I’m being haunted by the memory of my past friendship. It was a very toxic friendship in which I would do anything this girl asked me to. When we fought, I used to give her presents and write her notes so she would forgive me. Now I’m convinced that, in reality, I liked her and my mind is telling me that that is the final proof I’m lesbian. I’m scared bc this feel so real that it seems like a fact. It seems like if I don’t accept it I’m in denial.

ty! I’m just so scared. My OCD is telling me that the truth is that I had a crush on this girl and been a lesbian all my life. I don’t want this bc I feel like it threatens my identity but at the same time, it feel so real and it seems like the truth that I don’t want to accept. Do you this it is still HOCD?

@strawberry ice cream I can tell how distressing it is for you right now, it’s upsetting when you feel like you can’t tell the difference between the HOCD and just your sexual orientation. I think you can tell the difference if you’re having lots of intrusive and anxious thoughts around being lesbian and searching for “proof” of your sexuality, not just this remembering ocd comes with compulsions, when you do start spiralling about being lesbian to you want to check your reactions towards gay relationships or avoid the same sex all together? I’m part of the lgbtq community and there are times when I spiral without anxiety about whether I’m being “true” to myself or that I need to pick one but also when I look back at memories which made me realise I was gay they make me feel a sense of pride and happiness and closure that I’ve never felt before. Anxiety is all natural and part of our responses to difficult things but if it’s too an extreme I’m sure you can bet it’s OCD. But I’m no doctor or therapist so please don’t rely on my words. Hope you’re okay xx

@Bella Iep I realized that when I’m spiraling I do start to ruminate and do mental compulsions such as analyzing all my past friendships, my memories, my childhood. I also tend to search for reassurance that I’m not a lesbian and when I do find it, I feel a sence of relief and happiness. However this happiness doesn’t last much. I always try to analyze my reactions to gay relationships and, when I was in a worse state, I did avoided the same sex all together (I didn’t even want to go out bc of the fear of seeing someone of the same sex)

@strawberry ice cream *did avoid (I’m sorry for the grammar mistake)

@strawberry ice cream Well there you go, you’re clearly intuitive and able to recognise all the patterns of OCD. Instead of focusing on am I this and am I that, focus on reminding yourself that you’re okay and remove the fear presented through your sexuality- what’s the worst thing that would happen if you were lesbian, gay, straight. At the end of the day you’re just human, OCD can feel so trapping but remind yourself how brave you’re!

@Bella What happens when the intense intrusive thoughts continue and compulsions but the anxiety subsides a lot

Ahh I feel so relieved that I’m not the only one going through this. Lol it really doesn’t make sense to analyze my past to find out my sexuality. And I’m indeed a ppl pleaser but this OCD is sooo sticky

@strawberry ice cream It totally is all my other ocd themes were in my childhood so they felt easier to get over because I had the memory of a goldfish anyway, so this one I had no skills on how to get over it until recently.