⚠️⚠️⚠️Trigger warning⚠️⚠️⚠️ I need some help with this if anyone is willing. Services in my area won't take a referral so I'm on my own & being pregnant too its not healthy :( . . I guess even those of us who have been doing great for some time & those of us who know OCD well are not immune from lapses & relapses. I'm stuck in another cycle & while I don't want reassurrence, I am trying to put together a formulation of what's going on so I can start to tackle it. Might be useful to mention I am expecting so OCD spikes are common along with what may seem linked to depression - Fatigue, hormonal, mood disturbance etc. I've seen a return of the suicidal intrusive thoughts the last few weeks , I've done ALOT of work around my diagnosis so it is rare that I experience the typical fight or flight distress response from pretty much all intrusive thoughts I may experience... which does make it tricky in spotting whether its coming from OCD or not. Last night I was triggered in a group call when another member mentioned she had wrote a goodbye letter to her children, after the call I almost felt like I wanted to write one to mine! then my mind jumped to the fact id thrown a whole lot of tablets out recently (not due to compulsion) and I was left trying to figure out if I felt disappointed by this or not. Sadly, no matter how much I try to refer into services for refresher CBT or counselling I'm told no. I can get stuck in this loop of ego-dystonic & Ego Syntonic, whether the thoughts are wanted / desired or not. Of course its caused me to feel rather depressed. I decided to write some of the thought patterns out as I truly can't see if these are coming from depression & true suicidal ideation OR they're purely obsessional that causes me to feel depressed which causes them more frequently? Anyone here with solid experience, I know there are a few of you in this group who are fabulous at the guidence you give. Once I can establish where these thoughts are coming from (yes this is a need for certainty however I need that so I know how to approach them as I feel depression & OCD require different approaches.. I.e I can't do ERP if its depression with ideation. Feeling conflicted- do I want the thoughts or don't, do I desire suicide or not. Visiting websites & forums particularly around suicidal OCD / Intrusive thoughts to gain certainty Rumination over if I truly feel this way or its OCD Feeling hopeless because I can't get the help with this that I need to be able to overcome them Seems like a very habitual thought process, meaning I have cycles of this kind of thinking during times of stress/ feeling down Unwilling to accept the thoughts are not OCD, am I just in denial & not willing to accept that maybe I want these thoughts & eventually I may end up harming myself Questioning if I want to act on them or not especially due to lack of anxiety distress symptoms Feeling stuck because I can't get rid of them or figure out how to move out of them. Sometimes they do feel wanted & that makes me feel worse & desperate for some support Sorry for the long winded post & thank you to those who have read it to this point.

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 4y

Its OCD playing tricks on you, im in the same boat. I went down this road 5 years ago, same thoughts and questioning, and came out AMAZING! Took some time but its worth it. Now, 5 years later, same exact deja vu thoughts. We will get thru this together!

Cheetahvionic

Date posted: 4y

I may not be able to help you as I'm struggling with my own OCD as it pertains to suicidal thoughts, but know that I'm sending good hopes your way.❤

TheOCDwarrior

Date posted: 4y

You too 😊

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 4y

No one can tell you whether it’s desired or not. Thoughts are just thoughts, we give them meaning and write narratives about them. You are pregnant and undergoing hormonal changes which could cause depression and the OCD to spike. I also used to get triggered by any mention of suicide and my mind would use it against me. You will never get a true answer because I’ve been in your shoes discerning if they are desired because of the presence of depression. At the end of the day it didn’t matter whether my therapist reassured or schooled me on the differences between suicidal ideation, suicidal thoughts, suicidal obsessions, or whatever angle your OCD is trying to gain certainty. The reassurance is ALWAYS temporary, the doubt will ALWAYS come back. At the core of it you are doubting whether you want to live or not because you have suicidal intrusive thoughts along with depression and it feels like it might be suicidal ideation. The best psychologist, therapist, or psychiatrist worth their salt can’t tell you where they stem from because it’s impossible to know and if they do know they will never give you reassurance because they know it won’t help you. Try to stop ruminating and focus your attention on something you would be doing if you weren’t preoccupied with this worry. Don’t feel bad that you are having these thoughts. Everyone experiences these thoughts but OCD make it’s worse. Try practicing ERP preferably with an OCD specialist. If it isn’t Suicidal OCD they’ll know and tackle the depression with medication. Going through your post I see all the angles OCD is playing against you.

TheOCDwarrior

Date posted: 4y

thank you I truly appreciate your response. I don't want the thoughts that's the problem, I'm waking up expecting them. I'm in the UK & can't get accepted for therapy and even if so many are so limited on knowing the many ways OCD manifests. The first time I experienced these thoughts I had a huge breakdown with them attended hospital almost daily. The psychiatrists there told me it wasn't OCD I was in denial, that anxiety would cause me to act it wasn't a great experience. there's maybe some unresolved trauma or associations there. I want to do ERP but I'm not willing to do that alone until Its established, I've never self harmed which is an advantage, sadly due to lack of understanding I'm questioned on intent & risks and that's the angle they go down, NHS often don't refer for therapy if someone shares they're having suicidal thoughts no matter where they are coming from. It's such a nightmare. my only real option at the moment is to look at working with someone through here.

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 4y

@TheOCDwarrior I was in a similar situation that my therapists thought I was passively suicidal because I was depressed. I think we all experience anticipatory anxiety about waking up with them. They are still there but they aren’t strong as they used to be. At time it will catch me off guard around certain triggers. I got help here at NOCD recently after I did my research on OCD and the unwanted suicidal thoughts. Sometimes the OCD will act up and find news ways to terrorize me. Bite the bullet and get the help here, it’s worth it. You’ll be able to understand and pinpoint your Core Fear and Triggers. The suicidal thoughts have died down considerably. People who commit suicide have thought about it considerably to the point that they plan it and it brings them great peace. Depression does not cause suicide but it is a factor. Suicide is a choice. Try listening to The OCD Stories Podcast - Episode 194.

TheOCDwarrior

Date posted: 4y

I absolutley think there is associated trauma & some connection to fearing depression/low mood because i anticipate the thoughts so in essence I'm going looking for them. Its such a nightmare with the NHS there arnt enough specialists in OCD.

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 4y

My OCD works the same way. My mind has an unhealthy fear of becoming or being depressed. My mind gets hyperaware of my emotional state and starts catastrophizing. It’s the same way here in the US, if you go the ER or hospital and tell them you’re experiencing suicidal thoughts they medicate you or lock you up temporarily. There should be more OCD awareness in society and mental health practitioners. A lot of people suffer from obessesions or unwanted thoughts and don’t receive the proper treatment.

TheOCDwarrior

Date posted: 4y

@Erebus you've just described m, the hyperawareness ultimately then starts to manifest the very symptoms we don't want. I do as much awareness raising as possible, especially on social media even wrote my own book documenting the experience with this theme. I had harm ocd before around my children but I've never really seen it return as it doesn't bother me. Its just this one now. Thank you for all of your responses and replying to me

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond