18+ please Tw abuse, pocd and real event This is going to be long but I will try to keep it as short as I can. I feel like right now I’m on the end of my rope I feel worthless, hopeless and terrified. I have ocd and I’ve tried to tell my mom but she proceeded to tell me that I’m making her miserable, I’m being stupid and that I’m going to end up in an insane asylum. I have a therapist but I feel like every time I go to her for help I’m bothering her. When I was a minor I was possibly sexually abused for a time period of 5 years but I’m not sure. When I was a minor My step dad would hit me in inappropriate places to be funny and some other things like talking in a sexual way verbally so I think that it had to do with why I’m dealing with pocd but I’m not sure. My mom knows about it and so does my therapist but anyways, when I was a teenager, I used to be curious and looked up some fetishes and one of them was a daddy/little girl one and I’m scared that it makes me a monster and I don’t want to be one. I hate to even think that. I’ve had intrusive thoughts and images and so on just wondering if that’s why I have pocd is because I was messed with as a minor, not under clothing but still messed with. This is so painful to even talk about and I’m scared to death. I’m having suicidal thoughts because I feel like I deserve it and I don’t know what else to do. It’s seems like everything is crashing down. I’m a Christian so I try to pray but I feel like it’s not working. Im not looking for reassurance I just don’t know what else to do. Im scared to death that I’m a monster and I don’t want my past or whatever I looked up as a teenager to mean I am one. I never looked up the worst things if you know what I mean I would NEVER do that. I would NEVER hurt anyone. I refuse to be a monster….😭

TW: Abuse/Pocd Im feeling really hopeless right now. I have an extensive history of sexual abuse, neglect, physical and emotional abuse as well and a significant amount of trauma from my childhood. I didn’t get any help until my late teens. During this time period I was an incredibly troubled child/teenager and I made a ton of really bad decisions that go against all my morals and values now as a grown adult. I feel like I messed up so bad I don’t deserve to recover. I don’t want to discuss all the events because they are quite personal to me but I’m really struggling with past sexual mistakes and feeling like some sort of deviant because of my past. I never hurt anyone and I never to my knowledge did anything illegal but I definitely had sexual behavior issues from my abuse. I sexualized my own abuse to cope with it. I feel horrible about this. Like I’m a monster. It also convinces me my thoughts are true and it’s evidence. Should I go to a OCD specialist for this or a sex therapist? Is there anything they can even do.

Please comment. Just say if follows along the OCD pattern or not. I don't need reassurance per se! My daughter was laying across me and every time I breathed a certain way I was getting a groinal sensation. I kept breathing like that anyways (ugh idk why), and then my mind told me I had hurt/a**aulted her that I might as well do something else to hurt because what's more. So idk why or what overcame me other than the thought of doing it because my mind told me I had hurt her already ("my mind literally made me question what to do and I guess the only thing I could come up with was using my elbow) and causing another feeling but it came across my mind to elbow her, and I elbowed her crotch or side/thigh area. Which caused another very unwanted groinal sensation. Then I began FREAKING smooth out. And I've been stressing since. I feel like as a mom I don't deserve to be hers anymore. Idk what overcame me but my therapist says it's all OCD. I was doing SO well! Is this really OCD? This has all caused me a great amount of anxiety. I feel like a terrible person and mom. I just need help knowing if this is OCD. Not wanting reassurance. Just wanting to know if this lines up with the POCD I've been diagnosed with by my current therapist.

Hello 😭, so uhm I’m kind of in the point of my POCD where I’m just tired. I just need to get it all out and get some sort of instruction of how to just idk live? So for me my childhood is pretty blurry. I have a few real event blended with false memory events there but other than that I’m a csa victim. And the way I tried to cope? By fetishising nyself, making CP of myself, seeing my life goal as being used, raped and a prostitue. Self destructive behaviour through talking to pedophiles and seeing my only worth as if I was sexually attractive. Which made me kind of numb to CP as a coping mechanism I guess. And heres’s where my main event of REOCD/false memory ocd comes in. I have a few events in my life when I’ve accidentally stumbled across CP ish mangas or just plan abuse and not had a big reaction. Some of them I even liked the story. And my ocd LOVES playing with it, making me truly believe I enjoy and get of from CP. I’ve also had quite a few dreams. A few days ago I had a dream about me getting triggered by something I did in the dream. Which I now can’t figure out if it actually was a dream. But also moments overall where I’ve unintentionally touched my private part while my siblings are in the room or when I found a guy 2 years younger than me pretty in 4th grade. Or a few of my only friends who turned out to be younger than me, and I had talked about sexual things (like fan fictions, my trauma ect) with them. AHSHB I absolutely hate ruminating and I’m tired so so so so so so tried 😭 idk help me? Please TT