Im crying rn and my head is telling me its because im gay and trying to force myself to be straight, and that thought makes me puke and i just wanna cry and scream and i hate this so much and it feels so real rn

I think i’ve hit my head a total of like 16-20 times, and i don’t think i can anymore. Im still sobbing and everytime i say im gay out loud as a comoulsion, it feels real and like i want women. When i say im straight and want men it feels like a lie and i get like a wave of disgust. I then start crying more and hit myself again. I just want to want men, and even as i said that i felt those feelings. And i dont want women. I dont want women so baldy and that for once feels authentic. I just dont wanna be gay 😭😭

@hate_ocd.123 right there. you just explained Hocd at it’s finest. your not alone my friend. i wish i could help you more

@hate_ocd.123 Hey you! I have had the worst couple of days dealing with HOCD now so know you aren’t alone in this! But you say that you get this disgust feeling or a wave of discomfort when thinking about liking men, and this I experience a lot too. But I always tell myself that, I can’t know that when I am by myself and in my own thoughts. It is something that we have to experience in real life. Like thinking about liking anything alone in your head can make you think you like it, but in reality you don’t. So never trust your thoughts and try to be more observant to them and not fight or dwell on them. I wish you all the best

@hate_ocd.123 Don’t abuse yourself, ocd is trickinngggggg you, it feels real because ocd feeds off of worry

@🥰 That’s the thing. I’m super inexperienced and there’s been occasions where i didnt like intimacy with men (i have severe ptsd from severe past sexual abuse w/ men, so my body will respond and not my head) and the only one to get past that was my ex and i remember doing stuff (we never kissed cause he was super christain and didn’t wanna do anything outside a relationship) with him, like him holding me and kissing my forehead and us just being very touchy and i loved it. It felt like i was home. I loved him. Now i feel like im not gonna like kissing men and im feel like i find them gross and the idea of them gross and that im never gonna have that love i want cause i like fucking women and i hate it

@Hocd Warrior Well when i was crying about being gay it felt more real than when im not crying And it felt genuine and like i liked the thoughts & women & wouldnt mind doing stuff and i dont want to feel that way but i do so i just have to accept it and wallow in self hatred and depression and anger I hate this

@hate_ocd.123 i can totally understand this!! it's like i am crying because i can't accept myself

@Nour04 But i’ve never had further experience than a peck with a boy too my will, it was all abuse at a young age, from 6-9, so i already have extensive trauma Im just so over this

@hate_ocd.123 well neither have i. actually when i used to kiss my boyfriend back in 9th grade i didn't quite enjoy it (he was a bad kisser i guess) and like wouldn't let him touch my ass. maybe it's the way i was raised, to be like respect and not do anything physical with a guy just to like be a "good girl". i don't know how to explain it though hahaha sorry