articles about her experience with HOCD/SO-OCD, and it feels so similar to mine. She went through the same fears of being a lesbian, felt distressed by her attraction to women, and spent hours ruminating, Googling, and analyzing her feelings. She even experienced groinal responses and revisited old memories, just like I do. Eventually, she had a moment of realization in college when she flirted with a girl, and everything clicked. She now identifies as a lesbian. I’m terrified that the same thing will happen to me. I thought the OCD fears were supposed to never be true and that HOCD thoughts are usually just compulsions that don’t end up being real. But reading her story, it’s like I’m seeing my own experience mirrored. What if it clicks for me, just like it did for her? What if I realize that I am a lesbian? Elle’s story makes me so scared. I thought my feelings of attraction to women were just OCD-driven, and now I’m questioning everything. I thought I was straight, but now, reading her journey, I’m wondering: could my OCD fears actually be real? Elle’s experience was very similar to mine: • She got distressed when she thought she might like women, not relieved. • She spent a lot of time ruminating, Googling, analyzing, and comparing. • Her attraction to women only became intense when her OCD flared up. • She said things like, “I feel peace when I believe I’m straight.” • She had already been diagnosed with OCD and had a history of this pattern. After years of fear and distress, Elle had a moment of calm and realized that it was true. I’m scared that this could happen to me too. Will I have a similar moment of acceptance, where everything clicks and I realize I’m gay? Or will I come to accept that this is all OCD, and that I’m straight, with the possibility that I’m not? I also keep thinking back to when my OCD lessened the first time. Did I go back to men because I wasn’t actually attracted to women, or was it just because the grip of the OCD had loosened? Elle also talked about the shame associated with non-heterosexuality. She mentioned that, like many of us, she had internalized stigma around being gay, and that it made her fear the possibility of being non-heterosexual. I can relate to this so much—growing up, I never saw it as an option to be anything other than straight, and now it’s hard to shake that fear and shame. Elle mentioned that she found reassurance in seeing other people with HOCD who worried that their fears would come true, but eventually realized they were just OCD thoughts. That idea is comforting, but also a little scary, because what if that moment of realization happens for me too? What if I finally accept that I am a lesbian? Or, what if I’m just struggling with OCD and eventually realize I’m straight? I just don’t know. The scariest part is that, just like Elle, I feel like I don’t have any obvious signs. She had no idea she was a lesbian until one day, everything clicked. She was 21, just like me when my OCD fears really flared up, and she had a breakthrough moment in Denver when she made friends with lesbians. That hasn’t happened for me yet, and it’s terrifying to think that it could happen in the future. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I’m really scared about where this will lead.
- Date posted
- 20w
So my OCD has been bad lately. I’ve been ruminating and obsessing over my sexuality again. And it just keeps getting worse. I hate it so much. I try to sit with the discomfort but then my ocd does the backdoor spike. And the groinal response is what keeps me looped. It SUCKS. I am not attracted to men, but my OCD is trying SO hard to convince me that I am. There have been days where I’m just so mentally exhausted that I “accept” what my ocd tells me and I just walk around a hollow, lethargic shell. But then I rethink it and I feel better. It feels like I can only find my TRUE self when I tire my nervous system out enough that it literally breaks down and has me suicidal and hopeless. And then accepting my OCD’s “truth” (that I’m attracted to men) feels like a burden and a chore. I woke up today from an OCD dream, tried to go back to sleep, and my stomach kept cramping bc I was so anxious and ruminating over my intrusive thoughts. I’m starting to doubt it being OCD anymore. My brain is too tired to fight and cry about it anymore.
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