18+ please I’m so aggravated because it seems like my ocd is trying to attach meaning to the littlest things that don’t even matter to try and find proof that I’m a bad person. I hate myself. When I was younger I had a I hate to say it it’s very embarrassing but a tickling fetish and what if when I would do that to someone did that make me a bad person? I know it’s a normal thing and at the time it was normal but what if wasn’t? What if it was wrong and I should hate myself for it? What if I had groinal response or worse? What if what if what if! I’m exhausted

I want reassure you, or try not to because I'm always looking for reassurance. But, I know it's hard to deal with thoughts you think are apart of you and if your brain thinks they mean something it's actually up to you if they mean something or not. I know it may be hard to get that with ocd but we have to build a tolerance to our intrusive thoughts. Keep working with your therapist and learn to calm your thoughts because it feels like your logical side and your emotions are fighting sometimes. Or maybe that's just how I feel lol. But only you know what you want and if you don't want your brain to think something you tell it you might like it or you might not, it's up to you really.

Look, it's not the fact that you may have been one. That shouldn't matter. The fact that you're so scared right now probably proves that you weren't and aren't. People with ocd are valid, our emotions are everywhere. I suffered with pocd in the past and I didn't something drastic to find out if I was a P-word or not. I figured it out and I was relived I wasn't one of those monsters. I may have felt like one but I knew I wasn't and needed validation. But now I live with the guilt. What I'm saying is that you need to calm down and assess it. You don't want to be a monster right? Nothing from your past means you were a P.

You basically have. You suffer from worrying about it. It's a good indicator that you won't ever be one of those P-words. Your brain won't let you. Intrusive thoughts are normal. I have them but I'm like "oh hey, that was weird but that doesn't mean I'm weird." Like everyone's brain does that. You aren't alone. My brain does it, I know my fiances brain does it. But we know what we want truly. And if you are suffering from those thoughts then I don't think you liked them.

The reaction IS the intrusive thought. You're saying what IF this gave me weird feelings when you were tickling her. That's not how you have to feel though.

I felt the same way. Still do. But you keep saying what if you're monster? It's the what if that's scary. I hate the what if's in my own life because they do such. But everyone I've talked with said I shouldn't let that define the person I am now. The past does not exist to the person you are now. I believe anyone can change as long as they put their mind to it like right now in the present. You aren't a monster now and you with be I the future. And I don't care if you were a monster in the past or if you weren't. What matters is the now. That's what you should tell yourself. The present feeling is what's important.

That's up to you. Would it help you to have her know your problems too?