Today I turned 20 and had a great day and night with my friends and family. My mom was very kind, yet when I get home from hanging with my boyfriend, she’s drunk. Intrusions come about blaming myself, I know it’s not fault, but I feel the urge to fix very broke people. I did it with many friends and my mom, but those are just compulsions. Besides that though, my birthday was one of the best and I’m so grateful to live in an amazing state

it’s my birthday tmrw and i’ve been reflecting a lot about what 21 has meant for me and what 22 looks like ahead. this past week has been reflective and restoritive for me. my partner and i took a week long break and came back feeling better. i realized i have t been showing up for myself and occupying my mind or time with anything else but worry or guilt or shame about my relationship or my rocd. my relationship is switching from a more college-esque style of you will, where we have flexibility to see eachother whenever and we can just play plans by ere, and now we want our time to be more structured because we’re transitioning to full time roles or for me, graduating college. any advice is always appreciated. i realized that ive always wanted more independence in my relationship, but i always thought that it was a bad thing. but i realize now it’s just who i am. though this new ability to figure out myself and what i like and want is scary and discomforting because of my attachment style, ultimately i feel that it will be for the better. this past week ive been having visions and getting scared of loosing her and breaking up. songs have been hitting differently, things felt real. but i was finally able to see through the fog of ofc and my anxiety and understand what causes it. i realized i really want this relationship and that it was unfair to my partner for me to stop doing the work and for me to not show up as my best self. it was unfair for me to be caught up and feel ashamed for at one point for not being sure if i was committed or in love, to know i am and still feeling scared and ashamed. i didn’t allow or open up to deeper more profound connection. some people say that’s effortless to a certain extent and should t require anything and its natural and that’s true to a certain extent because ROCD is a beast for those with trauma and relationships or abuse. i often question myself and everything i do and feel. i have bits of magical thinking hoping for just one second i can tell myself that things will work out and ill be okay. i saw photos of myself the other day from middle school and i realized for my entire life i havent liked myself because no one told the girl who was just trying to fit in that she was cool enough or just worthy. well i see that now-she always was. my partner told me one of the biggest reason why she loves me the other day during our talk was because i know who i am and im confident. and i agree with her, ive just lost myself to ocd for so long and im finally getting myself back. things aren’t as bad as i think they are. in fact my world is full of love and so am i. i still feel anxious but i feel it grow smaller and the thoughts become more manageable as i reconnect with my perspective. i don’t need to focus on the future or marriage or anything that tells me ill have other people. the right people have stayed and will and no matter what, i always have me. 21 has been the most profound year yet, and im ready to step into 22. ready to commit to truly being in love. with myself, truly loving my partner and truly being grateful and accepting of what comes my way. i think im going to be okay and i think we will all be too. happy birthday to me🪷💗

I turned 20 years old today. Ive been reflecting a lot. Since ive joined this app ive been an ever changing person. Which is good i want to change i want to be good but i still feel the same inside. Especially when i feel like this. Feel of dread an anxiety. This sense of foreboding i hate. I just feel so sad. I didn’t have good teenage years. Ive just been sad since it began and now thats its over i dont know what to expect. Im scared. Im no longer a child im a full fledged adult. Everything feels so far away but everything still hurts. Im scared for my future but looking ahead at the same time. What do i do now that im 20? Do i drop my interests? Move out? I dont know i feel like i need to do something. I dont want to spiral but i feel so much dread. I dont know what to do.

Hi. I'm just sort of feeling kind of shitty and in moments like these I tend to swing to one extreme or the other, like methodicially and intensely trying to pull apart every piece of what I am feeling and why, determine what is a "real" problem and what is just a bad mood, and take action to "fix" myself, the problem, or ensure that future me will fix it by setting reminders, planning, or just generally freaking out lol. That can all be a bit compulsive, but I don't want to do my other thing, which is just aggressively ignore or try to deny my feelings because they are "not real" or I just need to "let them go". But I'm feeling a little frozen in my fears so I am hoping de-tangling it a bit in words here will be a good middle ground. I'm about to be a senior in college, and I live in the city where my school is. I haven't seen my family for a bit and I am currently spending a weekend with them at the beach. Today was just kind of rough and has made the past, present, and future collide in my head, fanning fears of both external problems and the fear of fear itself, the fear of OCD spirals. I want to more specically describe the problems I have been having since starting college, but I guess for getting through today that isn't really the point. I guess just....I've been trying to create a life for myself and become someone who is strong enough to live it. I have ADHD and OCD and sometimes it just feels like half my energy goes to functioning through that, and the other half goes to resisting the OCD-urge to spiral about the future, to fear I'll let my life fall apart or won't be able to fix the normal, big and small problems life brings. Today has just felt.....hard. I ate something that made me really sick last night, and I didn't take my normal dose of Adderall today or yesterday which can just make me sort of sleepy. On both phsyical counts, I think I'm fine and don't really feel bad anymore, it just sort of triggered some overthinking. I feel scared that feeling kind of tired has/will effect my ability to enjoy what is supposed to be a relaxing time, or that I won't' have as much energy as I should to do things with my family and will disspoint them. I'm scared that the journey back to the city tomorrow will be chaotic and awful, and that when I return I will continue to make mistakes that put me in negative cycles. Strangely, I'm kind of aware that all of these concerns are either possibly not going to happen, or are just things I definetely cannot do anything about right now. I'm just sort of...frustrated that I can't easily shove away worries I know to be "illogical" and deeply afraid of spiraling deeper. All of these different things overlapping right now just sort of make me feel like I've failed. Failed to.....I don't know, resist compulsions and get over them faster, accomplish things in life and school faster/more, be less socially anxious. Failed to get on the right track, to make any kind of progress. Strangely, a lot of the discomfort I'm feeling in this moment indirectly sort of comes from things I am doing "right", to break cycles. I didn't bring my meds because I want to work on the discomfort I feel with spending time without the goal of productivity, I don't have an exact plan for everything I need to do and I have not psyched myself up to tackled my most urgent goals when I get home because I've also been working on finding ways of doing uncomfortable things that don't involve motivating myself through terror when I can't do anything about it. I'm letting myself take time to cry about all these feelings and write this out here because I don't want to deny myself what I need to get better because I feel like I shouldn't need it. I'm hoping, in a way, even the shitty day I've had today is a sign of progress, my OCD desperately seeking a host in fear of fear because I am beating other compulsions. I think there's also something to be said for the unserious but still powerful issue of just fucking being on vacation with your extended family. Like....its hard to take a moment to cry it out or calm yourself down when you're sharing a bedroom with your mom and sister. I'm feeling glad I'm going home tomorrow, scared of how I might feel when I do, and I guess....fearful of what it means that I wasn't "able" to enjoy myself for the whole time I was here. But those feelings do feel much more distant, after writing this. The time will pass and I will go home regardless. When I get home, maybe I will make "better" choices or be "stronger", maybe I will dig a deep hole for myself. Either way, that's not my burden right now or today. I've tried that method and it didn't get me what I want.