sorry i’m having a rough ocd day and just wanted to vent. having hocd is like rubbing an eraser on a piece of paper until it wears a hole in it and the entire page is ruined. that’s how i feel about relationships and my sexuality. i can’t enjoy anything romantic. i can’t connect to anyone on that “next level.” i’m too busy monitoring my every thought and feeling under a microscope 24/7 to the point where i can’t experience crushes or anything relationship-related without anxiety sucking the enjoyment from it. i feel like i’m watching everyone around me live life normally with their significant others and i’m just alone behind a wall of glass because nothing feels right to me. i lose feelings for guys the minute they show interest so i’ve subconsciously(?) started going after guys who are emotionally unavailable or live far away. i can’t stop analyzing my past for clues, i can’t stop trying to make mental connections, i can’t even identify what my true feelings are because my mind is so skewed with anxiety. i feel i’m just naively repressing my real feelings, i feel like i’m unknowingly in denial, and i just feel so disconnected from myself and others. i’m terrified that i’ll never be able to get close to someone without hocd ruining it. i don’t want to date girls but even typing that sentence, my mind is compulsively checking to see if i really mean that. i don’t think i want to date girls. i think i want to date guys, but what if it’s just comp. het? (which was the most triggering discovery for me btw). i’m just inexplicably worried that the “solution” to all of this is truly just me being a lesbian. i don’t want to be, but it feels like an inevitable “sentence” that i’m going to have to accept eventually. it gives me so much anxiety because it doesn’t feel like me. but with hocd i don’t even know what “me” really feels like anymore. i’m so frustrated. it’s been almost 6 years that i’ve been dealing with this and i’m starting to lose hope. i feel like i just can’t participate in life the way everyone else does. i feel like i’m doomed to live out the rest of my life without a relationship because i just can’t see myself peacefully dating someone without doubts eating me alive. i’m so beyond jealous of people who don’t have to deal with this. it makes me feel like an incomplete person, like parts of me are missing and i’m just defective and lying to everyone. hocd sucks. and of course i’m often stuck ruminating about whether it really even is hocd instead of just denial. these thoughts make me feel so isolated and i’m just so incredibly sick of it. but anyway. thank you for reading if you’ve gotten this far.

Sexual Orientation OCD

Legallyocd

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 4y

Hey I just want you to know that I hear you and understand you. It’s hard with this to know which way is up but this will pass. You will make it and you will live a life where you can manage the symptoms to where they will not affect you so severely. Even for me, I’ve been having a bad couple of days but I’m proud because I have been able to continue moving forward. I still get things that I need to done and if I have to I cry or a take breather or a nap or whatever I feel I need to reset and get back on the horse. You can do it too.

tommyboy41588

Date posted: 4y

It’s going to be ok. I feel the exact same way. It’s a terrible disorder and you are not alone. Just try not to isolate yourself. I struggle with that especially now that the pandemic is ending. But you have to force yourself to connect. Do your erp see a therapist and it will get better.

tommyboy41588

Date posted: 4y

@Anonymous🍋 Yes I am.

tommyboy41588

Date posted: 4y

@Anonymous🍋 What do u need help with?

tommyboy41588

Date posted: 4y

@Anonymous🍋 You are looking for reassurance. I know it can be terrible but you are already living your life. Move towards your values and not towards your thoughts. You have a relationship and a child on the way, two things that I only wish I could have. That is a blessing. I know it’s difficult and that life can seem like a giant lie. But you need to know that these moments of stress are exactly when ocd rears it’s ugly head. Try to stay in gratitude for all the beautiful things happening for you. Things that you actually WANT.

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