no one ever replies. i feel alone like transgender ocd and sexual orientation ocd is horrible rn and no one has helped :// like i got this app to be able to talk with people who can help and relate but no one ever answers :/ i’m not trying to make anyone feel bad but i’m sure other ppl relate?

i wrote a post today while i was bawling my eyes out and in so much distress but just one person replied and someone flagged it for reassurance but i just want a response to it because what happened was so awful and maybe even slightly traumatising

@Nour04 I honestly can’t find your post I’m sorry :( it might’ve gotten taken down

@PinkLotus it's okay a lot of people couldn't find it actually i don't know why. i just got 1 reply but it's fine thanks for trying at least! if you don't mind could i vent a bit here? like maybe tell you the content of that post because i really do need help. there's mention of masturbation though so if you're uncomfortable please feel free to say so

@Nour04 No go ahead :) sorry if a take a little bit to respond I’m not at hkne

@PinkLotus Home

@PinkLotus it's fine thanks for listening in the first place. so today i was masturbating and my mind was like "imagine same sex scenarios and naked girls to check" and it felt like i liked it and wanted it and i did indeed finish to that but i don't want it. i immediately broke down in tears. then in the shower i kept telling myself "if you like it to the point of climaxing to it then just accept it and stop denying it this is the biggest proof ever that you like girls and are just in denial" but i don't want to like girls, but saying this also feels like denial. is this even hocd anymore??? why did i cry so hard is it because i realised i am a lesbian in denial?? today it felt like the last part of me that was still fighting just gave up and surrendered and all of it feels so true. it really feels like i am just in denial and this isn't hocd. i really don't want it but what if deep down i do and i am still to this moment deying it????

@Nour04 Hey it’s alright I’ve been there before too , one time I saw an Instagram only fans model on my page and I saw her boobs and I just felt “aroused” so I immediately tried masterbating to her over and over to see if I felt anything. Remember no matter how real it may seem right now, your mind is not in a state to be a proper judge of attraction. Even if you did get off it faster it could’ve easily been anxiety and porn/internet is not real life. Masturbating to something you don’t want to be attracted to is always a compulsion don’t forget and of course it’s bound to backfire from time to time. It’s sexual content and any inherently sexual content will produce a reaction in the body

@PinkLotus but it felt so real and true :( what if it's not ocd but just me in denial? it wasn't even porn it was just a thought. i didn't want to finish to it, i was just checking and then it all happened so fast and i broke down in tears. i just feel like this is the biggest proof and it cannot be denied any longer. i even tried telling myself it's okay if i like girls but i just don't want to! why though? is it because i am not "supposed" to?

I’m here if you need to vent

@PinkLotus are u sure? when i vent i feel bad bc i UNLOAD A BAG OF TEA

@Anonymous Yes I’m sure :)

@PinkLotus I struggle a lot with sexual orientation OCD and I also struggle a lot with relationship OCD as in what if I don’t really miss my boyfriend or what if I don’t really love him

@Anonymous I also struggle with the same themes, especially being long distance with my partner. What’s been on your mind?

@PinkLotus i’m scared of like what if I don’t genuinely miss him in that I’m faking all of my love for him and it just SUCKS

@Anonymous I know that fear , I’m terrified of that too. But obviously it’s important to you or you wouldn’t be so afraid