Childhood guilt and anxiety Im scared i experienced sexual attraction towards other girls when i was a little girl but grew out of it….i never questioned as a child whether i was lesbian or bi even though i knew what it was. And the last time i remember feeling that was like 9 and it was when i watched my girl friend changed. After that i was so uncomfortable at the thought of naked people. (I was also being sexually assaulted the years prior) And i only ever had romantic crushes on boys and saw them as romantic interests. Im so scared im a lesbian….im so scared. I feel like i am and am just realizing:(

But that’s what im scared of. One day that happening. And i was horribly sexually assaulted as a kid and witnessed him sexually assault 7 other girls. The later physically abused by another man. And lastly my father went through times of emotional abuse. Idk if that has a role in it. I remember being 15 and super attracted to guys, and falling asleep dreaming of making out with guys and that love story and i LOVED it. It was always natural never forced. But now, idk what to do. It all feels so confusing w/ comphet shit and all this. And also what you said “the sense that something that is a part of you is what destroyed that opportunity. That something in you is keeping you from your dream.” It sounds like your saying that’s because im a lesbian and in denial, and its keeping me from that and i can’t change it:( and that REALLY triggered me….or were you talking about the hocd or my sexuality?? And also the fear of not liking guys and being physical with them has stopped me from dating anyone but my ex And i have tried identifying as that and even came out as that but then went “wait no nvm” cause i wouldn’t date a woman.

Im sorry that part just really triggered me and im trying to remain calm:(

It just feels like you’re insinuating that I am a lesbian in denial and need to accept it and im just really scared rn:( And im also not scared of being bi because i would still be able to be with guys Im only scared of being a lesbian because i feel like i dont want guys and want girls but i dont want girls and i want guys and im so sad :( I HATE OCD Is this even ocd im so confused by this point

@hate_ocd.123 When I was talking about a sense that a part of you is what is keeping you back from your dream, I was sharing the impression from how you described wanting a straight relationship and fearing attraction to women. So, fearing your sexuality, to answer. That does NOT mean that I think or that it truly is a part of you that is ruining your dream. That was what I got from your messages, just in less words :) If it really struck you, that means the ideas there matter. Whether it is factually true or not, what triggering shows us is what we BELIEVE is true. What we believe is what our brains, minds, bodies react too, so it's essential to first know what we believe, and then have help examining reality with therapists Regardless, triggers push at something deep in us, fear, shame, anger, none of those things are good or bad. No emotions are good or bad, they are just communication These emotions are telling us something we care about is threatened. It definitely isn't a fun experience.

@hegax But i thought ocd can skewer what we believe is true? That’s the whole thing with ocd is how real it is and how much it makes you feel like you are what you fear? and ohhhhhh i see where you’re coming from now. I do fear my sexuality isnt aligned w/ what i dream and all that. Im scared of having to be intimate with a woman when i dont wnat to. Im scared i would like it and enjoy it when i dont want to try anything w/ a women and dont wanna enjoy it. I only want men, but fear the opposite, that i wont enjoy it. And the ideas there were what i fear. Idk if that makes sense?? And saying how something we care about is threatened, it makes sense. Hocd attack people whose identity is important to them. Growing up w/ so much trauma, i felt out of control and felt the one thing i had control in was myself. Me being who i was was so important to me. I think that’s why hocd attacked me, im not really sure. I never questioned it before this as a child like someone who is lgbtq does. I knew what being gay / lesbian was since I was 7 and there was no “oh that’s me moment.” I knew it was possible but i dont think that. I just am at the point where im gay, then im gay. Im so depressed cause its not what i want, which doesnt make sense cause gay people want the same gender and dont want to want them and sooooo🙃 They dont fear the attractions Im just so confused and sad and am slowly losing my will to fight after fighting this for years Im starting erp in august and if that doesnt work, idk what i’ll do

@hate_ocd.123 Don’t be triggered. This conversation is super triggering and most of what this person is saying is triggering and not true. Keep doing erp and sitting with uncertainty

@hate_ocd.123 *where if im gay, the im gay i meant

@Justmesadly Wdym its not true? Im so confuzzled here

@hegax Also something i noticed you said was “fearing your sexuality” That sounds like im fearing whats real. This is NOT what figuring out sexuality is like. Ive loved one guy and im sure of it and i never wanted to be away from him. I still miss him and the times we spent together. Im scared ill never find that again Im scared ill find that with a girl Ocd is logical. This fear isnt logical bur my head will do anything to convince me otherwise. That’s what hocd is. It’s a monster. That’s why it’s one of the top 10 debilitating mental illnesses.

@hate_ocd.123 Yes, OCD does skewer what's true, exactly! That's where working through with a therapist comes in. We likely have evidence from our lives that reinforce the non-truth, it takes a lot of work. Therapy work is inherently "triggering," because without the triggers we can't access what we need to heal. That isn't worked through with ERP, however, that requires more talk-centered trauma work. There are a lot of things going on I'm each of your replies and I only get to a bit each time. You said you were starting ERP, have you heard of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy? It's a method that focuses on giving you skills to survive the work you have to do to unlearn the untruths.

@hegax I have heard if it but have never given it a try

@hate_ocd.123 You're right, I should have written that clearer. I think a better way to put it is fearing the potential of your sexuality changing, does that make sense?

@hegax Yeah that makes a lot more sense I just like saying i dont want a relationship rn and dont like “forcing labels” cause that gives more anxiety I just try not to think about stuff cause after my toxic ex (the one guy i loved) i havent wanted a relationship since and havent liked a guy since him Lol he broke me

@hate_ocd.123 Ok, to the earlier message first bc it's important stuff, I hiiiiiiiighly recommend DBT. Highly. Highly highly. It actually strengthens ERP work for a lot of people bc it has a lot of practical, concrete coping skills. For me ERP was more harmful before learning DBT I've been doing therapy work and treatment centers for about seven years. Before I learned DBT tools to sit with the discomfort and manage my triggers it all felt so impossible and hopeless. I sense from what you shared before about being triggered that this could help you too If you're fairly new to mental healthcare, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is most popular, but it focuses more on the pushing and poking triggers and telling yourself that those feelings are wrong. That hasn't helped me personally be able to heal or even handle the pain, it could be pretty distressing. Of course get opinions from your doctor, school counselor, whatever you have bc they know you way better than I do. But I would highly recommend finding a DBT focus first. Do you know how to do that?

@hegax Quick question Im having anxiety rn about being attracted to guys again and things going back to normal even though i want that but I’ve been so used to this for years. Is that normal?? Idek like im just so confused. Like i hate how ocd can make you uncomfortable w/ the thoughts you want and comfortable w/ the thoughts you dont want after having it for such a long time Like idek what im feeling rn but my body just ran cold. And it happened when i read “focusing more on the pushing and poking teiggers and telling yourself that those feelings are wrong.” And my mind went “what if they’re not though? What if i dont want feelings for guys? What if i want feelings for girls?” And its almost like im finding a deranged type of comfort in ocd….ive heard thats normal after handling it for so long And UGH I WANNA DO A COMPULSION RN BUT I WILL REFRAIN

@hate_ocd.123 Yeahhhh that's why CBT is kind of a no go with ppl just starting or with really strong OCD. I can't promise that it is normal or not because I don't know everyone in the world. But I can say that it is distressing you so much that it is 100% valid for you to get help with those feelings. It doesn't matter if it's normal, it matters that it scares yoy

@hegax Do you have an activity you can do beside your compulsion? My new favorite is running the shower with my clothes still on, it kinda puts a shock in the system, and then do an occupying activity, like calling a friend

@hegax The cold feeling passed and i feel somewhat better now and ill definitely go give that a try rn

@hate_ocd.123 I wanna clue you in on a few things before I head to bed. A) DBT is almost always taught as an individual therapy and a group therapy (which is not as scary as it sounds I promise. It is very random people from all kinds of walks of life. I never see these people in your day to day life). I've only heard of them being like one individual session and one group session a week. You can look it up and research more if you like ^^That can sound like a lot of time and work. Frankly, if you don't put work in now, it just makes wayyyy worse problems later. I've sat in treatment centers with ppl in their 30s, 40, 50s, who all wish they started earlier B) If you are totally lost on how to find a therapist, there are two ways to start. I assume you don't want to pay out of pocket, so the first option is calling your insurance and asking for a list of in network DBT treatment. If you have problems with phone calls, anyone can do this for you, they just have to have the info on your card, know your name, birthdate, and sometimes address. I've been able to have those calls done in under 10 minutes easily, your insurance provider likely has a direct number to call to ask for in network folk If you're worried about parents learning, there is some stuff you can do to keep all the info confidential (unless they have to be billed). If you cannot call or if you don't have the patience that can take, you can use the site Psychology Today. Put your zip code, the kind of therapy you want, and other stuff if you want, like if you prefer a man or woman. You'll have to call and ask if there's space for a new client and if they take your insurance B) Regardless, once you've found a place, every office I have known does the details over the phone. You'll call, ask if there is a waitlist for a DBT program and they'll take it from there. If the waitlist is too long, you can ask if they recommend other places. If you get too anxious you can hang up and call again, these people work with folks with severe anxiety as their job so they're either understanding or apathetic There are more detailed descriptions on the internet! You can just Google "how do I get a therapist" so you don't have to keep referring to these comments

@hegax There's a lot of things I haven't been able to comment on, but I can't brush past the part where you said that your ex broke you. I know that it doesn't necessarily matter what I say, I am a stranger with a bear avatar (I think it's a bear?) But saying something like your only love broke you, that is out of a deep pain. If I come in and insist that you're wrong about this genuine heart ache, that won't really help you. Instead of thinking I could convince how you view yourself with a paragraph on the internet, let me say this. Broken people are worthy of love. Broken people or worthy of time, patience, compassion, hugs, forgiveness, movie nights, empathy, second and third and twentieth tries at life. I get the feeling you haven't been in lots of treatment centered communities, so let me tell you about kintsugi. It's an art technique from Japan and can only be used with broken pottery. The shards are gathered together with care and are put back together using molten gold. Some shards went missing, that's ok, they just add more gold. Kintsugi doesn't fix brokenness, it makes it into a more valuable pottery piece BECAUSE it has been broken, yet work was put in to bring it back I don't know you, your name, your favorite color. But I know you are more important than a tea cup or clay vase. You are worthy. You are alive. You are loved.

So practically here’s the gist: I’m completely accepting of lgbtq (all my lgbtq friends came out to me first before anyone else cause im so accepting) and have no problem if i were gay. I just am scared i am and that I’m lying to myself. And i dont want to be gay because i always dreamed of falling in love with a man, having a man swoop me off my feet. And the thought of not having that makes me so sad. And w/ girls, the thought makes me incredibly anxious. I get really sad and scared at the thought of being happy with a girl. Im scared i want that, because I dont want that. It has nothing to do w/ religion, I believe in a god that loves all. Nothing to do w/ community. I would be widely accepted and lived. Nothing to do with any of that. It all has to do with just the idea and action of being w/ a girl and being happy w/ a girl cause i dont want that. It’s hocd and its horrible and scary and feels so reall

@hate_ocd.123 And im scared i used to like girls and didnt realize it. And that i will like girls and realize im a lesbian. I’ve fallen in love w/ a boy and have only ever responded physically too a guys touch and never a girls. I never saw girls as romantic. Even as a preteen when I sat on another girls lap i wasnt nervous, no butterflies. It was just normal. Then hocd started and i got scared i was attracted and yeah:( I hate it

Wdym this may not have been what I meant at the end there??

Ok dammit I meant to be replying to your responses there 😭

@hegax That im scared im a lesbian and feel like i am and just realizing it??

@hegax And no worries haha

@hate_ocd.123 Oh I just wasn't sure on your first response, where you were talking about how it felt real, it sounded like you didn't think the stress from these obsessions was "real" distress but didn't know for sure

@hegax I think it's gonna take me a bit to really get a response all typed up because I have so many thoughts. I've had such similar fears, your post could've been written by me a year or so back (or a couple weeks even). So I wanna make sure I lay it out well!

@hegax Ohhh okay im just so scared i dont wanna be attracted to girls and want to be with them I want to be attracted to guys and fall in love with guys:( and im so scared i wont and That i will fall for a girl and enjoy it and i dont want that at all and im just so scared and feel like its going to happen and ill be in denial:( But i dont think this is denial. Ive been in denial about still loving my ex recently, and I knew i still loved him but denied it. And that i didnt think about him anymore, when I do quite a bit more than i like to admit. So im just so scared and lost and everything from my past that i thought was real feels like it wasnt and everything that i thought was fake feels like it wasnt and i hate it

Do you think i am a lesbian and in denial and just need to accept it?? Cause i also find girls pretty and i know a lot of girls that are straight that say there’s more pretty girls than good looking guys. And sometimes i feel like a guy fawning over a girl whose really pretty and i hate it and it makes me anxious and i just wanna cry :( And i just feel like thats me being a lesbian But i dont wanna date them or kiss them or be intimate (i think) but i wanna look like that cause im super insecure in my looks And i think hocd just amplifies anything to do with girls cause ive struggled with this for years and my mind is now hardwired to these thoughts and i have to retrain my brain and im just so conflicted and scared and sad and angry and just everything is so scary and sad:(

@hegax And alrighty, thank you! Means a lot