Anyone out there who had HOCD start quite young , early teens and is only now dealing with it in their twenties? I am and I often wonder how much the OCD had warped my perceptions of concepts like attraction and arousal.

Yep me too! I remember walking in on a dramatic scene of Susan from marina pulling back her bow and arrow . I remember feeling tingly like the hairs on my arms being raised it made me feel sad and sick and I wondered if that meant I was gay. I fixated on it on and off till I was 21. Avoidance compulsions , checking compulsions finally got some CBT and had a few years off but back in the cycle for the past 10 days- it’s exhausting! I just wonder if my understanding of what it means to be attracted to someone and to feel aroused by someone has been skewed by years of fixating . Does that make sense

@ZOmeWi I think because we were always at such high anxiety levels about this theme it made growing up confusing on what we really wanted… me personally I have only had crushed on men and have dated men. I however, could get turned on by a lesbian theme… and the thoughts as a kid have me stuck and thinking it’s my truth. I also had my barbies kiss and it’s using it as “proof.” Also, I fall in love with a mans personality as opposed to their looks. So this is more proof….

@OCD33 Oh I relate to this soo much! Never wanted to date a girl , never had a real crush on a girl ( but I used to get anxious around new female friends and 100% convinced myself anxiety and being excited = a crush haha!!) Defo got turned on by lesbian themes when was younger then amplified by the anxiety of it. Have a boyfriend who I utterly love and because the arousal feels different from anxious teenage puberty arousal I got triggered despite loving the sex !OCD is so bonkers isn’t it ?!

@ZOmeWi The female friend thing OMG. Even making female friends right now I’m like OMG what if I fall in love with them :( it’s seriously so messed up. I’m engaged to my wonderful fiancé and he has been nothing but supportive but he is like my biggest trigger because I’m like do I love him enough? Am I attracted to him? Is he the one? Am I supposed to be with a female? It’s freaking exhausting and heartbreaking. The thoughts are their 24/7

@ZOmeWi How old were you exactly when it started?

@missbluesky I think I was about 14

@OCD33 Wow! I actually feel a bit emotional someone gets it! I was saying to my other half the other day that it literally felt like I was breaking my own heart because I wanted to be with him but the constant questions made me feel like I couldn’t . It’s awful isn’t it when you’re looking at a face you love and trying to assess if you actually love them!

@ZOmeWi Oh gosh I think I was like 10-11. I feel like these thoughts have always been there but I didn’t know what it was

@ZOmeWi I completely get it. You are not alone. OCD.will always want more reassurance. When I was at my lowest I told my other half to just leave me because it wasn’t fair.. he of course didn’t. I have also now analyzed every single one of my past female friendships…

@ZOmeWi Oh also. With my previous ex who was a piece of crap- these thoughts were barely ever there. Now with the absolute love of my life and the best guy I ever met , OCD is having a field day. Ocd loves attacking what we value most

Female