Trying to explain to my mum that I feel numb about most things not just my relationship and she says well not really, you love your job and your pets etc. And now I'm like great so it's not ROCD then it's real 😔

I just get scared that feeling numb eg when he says something I'd usually find funny or cute means that I'm not in love with him and then I panic thinking I'm Wasting both of our times. But so many other things don't excite me either atm I feel like if someone told me I'd won the lottery or I'd never see my family again I'd literally be like ok cool. Everything is just meh. I've always had such a fear of just falling out love because I can't understand how that happens happens someone you were once crazy about. I wonder if I've almost brought it on myself. I have 0 interest in dating anyone else or anything I jjst have trouble picturing the future right now with or without him tbh. Why does this have to attack the things that matter most? Thank you both for responding it means a lot x

@mollyyy I totally get this. I’m really in love with my current BF he’s literally perfect it’s a miracle and I even caught myself doing this.... and then I was like wtf our relationship is great I’m NEVER gonna have such a healthy and good relationship with someone else because I’ve never had anything even close to this one. Usually I like a guy for two seconds then think about a million things they say or do that I hate. And if you’re feeling this long wave of numbness ... it takes time to go away. Some days really suck. Others are a little better. Eventually it will pass but I know it’s hard. If he is someone that makes you laugh and happy and you’re attracted to him and you are yourself with him... then he is a good guy for you and it seems like ur hyper focusing on small things that didn’t previously bother you. I’ve also been in love w someone and eventually fell out of love. Because we both were using drugs and we fought every other day and I had a VERY LONG list of things I knew wouldn’t change about him that really really made me concerned to ever marry or have a baby with him. I don’t feel that way now about the guy I’m with. I know that if I had a baby with him and it popped out just like him, that they would be a safe happy and successful child. I still felt this way about ex sometimes but after multiple years of feeling like no he has issues he needs to work on before I’d get married I finally realized it definitely wasn’t going to work. That’s different than being annoyed at something they do or not thinking something is funny because you’re feeling depressed.

@k__ Thank you. It just scares me how I can go from.being obsessed with him to not even wanting to talk about him to people because it makes me anxious and then angry that I even feel like that. Equally he actually tried to leave the other day (don't think badly of him, he has the patience of a Saint) and I was a mess. And now my ocd is like nah you weren't. I just want a normal life and my normal happy relationship again and I am so bitter and jealous of people who don't suffer with this. Really appreciate you taking the time to write to me xx

@mollyyy Yeah I am relating to everything you are saying. It’s gonna take time for you to find ways to help your anxiety about this. My ex id do exact same thing you just described. I still consider him a good apple and have told him he’s a saint 100x. Bc i was flipping over things that made absolutely no sense ... and he stood by me. I felt like no one would ever love me for me. I knew he did but I also just hated myself so much I could not love him back anymore. He was doing drugs though so idk how your boyfriend is but he sounds very patient and understanding and that he loves you. It’s gonna take time for you I think to decide if you’re with him for right reasons and he is good for you because he’s been there for you and makes you happy. Or if you have OCD that intensifies these things but that you really aren’t happy with him. I’m older and I knew if I wanted a kid and to get married it had to happen soon. We were even picking out rings together .... then he said he was gonna propose and I realized in my head I wouldn’t say yea right now. He was so confused because we had been talking about marriage for years ... I just felt it my gut I wouldn’t say yes if he got down on one knee right now and I didn’t know why. So we broke up. I still bothered him with my problems for years following bc I was so scared in my next relationship that the guy would not really love me once he realized who I truly am. He knows who I truly am now and knows I’m crazy LOL but he is a very disciplined routine kind person and truly loves me. I have to remind myself of this a lot but either way. If this is your life long partner or not, he sound like a great guy putting in a lot of effort to comfort you during this time. You’re right you can’t drain them to death... and it’s hard not too when you’re feeling this down. But really the only answer here is time ... until ur feeling a little better in general to be more clear minded on it

@k__ Thank you so much. Yeah like atm I wouldn't say yes either but when I feel good I would and have never considered marrying someone else? I just cant even trust my gut because I don't know what is real and what isn't. I just have this constant fear of being one of those people who ends up saying 'yeah I loved him I just wasn't *in* love with him' you know? But uts only when i feel shitty that I think like this so I just really hope it's it's real. Literally if this doesn't work out I have 0 interest in ever dating again. We're just buying a house together and I can't even be excited atm because my brain is fried with going over the same shit every second of every day. Some days are a little better and in April i had 3 lush weeks but it all came rushing back again:( thanks again x

@mollyyy Yeah unfortunately love is not black and white! You have to be happy with yourself to be happy with another - it takes time. And you can except the more “gray” reality of love and people’s personal flaws with time :)

@k__ Seen a lot of your comments on here tonight, such a help so thank you. Do you still get the rocd thoughts even in this relationship?

Thank you for responding. This is a damn long wave. 😪