ever since covid started, my mom has been trying to get me and my siblings insurance. obviously, it’s been pretty hard and i feel bad. she doesn’t know that i have ocd and i don’t have the heart to tell her since she has covid right now. i don’t want to put any pressure on her. she already has to deal with the fact that i might have autism. i’ve resorted to self diagnosing and doing erp (which is going well aside from the feeling on anxiety) and i know that if i tell my dad he won’t believe me. especially with the subtypes i have. i’ll just have to deal with that and the reoccurring suicidal thoughts. i don’t even go outside anymore or take care of myself. on top of that, my eating disorder is trying to jab at me again. i guess this is my life now.

Having ocd is so incredibly exhausting and depressing- my mom and dad argued with me for over an hour talking about how im a pain to be around, go in too many loops, and ruin everything and everyones mood… this conversation started with me saying im stressed out because of school and that i dont want to go because im exhausted- and idk if this is like ocd directly but it takes me like 2 hours to get ready in the morning because i need to look PERFECT and the same everyday literally 😭 and that process feels so exhausting every morning at 6am but i will NOT go to school without going through with it- i will literally be crying and shaking and wanting to go home the minute i get to school if even a single strand of my hair is not perfectly straightened or any blemishes or flaws are showing- and i cant even walk to school or anything bc im scared the humidity will mess with my hair and everything- and it just really affects my life? And yeah its freaking exhausting. And i have two more years of highschool and I dont know if im going to make it 😭i get super stressed over grades too because i need them to be extraordinary otherwise its a fail. Nothing below 95%. And thats also tiring! 😁 and my mom told me today “medication IS NOTTTT AND OPTION!!!” Like oh okay so im just cooked 😭 and therapy isnt really helping me at all- i feel like what im being told is so basic and generic and it doesn’t help me when im in a huge ocd episode- which is often… and what i hate most is like my mom says “don’t come to me with your problems after 6pm…” im sorry i cant schedule my feelings 😭 im so tired

this is probably kinda jumbled but over the past almost year or so i've slowly realized i have ocd (i'm diagnosed audhd but over time i started feeling like those alone didn't cover the whole issue yk?), and recently i've been kinda worried i guess. it’s just that i’m turning 21 in 6 months and i’m afraid that this disorder is going to rob me of joyful adult milestones in my life. honestly being 20 has sucked, i can’t even remember wtf being 18 was like, and my childhood in general wasn't the best either, but i've been struggling a lot as of late and i don't want how i feel now to be the same as how i feel next year. my meds have helped quiet my compulsions a significant amount (i literally felt like i was going kinda cray cray when i was off them 😭) but they’re not completely gone. sometimes it just seems like this is all it's ever gonna be forever and i’m always gonna feel ashamed of myself for just like… existing. my 21 year old self deserves to be happy but idk if i’ll be able to give that to her 🥲🥲🥲

I’ve been struggling so much these past few weeks. I’ve been so anxious and just have had nonstop crazy,weird disgusting thoughts and idk anymore. Like I’m not diagnosed but I recently researched about it and it explained everything I’ve been experiencing like exactly. But I’m also very young so idk what’s happening I’m just so confused. I barely slept today cause the thoughts just wouldn’t stop. I have only told my dad about what’s been happening and he told me that he does want to help me and stuff and find someone that could help me but then I just feel like he dosent care, like when I talked to him about it about how I suspect I had it he just like completely changed the subject. But he did bring it up yesterday which was good i guess. And I’ve posted here before and people have been really nice and told me that just because I’m not diagnosed that doesn’t mean my experiences aren’t valid and I appreciated that a lot but I don’t know I just keep doubting everything. I’m also worried because my brother actually has OCD and ADHD and more stuff and I know how stressful it was for my parents to understand him and stuff and if I turn out to actually have OCD as well then I just feel like I’m going to be something else they have to worry about and stress about.