18+ please Tw abuse, pocd and real event This is going to be long but I will try to keep it as short as I can. I feel like right now I’m on the end of my rope I feel worthless, hopeless and terrified. I have ocd and I’ve tried to tell my mom but she proceeded to tell me that I’m making her miserable, I’m being stupid and that I’m going to end up in an insane asylum. I have a therapist but I feel like every time I go to her for help I’m bothering her. When I was a minor I was possibly sexually abused for a time period of 5 years but I’m not sure. When I was a minor My step dad would hit me in inappropriate places to be funny and some other things like talking in a sexual way verbally so I think that it had to do with why I’m dealing with pocd but I’m not sure. My mom knows about it and so does my therapist but anyways, when I was a teenager, I used to be curious and looked up some fetishes and one of them was a daddy/little girl one and I’m scared that it makes me a monster and I don’t want to be one. I hate to even think that. I’ve had intrusive thoughts and images and so on just wondering if that’s why I have pocd is because I was messed with as a minor, not under clothing but still messed with. This is so painful to even talk about and I’m scared to death. I’m having suicidal thoughts because I feel like I deserve it and I don’t know what else to do. It’s seems like everything is crashing down. I’m a Christian so I try to pray but I feel like it’s not working. Im not looking for reassurance I just don’t know what else to do. Im scared to death that I’m a monster and I don’t want my past or whatever I looked up as a teenager to mean I am one. I never looked up the worst things if you know what I mean I would NEVER do that. I would NEVER hurt anyone. I refuse to be a monster….😭

POCD

Chef Corinth

Date posted: 4y

I completely understand. I'm sorry to hear about your parents and your trauma, that's a whole new problem that I'm not equipped to handle, but I know exactly the feelings you are feeling right now. It's easy to go thunk about all of the things that you've done in the past and think they define you, but they absolutely don't. Humans are naturally morbidly curious and daddy/little girl fetishes isn't even something I would define as morbid, it's a popular fetish and from the sounds of it you're not even into it. I had looked up things out of curiosity before and when the pocd first became a real problem thinking back to my curios searches really messed me up, but I've since gotten over that, and you can too. It's ok to be curios and to have seen things. I know it's hard to think that you didn't actually want to see it, or like it, or anything like that but that's exactly what the ocd does. I've been in your boat before with the suicidal thoughts, but even though I'm sure you've heard this before, it does get better I promise. Even if it doesn't seem like it ever will or that it's even something that can be possibly overcome.

Magzzz

Date posted: 4y

Thank you so much for understanding and helping me. I feel so in the dark about this. I’m just scared that the ddlg fetish is really wrong and I have nothing to do with it I was a teenager then I had no idea what I was doing at the time would harm me now if that makes sense. I’m scared that I’ve done something terribly wrong and it defines me but like you said it doesn’t I was just a stupid teen who didn’t know any better. There’s another weird fetish that I’ve come across too I don’t think I was ever into it I always thought it was weird I don’t think it’s the same as the one I mentioned. It had nothing to do with actual children I would of never gotten into that I’m just scared what if I did and does that mean I’m a p word? I don’t want to be a monster I hope I never was. I just feel like ocd is really hurting me right now

Magzzz

Date posted: 4y

Masturbation had a lot to do with it too. I’m so ashamed but I was just a teenager then ya know? My ocd is trying to convince me I can never forgive myself and I’m too wrong to be forgiven. I just hope I can get better. I pray that I never did anything extremely wrong. It’s just not who I want to be at all

[Deleted]

Date posted: 4y

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Magzzz

Date posted: 4y

I just worry that what I did as a teenager which I don’t know if it was extremely wrong or not my ocd is telling me it is. I feel like a disgusting person but then again I would never do it again and I didn’t even know back then what I was doing could of been wrong I’m not trying to make excuses or anything but it just worries me. I’m not a monster and I refuse to be but what if my past makes me one?

Nica

Date posted: 4y

Due to your past train, you should look into a Trina therapist/specialist.

Nica

Date posted: 4y

Trauma* ugh my phone…

Magzzz

Date posted: 4y

Thank you. My therapist might help me find a trauma therapist in the fall I don’t know yet

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