The thoughts aren’t as loud and there’s not much anxiety but it’s like they’re permanently lodged in my brain which makes them seem more real. It feels like I have attractions to girls I see out in public or at my summer classes now, thinking of intimacy with my boyfriend still makes me feel scared and afraid that I’ll never enjoy it, I get thoughts about wanting things I don’t want every day and when I see the bisexual flag I feel like one day it’s going to be me having that flag. Yet I don’t feel the need to panic as much anymore, I don’t feel like I’m being disloyal to my boyfriend that much anymore, in fact at one point it felt like I was “forcing” myself to be attracted to him because I would do things with his pictures and imagine scenarios and write stories to prove I wanted him which honestly did arouse me! But I don’t feel the need to do that anymore because deep down I was doing it to prove to myself I’m attracted, I mean I still want those things from him but my sex drive is just dead right now honestly. I don’t want to do anything at all right now especially since it’s been long distance for so long. I’m so terrified that when he comes back I’ll “realize” I actually didn’t like anything like I feared. Sometimes I wasn’t really into pleasing him but only because 1.) I felt like I was doing something wrong. 2.) I felt self-conscious and focused too much on whether I was doing a good job. 3.) I get insecure about myself. I love him so much I really want us to have a physical connection but there’s just so much fears and anxiety around sex that I had even before this theme that it’s like ugh. It makes me not want to do anything. I’m just afraid that I’m forcing myself to be attracted to him, I want to love him sexually and emotionally and I don’t want to be one of those girls that are in love with their boyfriends but realize they have to leave him to have good sex with a woman. The idea of being with a woman still makes me so sad. It’s all wrong but there’s no anxiety anymore it’s just like if its true that I don’t want to have sex with a man than I Definitely don’t want to have it with a woman. I’m just really grieving the loss of who I used to be and I’m really terrified that I’m discovering this is who I was all along. Even if I’m forcing it I don’t care, I still want to be with my partner.

Sexual Orientation OCD

Nour04

Date posted: 4y

same it all feels so real and i am so scared i am "realising" i am a lesbian. when i see people on here saying they don't want to be gay it's because they don't want to lose themselves and sure that's what i feel too, but for the biggest part of it it's just because. like i don't want to be a lesbian just because. and it's also because i don't want to do anything with a woman. do you understand what i mean? but what if i do? i tried imagining a scenario yesterday to check, i didn't feel anxious, so then i tried imagining it as if i were fantasizing about it and it felt so real and as if i wanted it and i got super anxious. what if i do like it? i just want to like guys :( sorry for the long post but it just felt extremely real and as if i did want it, i felt like i wanted it and i would enjoy it. can hocd get so real or am i trult in denial???

Ocd Warrior

Date posted: 4y

Ofc it can get this real, I don’t want to reassure but it’s only this real because we as humans are natural problem solvers so then we try to fight our own brain which then creates things like you and me experience, aka hocd, and then we try to fight it when in reality we are basically fighting our own brain and bodies

Nour04

Date posted: 4y

@dylen thank you so much i was so anxious because it all felt so real and as if i wanted it and would like it :( but thank you so much

Ocd Warrior

Date posted: 4y

@Nour04 Ofc, honestly we all need eachother in these dark days

Nour04

Date posted: 4y

@dylen i am here for you too whenever you need me!

Ocd Warrior

Date posted: 4y

@Nour04 Ty so much, it means a lot tbh

PinkLotus

Date posted: 4y

It’s like an overwhelming pressure to “realize” I’m into women but there’s just this tiny part of me that won’t give in and I don’t want it to give in. I don’t want this

Ocd Warrior

Date posted: 4y

I understand you 100 percent tbh, I feel like I would enjoy it with a man and when I was at my (who I suspect to be gay) friends house I felt like I would have sex with him and had a boner and felt aroused but a small part of me didn’t want it, it just didn’t want to lose my identity, but what I struggle with is groinal s, do I ignore them or is that a compulsion

PinkLotus

Date posted: 4y

@dylen Yeah I really relate to just not wanting to lose who you are. With groinals just remember it’s your body’s reaction to anything inherently sexual. Sit with the anxiety the groinal brings and don’t try to figure out if it’s real arousal or if you do indeed enjoy the thoughts. Hope that helped!

Ocd Warrior

Date posted: 4y

@PinkLotus Thank you very much, when I masturbate I feel as if I focus on the thought and then I orgasm faster then I would Thinking about women, what’s your advice for that, if I had no groinal s and didn’t have this masturbation stuff then I would almost be cured

PinkLotus

Date posted: 4y

@dylen Don’t masterbate to your intrusive thoughts that’s a compulsion as well

Justmesadly

Date posted: 4y

I’m in the same place

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